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I did it! I did it! I went to church today! *smiles* UGH! I haven't been to church since I was 15 years old. I am definitely going to start going on Sundays and Wednesdays. My heart... ugh my heart! *lil heart* It was the perfect message for me too. The pastor is unlike any that I've ever heard. He's so vibrant and alive... he expresses everything with meaning. It isn't just sitting there half asleep; he keeps feeding your hungry soul. It was amazing! I wanna do jumping jacks or sumfin!
I just got back from running outside with Mia (da boxer). That was entertaining. I had mittens and a scarf on and my scarf was flowing behind me... which was begging her to play tug -o- war! So I was actually running from her! *giggles* mm hmm.. nothing like having a friendship with the dog.
I have this craving to go bowling. I used to go all the time, and the idea has been appealing to me more -n- more. My buddy Mark brought it up the other day, and then my sister came home and told me about all the fun that she had. I think Imna go next weekend... well... either that or a movie.
I haven't been doing my school stuff because I haven't been getting the required amount of sleep.. not by a long shot. Gary dood suggested that I just keep going and attempt to accomplish at least a lil bit. It is true... a lil bitty is better than none at all.
I'm a lil worried about my lack of a social life. I mean, it is all my choice. I could simply pick up the phone and go out whenever I desire. I just know that it isn't in my best interest. However, I do need to get out of this house more often. I'm just going to have to learn to enjoy the things I dig without the company of others. *sighs* This is so difficult... but I know in my heart that it's what I'm supposed to do. Sooner or later something will come my way. The thing that is bothering me... well... because I don't go out too often.. I've started to notice that I get very tense and feel uncomfortable when I do decide to leave. *shrugs* I seriously rethink going out sometimes! hmmm... gonna have to work on this...
Y'know... in relationships... so many people feel pressured. It's as if they feel tied down. I don't want that. I want someone to hold my hand, not hold me down. I never want my special someone to feel "stuck" with me. Freedom... they always have the choice to stay or go... and if it's meant to be... then they will stay. I don't get jealous and I'm not controlling. It's all about trust, honesty, and loyalty. Love in which you feel amazing and free.
Smoking
I have been smoking for over a year now. I used to smoke, but quit long ago. After moving back from Arizona... the first thing I did was buy a pack of smokes. UGH! HUGE MISTAKE! I attempted to quit over -n- over. I don't know what made me start again. I quit over the summer... and last week I decided to buy a pack. Today I went out and bought a 2 for 1. *looks down* It's so unhealthy and disgusting. GRRRRRRR
My dad made a few comments when he noticed that I had started up again. He used to smoke, but when he had a heart attack that almost took his life before the age of 50, he called it quits. I really felt like I've let him down. Although today he told me he was really proud of me. *smiles* Do you know how good it feels when you are given that type of compliment.. that approval? It inspires me to continue forward in my quest for a better life.
I really need to write overdue letters. Marie wrote to me back in September and Katy wrote to me in October. *sighs* I honestly don't know what to say to either of them. I've confessed to Katy... and the reaction was like a dagger to my heart. I can't say that I blame her. I just miss her.
Marie
Marie doesn't know anything about me anymore. We were best friends growing up in Jr. High. We have some wonderful memories. We have attempted to stay in touch over the years, but it's not easy. She wrote me an unexpected letter about our friendship.. about her life.
"I hope things are going well for you also. I wish the very best for you, you're always in my prayers, and you truly do deserve a great future. But there is no question that you are a fighter, you're one of the strongest people I know. I wish you the best."
When I read that... I broke down. Those are the exact words that I needed to hear... but from her? From someone that I haven't talked to in months -n- months! .... someone that I haven't seen for years. I want to write her back and update her. I just don't know how to say things like that. How do I admit to those that I am where I am? Especially those who knew me so well... who would have never thought that I would end up in a position like this. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? *sighs* It's not simple for me... maybe because I build it up in my mind... maybe because of my pride... maybe because of my regrets... maybe because I fear their judgement...
I'm going to sleep tonight! I can't even remember the last time that I was able to sleep during the night. I'm so exhausted right now. I can't wait to go crawl into my bed and just sleeeeeeeeeeeep. mmmm... no thoughts, just rest..
