a day of confusion
today I went to work like normal, and got a phone call from Susan, Destinee's mom. She sounded really happy, but I was busy and told her I would call her back when I was finished working on the car that had to be done by 3 and I had a bunch of work left to do on it. Then I recieved some texts from her, which sounded really strange and were all broken up. long story short she didn't answer my calls and Destinee called me tonight telling me that her mom got really sick. it hit me pretty hard. To think that my last words with her could of been that short conversation we had just talking about the snow and the kittens. I have been pulling my hair out. I might have to go drive to Missouri tomorrow just so she knows I will always be there for her, I am that worried about her. Destinee brought up some otherthings about her mom on the phone that I knew about and didn't tell her about so she was kinda upset. I understand this. I do. but in a way susan is right. if what she has turns out to be true, she has no reason to fight it because she has nothing to live for. Her daughter was her sole driving force to life. and now she barely has any communication with her. if I was the reason for destinee not seeing her mom. I would dissapear from susans and destinee's life entirely, because I can't have the weight of someone's life on my soul.
Apperently ive been told I'm not the reason but I never know for sure completely. sometimes I want to shake destinee and tell her that her mom's life is literally in her hands, and I don't think she takes it as serious as it is.
there was a time that destinee told me in my town car asking me if she realized my decision would be one of the biggest mistakes in my life. and it was. I would do anything in the world and spend the rest of my life taking back my mistake.
on the other hand ive been wanting to tell destinee that she could be making the biggest decision of her life. both my shutting her mom out of her life and by staying with rusty. I know they love eachother, but she deserves so much better, and somebody with a future. EVEN IF IT WASN'T ME. I realized I am ok with it not being me. just not him. just not the relationship she has with her mom now. I know this sounds harsh, but I think Its healthy and I have a right to get mad about the situation sometimes. I just feel so helpless about everything. I wish I could just be there, just to show that I do truly do care about destinee, and dan and susan, and even destinees dad.
In other news Bayla has come back to town, and I finally sat down and talked to her one on one about everything that has happened. I think the coolest thing is that she understood, and wasn't mad nut was still upset about everything. I'm just glad we got to the point again were we can at least talk to eachother and be in the same room without tention. I feel so much shame about how everything went down. I broke her heart and jumped in a car and drove 1000 miles to see my true love. I think what made it even worse for her is afterwords I refused to go to california with her, eventhough I already bought the tickets, and I didn't hang out with her at all due to the fact that I only wanted destinee, and didn't want to be tempted or confronted about how fucked up my actions were to her when I dunped her to persue my soul mate. she promised that she wouldn't get emotionally attached to me again, because she didn't want to get hurt again. which sounds fucked up, but its whats best. I just have to keep my guard up because I could get tempted in my time of weakness. But i know I love destinee, even if she dosn't love me. ( i know she does inside, but she refuses to say it back I think so its easier to her) well its been a long draining day.
in the end is I know that I love destinee no matter what with all my heart.
I love susan, and will do anything for her as well
and I love anyone who's related to destinee, even If im not family, I still think of them as family to me.
Apperently ive been told I'm not the reason but I never know for sure completely. sometimes I want to shake destinee and tell her that her mom's life is literally in her hands, and I don't think she takes it as serious as it is.
there was a time that destinee told me in my town car asking me if she realized my decision would be one of the biggest mistakes in my life. and it was. I would do anything in the world and spend the rest of my life taking back my mistake.
on the other hand ive been wanting to tell destinee that she could be making the biggest decision of her life. both my shutting her mom out of her life and by staying with rusty. I know they love eachother, but she deserves so much better, and somebody with a future. EVEN IF IT WASN'T ME. I realized I am ok with it not being me. just not him. just not the relationship she has with her mom now. I know this sounds harsh, but I think Its healthy and I have a right to get mad about the situation sometimes. I just feel so helpless about everything. I wish I could just be there, just to show that I do truly do care about destinee, and dan and susan, and even destinees dad.
In other news Bayla has come back to town, and I finally sat down and talked to her one on one about everything that has happened. I think the coolest thing is that she understood, and wasn't mad nut was still upset about everything. I'm just glad we got to the point again were we can at least talk to eachother and be in the same room without tention. I feel so much shame about how everything went down. I broke her heart and jumped in a car and drove 1000 miles to see my true love. I think what made it even worse for her is afterwords I refused to go to california with her, eventhough I already bought the tickets, and I didn't hang out with her at all due to the fact that I only wanted destinee, and didn't want to be tempted or confronted about how fucked up my actions were to her when I dunped her to persue my soul mate. she promised that she wouldn't get emotionally attached to me again, because she didn't want to get hurt again. which sounds fucked up, but its whats best. I just have to keep my guard up because I could get tempted in my time of weakness. But i know I love destinee, even if she dosn't love me. ( i know she does inside, but she refuses to say it back I think so its easier to her) well its been a long draining day.
in the end is I know that I love destinee no matter what with all my heart.
I love susan, and will do anything for her as well
and I love anyone who's related to destinee, even If im not family, I still think of them as family to me.