late
I feel that I am lost. destined to die slowly and painfully. In the same respect though I feel that I have nothing left to lose besides my life, but that doesn't bother me so much. It came upon me today when I was thinking... that if I had to do it all over again, but I still couldn't change the outcome I wouldn't. I would choose not to be born. I would choose it because I already fucked up my life, and it took years to redeem it, but I'll never see myself as normal. The two people that I would ever give my whole entire heart to don't want it. I don't want to give it to anyone else, not only in fear of it being shat on and rejected, but I don't know if I have a heart to give anymore. The pathetic and sad thing is, to this day I would give my life for her, but I know it wouldn't go the other way. If I was to die right now all my possesions would still be going to her according to my life insurance plan, and frankly, I don't think I'm ever going to change that because my love is forever. Now that's pathetic, and I know it is, but it IS how I feel.
The one other person who could save me from the ashes is finding her own way, which I can't blame her for, but I'm just not certain our paths will ever cross again.
So here I go again on my own, and the only other person I have in my life with unconditional love is my mom. I think the only reason I still go on is because of her... I know that saving my life is saving her life. I don't think she could take the death of her youngest child, considering that her oldest doesn't give a shit about helping family, and I am forced to be the glue that holds us together.
I'm empty. I'm mad, I'm fucking sad and depressed and it sucks. It sucks also because I hide it from my friends. I hate debbie downers and I don't want to be considered that guy who is and looks at the glass half empty. I put up a front and it just makes things easier I feel.
I feel like I've almost found my breaking point.
The one other person who could save me from the ashes is finding her own way, which I can't blame her for, but I'm just not certain our paths will ever cross again.
So here I go again on my own, and the only other person I have in my life with unconditional love is my mom. I think the only reason I still go on is because of her... I know that saving my life is saving her life. I don't think she could take the death of her youngest child, considering that her oldest doesn't give a shit about helping family, and I am forced to be the glue that holds us together.
I'm empty. I'm mad, I'm fucking sad and depressed and it sucks. It sucks also because I hide it from my friends. I hate debbie downers and I don't want to be considered that guy who is and looks at the glass half empty. I put up a front and it just makes things easier I feel.
I feel like I've almost found my breaking point.