Destroy eveything you touch.
They always say that the truth shall set you free. I am afraid I have something awful to tell you all here but I must do it, as I feel it is not something I can or should conceal. Though I must admit, I don’t think I have ever been so ashamed of myself.
Yesterday I left Chris and Kell’s place to let them sleep. I went and wondered winnepeg alone. I came across this café that had cheap beers advertised. There was a terrible weight on my mind and I couldn’t seem to align anything in my psyche. It had been like this for days. After my first drink, I was able to settle something down enough to feel at ease with things. This is the usual illusion with substance abuse. It felt really good and this bothered me. It was distressing to me and yet I continued.
I had only read Christophers livejournal but a few hours ago. It made me brim with hope and yet this wasn’t enough. I made my way back up to the mall where I would catch the bus back to Chris and Kell’s. I missed it and had to wait for the next one, which didn’t come for an hour. As usual, I felt vulnerable being surrounded by so many aggressive and questionable aboriginal males, of whom there are many on the streets of Winnipeg, and so I took refuge in this pub by the one of the Mall’s entrance’s. I decided to have another drink and took a seat in the darkened corner. It was then that I was asked if I was gay by a couple of guys sitting two tables away from me. The question seemed more comical than invasive and they were quite non-threatening. I joined them and actually enjoyed the company of perfect(queer) strangers for the first time in Manitoba. We talked about why I was here in Winnipeg. They asked what I was doing later. I wasn’t sure but I said that I wanted to go dancing. And that was the truth. I wanted to dance again. It had been so long and I desired the simple pleasure of it. And so I made up my mind. That was what I was going to do… if only it could have been that simple.
Upon returning, I found Chris and Kellee still asleep. The peace of their home and their love for one another was something I admired secretly and silently. I longed for something like it and couldn’t even begin to calculate what I needed to possibly create it for myself someday.
They stirred and I told them what I wanted to do. They told me to call their friends, as they were going out to something called a ‘social’. And so it was set. I went into a night that would ultimately destroy dreams and break hearts.
I didn’t think about it. Just did it. I kept it check. The company I was keeping was really nice and we were having a good time. I found myself in a community hall full of tacky and joyful wellwishers. A social is an event people hold as a pre-celebration to someone’s wedding. I’m sure you can just picture the scene. It was fun but I wanted to be a place with some safe space and I so I coerced my company to the gaybar.
Getting in was an obstacle I was determined to get through. The door was bullshit and caused our group to split. I said goodnight to them and finally scammed my way passed the authorative door dyke. The premise was exactly what I remembered it to be. It seemed every city had the same people in it doing the same thing. Why I am attracted to these places I don’t really know. But there I was.
My company eventually completely disappeared. I assured them that I would be okay ,insisting that I could take a cab. Now I was only drinking beer. It was then that he appeared. This boy came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance. He was really sincere and looked me in the eye. These are not attributes I associate with my interactions with fags and so I let myself taken away into his strange and delicate gaze.
They called last call. I was sure to get a last beer. I exchanged small talk details with him but mostly just wanted to dance. I was now drunk and knew that I was. He offered me a ride home and I took it. I had a feeling I knew where it was going but at that point I just took the passenger seat and let the unknown driver drive me deeper into the darkness I had surrendered to early that afternoon…
I woke up strange place. I had temporarily forgotten who this person was that I was in bed with. It was alarming. It was noon and I was in the dark of his bedroom. He asked me how I was feeling. I lied and said I was fine. There wasn’t a threat in sight and yet I began to seize and the room began to sink. My night slowly crawled back into my memory and I wanted to discard the events as being foul ,vindictive lies. But they happened. I had unprotected sex with a stranger while under the influence of alcohol.
I talked with him and he said that he had tested negative 4 months earlier. I apologized profusely when I found out I had tried to top him without a condom. He took part of the blame for having allowed it and told me that he otherwise has never done that. Though I still found him to be very genuine, I don’t take much comfort in his testimony , as he had sex with some guy he had known only for a few hours. I wanted to scream. I had to get out of there. He gave me his number, which I kept just in case one day I would have to tell him he gave me something.
