I wish my body would make up its mind
I start my last weekend for a while tonight - three night shifts in a row, probably followed by two more which means I work on my birthday. At least that means I get the following weekend off, though, for my.. whatever it is I'm doing.
I can't figure out if I'm really tired or actually awake this morning. I'm going back and forth between feeling a small burst of energy and feeling dead to the world. Today is full of excitement, though - I get to see Corey for the first time in months, I have a new flute teacher, money isn't as tight as I thought it was for the time being, and things just seem to be working. Yesterday I got a chair for my desk for only $25, and they threw in this adorable little penguin doll for free. If that's not a sign from the universe that things are going to be fine, I don't know what is..
The other day I got the email I've been waiting for from the music department chair: "Danielle, I looked over your application to graduate and everything is exactly correct. Congratulations!" This really is my last semester. I'm really walking in December. Whoa. Then off to bigger and better..
I love my current teacher. I feel close to her, I've known her for years, and I've come a long way throughout my undergrad degree. The one thing I lost, though, while I was here, was my ability to believe in myself outside of HSU. I keep telling myself, "Sure I'm successful here. But in the outside world, in graduate school, I'll get eaten alive. I'll be a masters student at a school where undergrads eat my repertoire for breakfast." I feel small and incapable. Last Tuesday I had a meeting with my advisor, and we started talking about graduate schools. I told him about a few that I was interested in, and he made a face and said "Well if you go THERE you're gonna need a new flute." My stomach dropped and I said, "That's exactly what I'm afraid of. I don't want to go somewhere that is full of flute students who trip over one another trying to make it to the top. I want to be welcomed somewhere." We started talking, and he pulled out an older (very expensive) flute and had me play it. He said, "Just for this semester, to get you through your recital and through grad school auditions." It's an old 1950's Powell flute, serial number 1256. Wow. And it sounds incredible. Anyway, so right after that we had a lesson and I'm not sure what combination of teaching and my own confidence caused this, but for the first time in years I felt like I might be worth something past my undergraduate degree. I went home and practiced more than I've practiced most of the summer for our next lesson, which was less than 24 hours later.
Something is going on between him and my teacher, though. I could sense the tension every time she was brought up during our conversation.. And he's going to be teaching Corey, too. I wonder if this is going to cause a rift between him and my teacher. Should I tell her? What should I say when she sees the new flute I'm playing on? I'm a little nervous.. My application to graduate had to be signed by my advisor, and she and I were having this happy conversation on facebook - asking me if I'd like to conduct a piece for flute choir, what I'll do during flute auditions which I'm monitoring since I'm not auditioning, and just some other chit chatty stuff.. Then I said, "oh btw! I got my application back, signed by my advisor and the dept chair, ready to turn in! He said everything is good to go!" And for the first time facebook kicked me in the face with its little notification that a person has read your message - because it went to "seen" and that's the last I heard from her. What a strange place to stop mid-conversation, right after I've just divulged some exciting news to the person who's been my mentor for going on six years.. THIS is why I'm afraid to talk to her about the possibility of someone else teaching me alongside her. But to be honest, I need this. I need to have a frequent second opinion on my recital repertoire and audition materials. I need different ideas on tone production and development. I'm hitting a brick wall and I want to explore different areas of my sound that have been hidden over the years since I've been here. And to be honest, I'm a bit tired of the temperamental ticking time bomb that a few key words can just set off without warning. That, and the whole, "Yeah I'm in my mid-30s but my divorce made me feel like I need to act young again, so I'm gonna date a 22-year-old" thing. Sigh.
I can't figure out if I'm really tired or actually awake this morning. I'm going back and forth between feeling a small burst of energy and feeling dead to the world. Today is full of excitement, though - I get to see Corey for the first time in months, I have a new flute teacher, money isn't as tight as I thought it was for the time being, and things just seem to be working. Yesterday I got a chair for my desk for only $25, and they threw in this adorable little penguin doll for free. If that's not a sign from the universe that things are going to be fine, I don't know what is..
The other day I got the email I've been waiting for from the music department chair: "Danielle, I looked over your application to graduate and everything is exactly correct. Congratulations!" This really is my last semester. I'm really walking in December. Whoa. Then off to bigger and better..
I love my current teacher. I feel close to her, I've known her for years, and I've come a long way throughout my undergrad degree. The one thing I lost, though, while I was here, was my ability to believe in myself outside of HSU. I keep telling myself, "Sure I'm successful here. But in the outside world, in graduate school, I'll get eaten alive. I'll be a masters student at a school where undergrads eat my repertoire for breakfast." I feel small and incapable. Last Tuesday I had a meeting with my advisor, and we started talking about graduate schools. I told him about a few that I was interested in, and he made a face and said "Well if you go THERE you're gonna need a new flute." My stomach dropped and I said, "That's exactly what I'm afraid of. I don't want to go somewhere that is full of flute students who trip over one another trying to make it to the top. I want to be welcomed somewhere." We started talking, and he pulled out an older (very expensive) flute and had me play it. He said, "Just for this semester, to get you through your recital and through grad school auditions." It's an old 1950's Powell flute, serial number 1256. Wow. And it sounds incredible. Anyway, so right after that we had a lesson and I'm not sure what combination of teaching and my own confidence caused this, but for the first time in years I felt like I might be worth something past my undergraduate degree. I went home and practiced more than I've practiced most of the summer for our next lesson, which was less than 24 hours later.
Something is going on between him and my teacher, though. I could sense the tension every time she was brought up during our conversation.. And he's going to be teaching Corey, too. I wonder if this is going to cause a rift between him and my teacher. Should I tell her? What should I say when she sees the new flute I'm playing on? I'm a little nervous.. My application to graduate had to be signed by my advisor, and she and I were having this happy conversation on facebook - asking me if I'd like to conduct a piece for flute choir, what I'll do during flute auditions which I'm monitoring since I'm not auditioning, and just some other chit chatty stuff.. Then I said, "oh btw! I got my application back, signed by my advisor and the dept chair, ready to turn in! He said everything is good to go!" And for the first time facebook kicked me in the face with its little notification that a person has read your message - because it went to "seen" and that's the last I heard from her. What a strange place to stop mid-conversation, right after I've just divulged some exciting news to the person who's been my mentor for going on six years.. THIS is why I'm afraid to talk to her about the possibility of someone else teaching me alongside her. But to be honest, I need this. I need to have a frequent second opinion on my recital repertoire and audition materials. I need different ideas on tone production and development. I'm hitting a brick wall and I want to explore different areas of my sound that have been hidden over the years since I've been here. And to be honest, I'm a bit tired of the temperamental ticking time bomb that a few key words can just set off without warning. That, and the whole, "Yeah I'm in my mid-30s but my divorce made me feel like I need to act young again, so I'm gonna date a 22-year-old" thing. Sigh.