Died yet again
Committed suicide last night in my dreams.
Satan, the Devil, "Evil Entity," was trying to make me turn from being good and join "him." I can't remember if I was important somehow or not, I just know that "he" was gunning for me. I remember being haunted by an apparition that wouldn't leave me alone, hearing sinister voices in my ear but no one was there. I was married/seriously dating someone--it was Keanu Reeves, yet I knew that it was actually Adam though it didn't look like him. The whole dream played out much like the movie "The Devil's Advocate", I think it was, with Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron. In order for him not to get me, I knew I had to kill myself, but I really didn't want to. I think "Keanu" knew what was going on, and he was trying to save me/help me, but in the end, I knew what had to be done. The evil entity found out about my way out, and was trying to stop me. I remember walking slowly and grudgingly over to a counter in an apartment-type place with a razor in my hand. I watched as the entity, extremely upset that he couldn't stop me due to "free will" left the place. "Keanu," watched me for a few moments then walked out as well. I don't think he quite knew what I was about to do. I remember crying so hard because I didn't want to leave the life I had behind and SO uncertain of the unknown--what if this was it? All my doubts came rushing in at the last possible second, but I remember the burning sensation as I sliced open my left wrist, and followed with my right.
Things became a jumble after that, got blurry, slowed down, started to fade out--kinda like what dying might really be like? I remember Keanu trying to save my life, ran in, holding me and crying, trying to stop the bleeding, but I was so faint at that point I could hardly move.
The dream has stayed with me all day, and put me in a somber mood to start. Adam left early this morning to go to a gun show with Chip and Chris Huff, so I had the day to myself. Allie ran off last night when I took her out, so I slept in today because we didn't find her till 1:30 in the morning.
I've become so tired lately, I don't know why.
So I got invited out by fellow Cendant employees (budget rent a car people) to hang out at Howl at the Moon, at club at the Inner Harbor. I've got a change of clothes to go right after work, and I told Adam I was planning to go, and justified that if he gets his morning with his friends, I should get my night with mine, especially since he won't be home until 1:30am or so, and I will probably get off around 11:00. He said that I just needed to be careful while I'm out, like it was dangerous or something. The whole little protection thing does NOT work with me, so I quickly retorted with a warning that he should be careful at the gun show since he's around all sorts of dangerous weapons.
He didn't like that too much.
I wonder sometimes....what would have happened had I given this up and gone to date Patrick? Would my life be "freer?" He doesn't care about what all these other people care about, and I never truly did care, but now that I'm getting older, I do sometimes dream about having a house of my "own" and getting out of the dungheap that is Baltimore. But at the same time, there are things that Patrick never got into and doesn't care about that anyone in today's society needs to at least know about. He's 28 with no real future but wants to own a home, wanted to buy an '06 Mustang (not a long term-future thinker, I see.) No real plan, has just scooted around and played around for the first 10 years of his adult life. That's kind of a turn off, but then again its a turn on knowing there are people out there who can see a different picture than these typical pigeons pecking around to pay their dues. A regular Jonathan Livingston Seagull, I think I'll call him that from now on, if I can remember. :)
Satan, the Devil, "Evil Entity," was trying to make me turn from being good and join "him." I can't remember if I was important somehow or not, I just know that "he" was gunning for me. I remember being haunted by an apparition that wouldn't leave me alone, hearing sinister voices in my ear but no one was there. I was married/seriously dating someone--it was Keanu Reeves, yet I knew that it was actually Adam though it didn't look like him. The whole dream played out much like the movie "The Devil's Advocate", I think it was, with Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron. In order for him not to get me, I knew I had to kill myself, but I really didn't want to. I think "Keanu" knew what was going on, and he was trying to save me/help me, but in the end, I knew what had to be done. The evil entity found out about my way out, and was trying to stop me. I remember walking slowly and grudgingly over to a counter in an apartment-type place with a razor in my hand. I watched as the entity, extremely upset that he couldn't stop me due to "free will" left the place. "Keanu," watched me for a few moments then walked out as well. I don't think he quite knew what I was about to do. I remember crying so hard because I didn't want to leave the life I had behind and SO uncertain of the unknown--what if this was it? All my doubts came rushing in at the last possible second, but I remember the burning sensation as I sliced open my left wrist, and followed with my right.
Things became a jumble after that, got blurry, slowed down, started to fade out--kinda like what dying might really be like? I remember Keanu trying to save my life, ran in, holding me and crying, trying to stop the bleeding, but I was so faint at that point I could hardly move.
The dream has stayed with me all day, and put me in a somber mood to start. Adam left early this morning to go to a gun show with Chip and Chris Huff, so I had the day to myself. Allie ran off last night when I took her out, so I slept in today because we didn't find her till 1:30 in the morning.
I've become so tired lately, I don't know why.
So I got invited out by fellow Cendant employees (budget rent a car people) to hang out at Howl at the Moon, at club at the Inner Harbor. I've got a change of clothes to go right after work, and I told Adam I was planning to go, and justified that if he gets his morning with his friends, I should get my night with mine, especially since he won't be home until 1:30am or so, and I will probably get off around 11:00. He said that I just needed to be careful while I'm out, like it was dangerous or something. The whole little protection thing does NOT work with me, so I quickly retorted with a warning that he should be careful at the gun show since he's around all sorts of dangerous weapons.
He didn't like that too much.
I wonder sometimes....what would have happened had I given this up and gone to date Patrick? Would my life be "freer?" He doesn't care about what all these other people care about, and I never truly did care, but now that I'm getting older, I do sometimes dream about having a house of my "own" and getting out of the dungheap that is Baltimore. But at the same time, there are things that Patrick never got into and doesn't care about that anyone in today's society needs to at least know about. He's 28 with no real future but wants to own a home, wanted to buy an '06 Mustang (not a long term-future thinker, I see.) No real plan, has just scooted around and played around for the first 10 years of his adult life. That's kind of a turn off, but then again its a turn on knowing there are people out there who can see a different picture than these typical pigeons pecking around to pay their dues. A regular Jonathan Livingston Seagull, I think I'll call him that from now on, if I can remember. :)