The streets were snowy. My sense of guilt began to sharpen. It had a serrated edge and cut deep into my mind. There was no denying what the truth was. I had put myself at risk and could no longer donate my sperm to Chris and Kell and I had to tell them.
Chris was awake and cheery as usual. I told him that I had just done something incredibly self-destructive. I went onto describe what happened and what I thought about it. I told him he had to space to tell how he felt and he thought about my person and our relationship. I didn’t want him to be easy on me. He told me that I needed to acknowledge that is was something that happened and that there was no changing that. He also told me that there was no use in sentencing myself to severe punishment. He told me that he believed me to be growing, even in spite of actions from the night previous and I needed to learn the lessons which had now presented themselves to me, once again. He said, yes, this was a fuck up but that I should think of how I would treating it if the consequences were just to be had on my own. Good advice, and an interesting change of perspective. But we both knew who the consequences would hurt the most. Bless his soul for being so kind and such a great friend. I was quick to assure him that the expense of my (possibly) next flight would be my own if that was to the direction of our bonds uncertain future. We talked about the possibility of the prospects ahead in a time where I would know that I was disease-free and still capable to help. Though it was a nice thought, I wasn’t so naïve to think that this was what would still be wanted by Kellee.
I showered and went to sleep in the middle of the day. I had every intention of telling Kellee as soon as I realized what I had done. I saw her once when she woke and lost my nerve to say it right then and there and further rationalized that by thinking I should ‘let her wake up’ and enjoy her breakfast before I told of the terrible news I had. I slept through the day and woke to realized she had already gone to work. I asked chris if he told her and he said he had to when they talked about the next insemination. He had to tell right before she went to work. The dread made me nauseous.
I underestimated her fury. She came home and warned that I probably didn’t want to hear what she had to say. But I insisted that she say what she needed to. She doesn’t trust me anymore. She no longer wants to do have a baby with me. She fears what I might let happen in the future. She is scared of exposing herself,which in turn would expose Chris to whatever I might have contracted. Her heart is broken. She went onto to say she doesn’t get me and doesn’t’ understand how I could be so reckless with my life. Furthermore, she says she doesn’t understand how could do that knowing that now that I have, I have prevented two of my best friends from realizing their dream of being parents. I listened to every word, my own heart completely breaking, and have never felt a remorse so immense.
That is the way things are now. The damage done may be irrevocable. Kellee said what she had to and now I feel alien to this house of love in this city. Having betrayed myself I have betrayed my friends. I made a choice that made no reverence to all they have put forward to make this work for them. Of all the self aware confessions I have made, none of it could save me from the menace of my own weakness. The worst could very well still be yet to come and I can live with that. What I can’t live is the notion that I have hurt my friends in this way and that things will Kellee will never be the same. Just when I thought the shame would perish someday I go and do something like this. I don’t deserve people like this and they most certainly don’t deserve to be victimized by my self-loathing oblivion. I will not do this to people anymore. That is for certain.
I don’t know what else to write here. Even though I have never been so embarrassed, I thought it was right to live up to my actions and be honest with the people in my life, whom I love. I want to apologize to Chris and Kellee, for ruining it all. I want to apologize to everyone whom I’ve ever hurt, even in the slightest of senses. It was never my intention.
Please don’t call me. If anyone, you should call chris and kell. Perhaps they would appreciate your support. I think I should be alone for a while. I thought I could manage myself and begin having healthy relationships, but it doesn’t seem so. As for drinking or drugs, I think this should be it. I think it is obvious that I can’t handle it. I must now look upon them as poisonous and doom inducing.