I'm feeling very optimistic about my life and the steps that I am taking to get where I wanna be. *grins* If only I could always feel this way...
dreaming my dreams...
¤rAi¤
I just got back from running outside with Mia (da boxer). That was entertaining. I had mittens and a scarf on and my scarf was flowing behind me... which was begging her to play tug -o- war! So I was actually running from her! *giggles* mm hmm.. nothing like having a friendship with the dog.
I have this craving to go bowling. I used to go all the time, and the idea has been appealing to me more -n- more. My buddy Mark brought it up the other day, and then my sister came home and told me about all the fun that she had. I think Imna go next weekend... well... either that or a movie.
I haven't been doing my school stuff because I haven't been getting the required amount of sleep.. not by a long shot. Gary dood suggested that I just keep going and attempt to accomplish at least a lil bit. It is true... a lil bitty is better than none at all.
I'm a lil worried about my lack of a social life. I mean, it is all my choice. I could simply pick up the phone and go out whenever I desire. I just know that it isn't in my best interest. However, I do need to get out of this house more often. I'm just going to have to learn to enjoy the things I dig without the company of others. *sighs* This is so difficult... but I know in my heart that it's what I'm supposed to do. Sooner or later something will come my way. The thing that is bothering me... well... because I don't go out too often.. I've started to notice that I get very tense and feel uncomfortable when I do decide to leave. *shrugs* I seriously rethink going out sometimes! hmmm... gonna have to work on this...
Y'know... in relationships... so many people feel pressured. It's as if they feel tied down. I don't want that. I want someone to hold my hand, not hold me down. I never want my special someone to feel "stuck" with me. Freedom... they always have the choice to stay or go... and if it's meant to be... then they will stay. I don't get jealous and I'm not controlling. It's all about trust, honesty, and loyalty. Love in which you feel amazing and free.
Smoking
I have been smoking for over a year now. I used to smoke, but quit long ago. After moving back from Arizona... the first thing I did was buy a pack of smokes. UGH! HUGE MISTAKE! I attempted to quit over -n- over. I don't know what made me start again. I quit over the summer... and last week I decided to buy a pack. Today I went out and bought a 2 for 1. *looks down* It's so unhealthy and disgusting. GRRRRRRR
My dad made a few comments when he noticed that I had started up again. He used to smoke, but when he had a heart attack that almost took his life before the age of 50, he called it quits. I really felt like I've let him down. Although today he told me he was really proud of me. *smiles* Do you know how good it feels when you are given that type of compliment.. that approval? It inspires me to continue forward in my quest for a better life.
I really need to write overdue letters. Marie wrote to me back in September and Katy wrote to me in October. *sighs* I honestly don't know what to say to either of them. I've confessed to Katy... and the reaction was like a dagger to my heart. I can't say that I blame her. I just miss her.
Marie
Marie doesn't know anything about me anymore. We were best friends growing up in Jr. High. We have some wonderful memories. We have attempted to stay in touch over the years, but it's not easy. She wrote me an unexpected letter about our friendship.. about her life.
"I hope things are going well for you also. I wish the very best for you, you're always in my prayers, and you truly do deserve a great future. But there is no question that you are a fighter, you're one of the strongest people I know. I wish you the best."
When I read that... I broke down. Those are the exact words that I needed to hear... but from her? From someone that I haven't talked to in months -n- months! .... someone that I haven't seen for years. I want to write her back and update her. I just don't know how to say things like that. How do I admit to those that I am where I am? Especially those who knew me so well... who would have never thought that I would end up in a position like this. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? *sighs* It's not simple for me... maybe because I build it up in my mind... maybe because of my pride... maybe because of my regrets... maybe because I fear their judgement...
I'm going to sleep tonight! I can't even remember the last time that I was able to sleep during the night. I'm so exhausted right now. I can't wait to go crawl into my bed and just sleeeeeeeeeeeep. mmmm... no thoughts, just rest..
I'm feeling very optimistic about my life and the steps that I am taking to get where I wanna be. *grins* If only I could always feel this way...
dreaming my dreams...
¤rAi¤