Xx. negative arrogance .xX
What have I learned? I don't think it's anything that I didn't already know. Gary dood says that I'm a very smart girl, I just need to put that into use.
I was so very tired. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I showered and got dressed... went to Owatonna. My sister had her own appointment, so my mom and I drove around while I blasted some tunes for an hour or so. Then I went to see Gary dood.
Gary
Fear. Fear has taken over. I don't understand it all. But he does, and is pointing it out. Most of it I already knew, but either wouldn't admit to myself... or just didn't want to acknowledge. I am the epitome of everything I dislike. How does that make me feel? I feel..... oddly enough, it is a great relief. I know! I know! WHAT!? But it is. I just feel like this guy gets it.. gets me.. he understands.. and is going to be a huge light. He can't solve anything for me, he can only aid me in helping myself. Only I can change things. I knew that much.
FEAR
I put limitations on myself. I guess he thinks I fear success. Isn't that ridiculous? I want to succeed more than anything. He agrees, but he feels that I have a fear of success, but "we" don't know why yet. I make excuses for why I do or do not do the things I do or do not do. Make sense? Yeah, I know.. it's all twisted.
I've built self-defense tactics, which are unhealthy. I keep people from becoming close to me, and if -n- when they do, I push them away. I haven't had the easiest life, and I guess I fear the pain that is at risk when allowing people to enter my life, or remain in my life. To me... the pleasure isn't worth the risk of the pain. I'd rather live in my own personal coma then live in reality. Everyone has logic -n- emotions which they base their decisions. My scale is a lil off.. I think with JUST my emotions.. and toss logic aside. Emotions give off a false sense of truth, and later when I reflect on the choices I have made.... I use my logic. Which is why I begin to over think. I try to sort through the mess my emotions have left behind... and I go nuts. I need to learn to balance the two. *sighs*
Arrogance.... the sense of overbearing pride. I am arrogant in a negative way. I realized that all on my own today. I.. Desiree... think that the world revolves around ME! *screams nooooooooooooooooo* I never even saw that... until today. No.. I always try to give... I always put others before me.... I never think of me. That isn't true. Inside my head.... deep within my thoughts... it's all about me! I don't think of myself as anything good.. and I am constantly cutting myself down.... scraping away anything that would give me an ounce of credit.... until I'm naked and crying on the cold floor. I fear.... fear love.... fear acceptance..... fear so much. When someone tells me they care or they like me.... I doubt them. I make excuses in my head of why they feel that way. I'll go so far as to plan out when they will desert me. *sighs* It's a tangled web in which I weave.
We discussed Robbie and a few of the feelings that I had on the subject. Gary dood feel that a romantic relationship is the last thing I need right now. He thinks I need to focus on me (which is needed)... and only me. Desiree needs to find a balance with herself, with her life, with her way of thinking...
After all was said and done... I didn't feel awful. Even though I don't really like who or where I am in my life right now, that doesn't mean that it will remain this way. I'm not giving in and I'm not giving up. I feel amazing. I feel like this is going to be it.. Imna really get a grip. With the friends that I have right now, with the support that they give, with the love, with the accountability, with them helping me in my walk with Christ.... how can I go wrong? I can't. I can't. So guys... don't let me go. Don't leave me. Because I'm taking the risk with you... and I need you. I do. So please.... don't leave me.
Robbie
I was talking with Robbie for a lil bit. I asked him if we could talk tonight, but what was I thinking!? It's Halloween, he'll be out the entire night. *shrugs*
I'm going to go lay down and hopefully get a few hours of sleep. Honest truth.... I'm deeply excited about this. I feel like I'm going to turn things around. I wanna hug right now... and I think for the first time in who knows how long... Imna go ask muh mom for one.
*blows a kiss*
¤rAi¤
I was so very tired. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I showered and got dressed... went to Owatonna. My sister had her own appointment, so my mom and I drove around while I blasted some tunes for an hour or so. Then I went to see Gary dood.
Gary
Fear. Fear has taken over. I don't understand it all. But he does, and is pointing it out. Most of it I already knew, but either wouldn't admit to myself... or just didn't want to acknowledge. I am the epitome of everything I dislike. How does that make me feel? I feel..... oddly enough, it is a great relief. I know! I know! WHAT!? But it is. I just feel like this guy gets it.. gets me.. he understands.. and is going to be a huge light. He can't solve anything for me, he can only aid me in helping myself. Only I can change things. I knew that much.
FEAR
I put limitations on myself. I guess he thinks I fear success. Isn't that ridiculous? I want to succeed more than anything. He agrees, but he feels that I have a fear of success, but "we" don't know why yet. I make excuses for why I do or do not do the things I do or do not do. Make sense? Yeah, I know.. it's all twisted.
I've built self-defense tactics, which are unhealthy. I keep people from becoming close to me, and if -n- when they do, I push them away. I haven't had the easiest life, and I guess I fear the pain that is at risk when allowing people to enter my life, or remain in my life. To me... the pleasure isn't worth the risk of the pain. I'd rather live in my own personal coma then live in reality. Everyone has logic -n- emotions which they base their decisions. My scale is a lil off.. I think with JUST my emotions.. and toss logic aside. Emotions give off a false sense of truth, and later when I reflect on the choices I have made.... I use my logic. Which is why I begin to over think. I try to sort through the mess my emotions have left behind... and I go nuts. I need to learn to balance the two. *sighs*
Arrogance.... the sense of overbearing pride. I am arrogant in a negative way. I realized that all on my own today. I.. Desiree... think that the world revolves around ME! *screams nooooooooooooooooo* I never even saw that... until today. No.. I always try to give... I always put others before me.... I never think of me. That isn't true. Inside my head.... deep within my thoughts... it's all about me! I don't think of myself as anything good.. and I am constantly cutting myself down.... scraping away anything that would give me an ounce of credit.... until I'm naked and crying on the cold floor. I fear.... fear love.... fear acceptance..... fear so much. When someone tells me they care or they like me.... I doubt them. I make excuses in my head of why they feel that way. I'll go so far as to plan out when they will desert me. *sighs* It's a tangled web in which I weave.
We discussed Robbie and a few of the feelings that I had on the subject. Gary dood feel that a romantic relationship is the last thing I need right now. He thinks I need to focus on me (which is needed)... and only me. Desiree needs to find a balance with herself, with her life, with her way of thinking...
After all was said and done... I didn't feel awful. Even though I don't really like who or where I am in my life right now, that doesn't mean that it will remain this way. I'm not giving in and I'm not giving up. I feel amazing. I feel like this is going to be it.. Imna really get a grip. With the friends that I have right now, with the support that they give, with the love, with the accountability, with them helping me in my walk with Christ.... how can I go wrong? I can't. I can't. So guys... don't let me go. Don't leave me. Because I'm taking the risk with you... and I need you. I do. So please.... don't leave me.
Robbie
I was talking with Robbie for a lil bit. I asked him if we could talk tonight, but what was I thinking!? It's Halloween, he'll be out the entire night. *shrugs*
I'm going to go lay down and hopefully get a few hours of sleep. Honest truth.... I'm deeply excited about this. I feel like I'm going to turn things around. I wanna hug right now... and I think for the first time in who knows how long... Imna go ask muh mom for one.
*blows a kiss*
¤rAi¤