I'm having one of those days where
..well, today I feel like my life just punched me in the face. One bad morning and everything comes crashing down on me. I can't handle one bad morning? What's wrong with me? I started off on the wrong foot so everything anyone says to me sticks like a knife, and stuff that already hurt now hurts 10x more.
Yeah, I'll just get ready to leave for this concert. Alone. Why does that bug me so much? I'm even embarrassed to admit it's a big deal to me. It's just a group that makes me feel kind of special I guess. I'm the only college student who's not just on a sub list, but instead a real regular member. I've been performing with them for three years and it's made me so much better as a musician. I sit as almost a peer with some of the college professors who teach at the school I attend, and some of the band directors with whom I share mutual students. I don't have a degree, but I am already establishing myself as a flute teacher and performer. And I work hard to earn the respect of the other members - something I still don't feel I've quite earned, but I'm getting closer with every performance.
I guess I just want people to acknowledge that. For the people who are really close and important in my life to actually think it's cool that I get to do something like this, and to WANT to come watch. Instead it's always a battle with scheduling and sleep and gas money. Well, guess what? I've made two out of town trips that I can't afford this week, and now I have to go out of town again to play a concert, then come back here and work all night, THEN work in the morning! I have scheduling problems, too, but where have I been all this time while my brother is in Hot Springs jobless and without a car? I've been here utilizing my extra time to support him and try to help him find a job - a task he is not exactly helping ME with! I've done so much for this family in this last month alone, is it really so much for me to ask that they attend ONE concert of mine?
Yeah, it's this whole cycle again. I say this every time, but you'd think I'd actually be used to it by now. But I'm not, I don't think I ever will be. It's always going to hurt when no one shows up. Even next year, when I'll be living hours away, I'll still crane my neck from the stage to see if I can get a glance of someone familiar, even though I'll know the probability is slim.
My one wish for anyone in my life who wants to see me happy: be there. Be there without me asking or begging you. Be there without me hinting that it's important; be there even when I tell you it's not. Be there even when you're tired, or when you had to do a little extra planning to make sure you'd have gas money to get there. I'm not asking you to be there every time..
I just think that once.. one time, if I asked someone, "Heyyy, are you coming to the concert next week?" and their immediate response was, "Of course, I've been looking forward to it!" I think that'd be pretty cool.
And if I actually get broken to the point where I just completely stop telling everyone around me when a concert is approaching.. If I'm sitting on a stage and I look out to see people - or even just one person - who took the time to look up the schedule (or actually paid attention to the one I HANDED THEM several weeks ago).. people who showed up without me asking them.. I can't think of anything happier.