I never knew what emotion was until you were born and I started missing you
I went to Minneapolis last weekend. Family friends were getting married - congratulations Donald and Mark. I cried. People getting married are so happy. Crying from happiness is a curious thing.
At the reception I danced with all the kids. I made Quinn (14), Casey (13), Jojo(12), Karina(12), Bowen(20) and Zach(18) dance. I also danced with several adults. My father asked me to dance. "You're very popular" he said. "Oh, I'm just coercing them all." I said. "The most popular people are the ones who don't know they're popular." He said. "Like Rose," he said, "she never thought she was popular."
There was a pause, and I changed the subject. "So how are you doing?" I asked.
"Oh..." He smiled in a pained way, "not too well."
I knew what he was talking about, and so he said "you know, your mother thinks I have a bad relationship with my kids."
I smiled in that way. I always feel guilty when I can't tell people something they've heard is true because it'd be too painful. It gets more complicated when it's your dad. I waited, because I know he'll always talk if you let him.
"I'm not that popular," I said.
He opened his mouth to protest, but Karina walked up at that moment, which didn't matter because my statement was weak bait and I didn't need compliments anyway, and said, "will you pin me?"
Ross is a little off the hook since he and Anne separated. Every time he talks to me about it, he says, "It's important for me to tell you about this because you're an adult and I want to treat you like one." But I know he doesn't tell my siblings these things and I know he tells me for his sake, not mine. It's not something I need to hear and I don't particularly want to be informed, but I never protest because he's my dad and really, you can't stop your father from doing anything to you. I don't tell my mom about all the confessions because she would get angry at him, and I am the only one I want to be upset about it. He is really broken, but only part of me is sorry for him because the other part catches a glimpse through the cracks and now I can see why it really happened in the first place. I give him credit for not actually having an affair but he did give my mom a lot of shit just through default.
I'm always comparing myself to my parents (especially Anne) in order to learn from their mistakes. My main problem with Anne is her defensiveness and anger at Ross. Jojo accuses me of taking out my bad mood on her. I'm conscious about blame; I don't like upsetting bystanders. For this reason I judge Anne. Whenever she's in a bad mood, everyone else ends up there too. It pisses me off. I'm pissed off at both of them. I don't want them to be apart, but they're fuckheads for hurting each other and I just want Jojo to live with me, so she's ok and we never have to think about it. I don't think they'll get back together at the end of their six months.
At the reception I danced with all the kids. I made Quinn (14), Casey (13), Jojo(12), Karina(12), Bowen(20) and Zach(18) dance. I also danced with several adults. My father asked me to dance. "You're very popular" he said. "Oh, I'm just coercing them all." I said. "The most popular people are the ones who don't know they're popular." He said. "Like Rose," he said, "she never thought she was popular."
There was a pause, and I changed the subject. "So how are you doing?" I asked.
"Oh..." He smiled in a pained way, "not too well."
I knew what he was talking about, and so he said "you know, your mother thinks I have a bad relationship with my kids."
I smiled in that way. I always feel guilty when I can't tell people something they've heard is true because it'd be too painful. It gets more complicated when it's your dad. I waited, because I know he'll always talk if you let him.
"I'm not that popular," I said.
He opened his mouth to protest, but Karina walked up at that moment, which didn't matter because my statement was weak bait and I didn't need compliments anyway, and said, "will you pin me?"
Ross is a little off the hook since he and Anne separated. Every time he talks to me about it, he says, "It's important for me to tell you about this because you're an adult and I want to treat you like one." But I know he doesn't tell my siblings these things and I know he tells me for his sake, not mine. It's not something I need to hear and I don't particularly want to be informed, but I never protest because he's my dad and really, you can't stop your father from doing anything to you. I don't tell my mom about all the confessions because she would get angry at him, and I am the only one I want to be upset about it. He is really broken, but only part of me is sorry for him because the other part catches a glimpse through the cracks and now I can see why it really happened in the first place. I give him credit for not actually having an affair but he did give my mom a lot of shit just through default.
I'm always comparing myself to my parents (especially Anne) in order to learn from their mistakes. My main problem with Anne is her defensiveness and anger at Ross. Jojo accuses me of taking out my bad mood on her. I'm conscious about blame; I don't like upsetting bystanders. For this reason I judge Anne. Whenever she's in a bad mood, everyone else ends up there too. It pisses me off. I'm pissed off at both of them. I don't want them to be apart, but they're fuckheads for hurting each other and I just want Jojo to live with me, so she's ok and we never have to think about it. I don't think they'll get back together at the end of their six months.