[one hundred two] LJ Idol Week 1- Empty Gestures
For the longest time I didn’t believe in love. It was this broken concept- people “fall in love” and then in the end just…give up? I told myself I would never give up when I found that true love, if it even existed. I’d give and I’d give, but I’d never let go. I’d give it my all.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t always go the way things plan. My parent’s proved to me with their various accumulated marriages that there was no hope, and my broken relationships reflected this also. So, I settled. I settled for a guy who did nothing for me. That was before, though. That was before I met the person I really fell in love with.
He was beautiful. A friendship at first; the attraction was always there. He was a mystery to me, still kind of is. There was so much I didn’t know; there was so much I wanted to learn. We eventually got closer and closer and, you guessed it, we started dating.
Now, just like every relationship story, things went wrong. They soured, spoiled, and went bad. It’s like when you’re buying milk and you search and search for the farthest off date on the carton? Well, even though I search hard, my milk always spoils.
If it wasn’t the lying and cheating, it was the drugs. I was in a constant state of stress, heartbreak, and anxiety. I loved him though, that should count for something right? He didn’t hit me, I was luckier than most. I would change him, it WOULD happen. I was so sure of it.
Every time he’d cheat it would be my fault. I wasn’t there, or I was being a bitch. It killed me every time he would tell me that he did it because of me. The worst part? I believed him. I was so in love with him, I wasn’t giving up. If I gave up, everything that I had worked for would have been over. It was not going to happen like that. I was determined to make this work.
It wasn’t until a couple months later that I found out about the drugs. Words cannot describe how angry I became. Angry, hurt, terrified. I could go on with different adjectives to explain this but it’s unexplainable. I mean, other than underage drinking, I’m so hardcore against drugs that it not only made me want to kill him, but it scared me and made me want to protect him as well.
And so, for the longest time, I’d enable him. I’d let him hurt me over and over again. I’d get mad, but when he said things like, “Baby I love you” or “I’ll stop for you”, it made me think that I was worthy, that I was enough. Every time he made those promises, I would feel important and then it would all come crashing down when they just turned out to be empty gestures, weighing me down until I couldn’t get up anymore.
Eventually, we broke up. It wasn’t in me to give up hope, even though there was nothing left, and I didn’t. I still thought of him, I still loved him, but I was away from him, and I had to accept that that was the thing to do. But it hurt. It hurt more to be away from him than it was to be with him. I never thought I would have said that but it was true. It is true.
That notion of being in love that I never believed in? I have it. I still love him unconditionally, and I would still do anything for him. He’s the biggest and most important part of my life and he means the world to me. But I did give up. I gave up thinking I could change him and that everything that goes wrong was my fault, because it wasn’t. But I also learned something more important than anything I will ever learn from a relationship. I am worth the world, and so are you, and no one deserves to feel the way that I did.
*I decided to do a voice post so you could hear it from my own voice. Everything said in the voice post is written, for those with no volume or who don't like listening. :)
Unfortunately, life doesn’t always go the way things plan. My parent’s proved to me with their various accumulated marriages that there was no hope, and my broken relationships reflected this also. So, I settled. I settled for a guy who did nothing for me. That was before, though. That was before I met the person I really fell in love with.
He was beautiful. A friendship at first; the attraction was always there. He was a mystery to me, still kind of is. There was so much I didn’t know; there was so much I wanted to learn. We eventually got closer and closer and, you guessed it, we started dating.
Now, just like every relationship story, things went wrong. They soured, spoiled, and went bad. It’s like when you’re buying milk and you search and search for the farthest off date on the carton? Well, even though I search hard, my milk always spoils.
If it wasn’t the lying and cheating, it was the drugs. I was in a constant state of stress, heartbreak, and anxiety. I loved him though, that should count for something right? He didn’t hit me, I was luckier than most. I would change him, it WOULD happen. I was so sure of it.
Every time he’d cheat it would be my fault. I wasn’t there, or I was being a bitch. It killed me every time he would tell me that he did it because of me. The worst part? I believed him. I was so in love with him, I wasn’t giving up. If I gave up, everything that I had worked for would have been over. It was not going to happen like that. I was determined to make this work.
It wasn’t until a couple months later that I found out about the drugs. Words cannot describe how angry I became. Angry, hurt, terrified. I could go on with different adjectives to explain this but it’s unexplainable. I mean, other than underage drinking, I’m so hardcore against drugs that it not only made me want to kill him, but it scared me and made me want to protect him as well.
And so, for the longest time, I’d enable him. I’d let him hurt me over and over again. I’d get mad, but when he said things like, “Baby I love you” or “I’ll stop for you”, it made me think that I was worthy, that I was enough. Every time he made those promises, I would feel important and then it would all come crashing down when they just turned out to be empty gestures, weighing me down until I couldn’t get up anymore.
Eventually, we broke up. It wasn’t in me to give up hope, even though there was nothing left, and I didn’t. I still thought of him, I still loved him, but I was away from him, and I had to accept that that was the thing to do. But it hurt. It hurt more to be away from him than it was to be with him. I never thought I would have said that but it was true. It is true.
That notion of being in love that I never believed in? I have it. I still love him unconditionally, and I would still do anything for him. He’s the biggest and most important part of my life and he means the world to me. But I did give up. I gave up thinking I could change him and that everything that goes wrong was my fault, because it wasn’t. But I also learned something more important than anything I will ever learn from a relationship. I am worth the world, and so are you, and no one deserves to feel the way that I did.
*I decided to do a voice post so you could hear it from my own voice. Everything said in the voice post is written, for those with no volume or who don't like listening. :)