I assure you that I will try very hard not to destroy myself while I am away. I will be earnestly trying to understand and make amends with myself. If anything, I will probably just sleep a little too much. Sleep has always provided me with an ideal domain. There, I am not tempted to ingest anything. I don’t hurt my body or anyone else, for that matter. I am rendered harmless and no one there cares if all I do is dream…
good night,
beric
Yesterday I left Chris and Kell’s place to let them sleep. I went and wondered winnepeg alone. I came across this café that had cheap beers advertised. There was a terrible weight on my mind and I couldn’t seem to align anything in my psyche. It had been like this for days. After my first drink, I was able to settle something down enough to feel at ease with things. This is the usual illusion with substance abuse. It felt really good and this bothered me. It was distressing to me and yet I continued.
I had only read Christophers livejournal but a few hours ago. It made me brim with hope and yet this wasn’t enough. I made my way back up to the mall where I would catch the bus back to Chris and Kell’s. I missed it and had to wait for the next one, which didn’t come for an hour. As usual, I felt vulnerable being surrounded by so many aggressive and questionable aboriginal males, of whom there are many on the streets of Winnipeg, and so I took refuge in this pub by the one of the Mall’s entrance’s. I decided to have another drink and took a seat in the darkened corner. It was then that I was asked if I was gay by a couple of guys sitting two tables away from me. The question seemed more comical than invasive and they were quite non-threatening. I joined them and actually enjoyed the company of perfect(queer) strangers for the first time in Manitoba. We talked about why I was here in Winnipeg. They asked what I was doing later. I wasn’t sure but I said that I wanted to go dancing. And that was the truth. I wanted to dance again. It had been so long and I desired the simple pleasure of it. And so I made up my mind. That was what I was going to do… if only it could have been that simple.
Upon returning, I found Chris and Kellee still asleep. The peace of their home and their love for one another was something I admired secretly and silently. I longed for something like it and couldn’t even begin to calculate what I needed to possibly create it for myself someday.
They stirred and I told them what I wanted to do. They told me to call their friends, as they were going out to something called a ‘social’. And so it was set. I went into a night that would ultimately destroy dreams and break hearts.
I didn’t think about it. Just did it. I kept it check. The company I was keeping was really nice and we were having a good time. I found myself in a community hall full of tacky and joyful wellwishers. A social is an event people hold as a pre-celebration to someone’s wedding. I’m sure you can just picture the scene. It was fun but I wanted to be a place with some safe space and I so I coerced my company to the gaybar.
Getting in was an obstacle I was determined to get through. The door was bullshit and caused our group to split. I said goodnight to them and finally scammed my way passed the authorative door dyke. The premise was exactly what I remembered it to be. It seemed every city had the same people in it doing the same thing. Why I am attracted to these places I don’t really know. But there I was.
My company eventually completely disappeared. I assured them that I would be okay ,insisting that I could take a cab. Now I was only drinking beer. It was then that he appeared. This boy came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance. He was really sincere and looked me in the eye. These are not attributes I associate with my interactions with fags and so I let myself taken away into his strange and delicate gaze.
They called last call. I was sure to get a last beer. I exchanged small talk details with him but mostly just wanted to dance. I was now drunk and knew that I was. He offered me a ride home and I took it. I had a feeling I knew where it was going but at that point I just took the passenger seat and let the unknown driver drive me deeper into the darkness I had surrendered to early that afternoon…
I woke up strange place. I had temporarily forgotten who this person was that I was in bed with. It was alarming. It was noon and I was in the dark of his bedroom. He asked me how I was feeling. I lied and said I was fine. There wasn’t a threat in sight and yet I began to seize and the room began to sink. My night slowly crawled back into my memory and I wanted to discard the events as being foul ,vindictive lies. But they happened. I had unprotected sex with a stranger while under the influence of alcohol.
I talked with him and he said that he had tested negative 4 months earlier. I apologized profusely when I found out I had tried to top him without a condom. He took part of the blame for having allowed it and told me that he otherwise has never done that. Though I still found him to be very genuine, I don’t take much comfort in his testimony , as he had sex with some guy he had known only for a few hours. I wanted to scream. I had to get out of there. He gave me his number, which I kept just in case one day I would have to tell him he gave me something.
