[one twenty four] fuckfuckfuck
I literally just went from shocked, to angry, to having a panic attack, to crying, to numb in a matter of a half hour. A HALF HOUR. I guess the shock shouldn’t be there. I guess that should have just been taken out because I shouldn’t be shocked. It’s the same shit that always happens. It’s like this huge billboard on the side of the road right before an accident while your on a road trip having the time of your life and the billboard says “You are going to have an accident but you are too stupid to realize it.” That’s how I feel. I should get dumbass tattooed on my fucking forehead.
Am I angry still? I guess. I’m more pissed the hell off. Angry doesn’t really describe my feelings. I guess it’s a new feeling from being numb, because I haven’t felt angry in a while. But then again, dumbass should be tattooed on my head because I should have seen this coming.
The panic attack was the best. Seeing as I’m AT WORK. I fucking ran to the bathroom and dealt with it in there. I don’t know if any of you have ever had a panic attack, but it was about 10 minutes of not being able to breathe, feeling like a fucking truck is running over you again and again and again. And then this all repeats.
That’s when I started crying, in the bathroom. I wiped the fucking aliens coming from my eyes, because I DO NOT cry. Ever. I hate crying. It’s weak. I’m strong. But not only did I cry, I cried AT WORK. So I composed myself, walked to my computer, texted my fucking feelings out to the douche, and then started crying again. Basically enough to run out of the office without a sweater in the fucking 50 degree weather, and YES that is cold, because its FL so shuttup.
And then he had the audacity to blame it on me. It was my fault. I did this, I did that. Well FUCK YOU I didn’t do shit. But then again, that’s why he went off and fucked around with some fucking slut, right? Because I didn’t ask how his day was. Well, whoopdeefuckingdo, when was the last time you fucking asked me how my day was. When was the last time I fucking talked to you about anything in my life when you cared? It’s been a while, so don’t even give me that shit.
And now? Now I’m fucking numb. I’m so fucking numb. I’m sitting here in a daze. I’m hurting but I can deal with that later. I almost wish I did drugs just to get away from this feeling.
This is the last time I care. This is the last time I give my heart to ANYONE. I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t want to be with anyone, I don’t want to love, I don’t want to get married, I don’t want kids, I don’t want anything. I just want to die alone.
Call me fucking emo, I don’t care. It’s true. I don’t want to feel like this ever again.
Am I angry still? I guess. I’m more pissed the hell off. Angry doesn’t really describe my feelings. I guess it’s a new feeling from being numb, because I haven’t felt angry in a while. But then again, dumbass should be tattooed on my head because I should have seen this coming.
The panic attack was the best. Seeing as I’m AT WORK. I fucking ran to the bathroom and dealt with it in there. I don’t know if any of you have ever had a panic attack, but it was about 10 minutes of not being able to breathe, feeling like a fucking truck is running over you again and again and again. And then this all repeats.
That’s when I started crying, in the bathroom. I wiped the fucking aliens coming from my eyes, because I DO NOT cry. Ever. I hate crying. It’s weak. I’m strong. But not only did I cry, I cried AT WORK. So I composed myself, walked to my computer, texted my fucking feelings out to the douche, and then started crying again. Basically enough to run out of the office without a sweater in the fucking 50 degree weather, and YES that is cold, because its FL so shuttup.
And then he had the audacity to blame it on me. It was my fault. I did this, I did that. Well FUCK YOU I didn’t do shit. But then again, that’s why he went off and fucked around with some fucking slut, right? Because I didn’t ask how his day was. Well, whoopdeefuckingdo, when was the last time you fucking asked me how my day was. When was the last time I fucking talked to you about anything in my life when you cared? It’s been a while, so don’t even give me that shit.
And now? Now I’m fucking numb. I’m so fucking numb. I’m sitting here in a daze. I’m hurting but I can deal with that later. I almost wish I did drugs just to get away from this feeling.
This is the last time I care. This is the last time I give my heart to ANYONE. I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t want to be with anyone, I don’t want to love, I don’t want to get married, I don’t want kids, I don’t want anything. I just want to die alone.
Call me fucking emo, I don’t care. It’s true. I don’t want to feel like this ever again.