The streets were snowy. My sense of guilt began to sharpen. It had a serrated edge and cut deep into my mind. There was no denying what the truth was. I had put myself at risk and could no longer donate my sperm to Chris and Kell and I had to tell them.
Chris was awake and cheery as usual. I told him that I had just done something incredibly self-destructive. I went onto describe what happened and what I thought about it. I told him he had to space to tell how he felt and he thought about my person and our relationship. I didn’t want him to be easy on me. He told me that I needed to acknowledge that is was something that happened and that there was no changing that. He also told me that there was no use in sentencing myself to severe punishment. He told me that he believed me to be growing, even in spite of actions from the night previous and I needed to learn the lessons which had now presented themselves to me, once again. He said, yes, this was a fuck up but that I should think of how I would treating it if the consequences were just to be had on my own. Good advice, and an interesting change of perspective. But we both knew who the consequences would hurt the most. Bless his soul for being so kind and such a great friend. I was quick to assure him that the expense of my (possibly) next flight would be my own if that was to the direction of our bonds uncertain future. We talked about the possibility of the prospects ahead in a time where I would know that I was disease-free and still capable to help. Though it was a nice thought, I wasn’t so naïve to think that this was what would still be wanted by Kellee.
I showered and went to sleep in the middle of the day. I had every intention of telling Kellee as soon as I realized what I had done. I saw her once when she woke and lost my nerve to say it right then and there and further rationalized that by thinking I should ‘let her wake up’ and enjoy her breakfast before I told of the terrible news I had. I slept through the day and woke to realized she had already gone to work. I asked chris if he told her and he said he had to when they talked about the next insemination. He had to tell right before she went to work. The dread made me nauseous.
I underestimated her fury. She came home and warned that I probably didn’t want to hear what she had to say. But I insisted that she say what she needed to. She doesn’t trust me anymore. She no longer wants to do have a baby with me. She fears what I might let happen in the future. She is scared of exposing herself,which in turn would expose Chris to whatever I might have contracted. Her heart is broken. She went onto to say she doesn’t get me and doesn’t’ understand how I could be so reckless with my life. Furthermore, she says she doesn’t understand how could do that knowing that now that I have, I have prevented two of my best friends from realizing their dream of being parents. I listened to every word, my own heart completely breaking, and have never felt a remorse so immense.
That is the way things are now. The damage done may be irrevocable. Kellee said what she had to and now I feel alien to this house of love in this city. Having betrayed myself I have betrayed my friends. I made a choice that made no reverence to all they have put forward to make this work for them. Of all the self aware confessions I have made, none of it could save me from the menace of my own weakness. The worst could very well still be yet to come and I can live with that. What I can’t live is the notion that I have hurt my friends in this way and that things will Kellee will never be the same. Just when I thought the shame would perish someday I go and do something like this. I don’t deserve people like this and they most certainly don’t deserve to be victimized by my self-loathing oblivion. I will not do this to people anymore. That is for certain.
I don’t know what else to write here. Even though I have never been so embarrassed, I thought it was right to live up to my actions and be honest with the people in my life, whom I love. I want to apologize to Chris and Kellee, for ruining it all. I want to apologize to everyone whom I’ve ever hurt, even in the slightest of senses. It was never my intention.
Please don’t call me. If anyone, you should call chris and kell. Perhaps they would appreciate your support. I think I should be alone for a while. I thought I could manage myself and begin having healthy relationships, but it doesn’t seem so. As for drinking or drugs, I think this should be it. I think it is obvious that I can’t handle it. I must now look upon them as poisonous and doom inducing.
I assure you that I will try very hard not to destroy myself while I am away. I will be earnestly trying to understand and make amends with myself. If anything, I will probably just sleep a little too much. Sleep has always provided me with an ideal domain. There, I am not tempted to ingest anything. I don’t hurt my body or anyone else, for that matter. I am rendered harmless and no one there cares if all I do is dream…
good night,
beric