(no subject)
well first off, it's offically February 1, so HAPPY SWEET 16 LEAH! My best friend thru everything!:) I don't know what I would do without you, or who I would talk to. I would die without you. I've known you for over 10 years now. There's been so many times. You're one in a million, no doubt about that. We always have the best time together. Have the best birthday ever! AHH you can get your permite now! Hell yeaa. I can see the list of tikcets and accident reports adding up now. Love you!
So right now I'm very much awake. Too awake. But for once in the middle of the night, and knowing you have to get up at 6am, I don't feel completely frustrated and depressed. But I don't know how I got so off course in my sleeping. Not even off course, but not even sleeping. Well Sat. night I knew I wouldn't be able to go to bed. But I had to get up at 430am for snowboarding in VT with ski club. So I took a couple ambien. I think that was the first mistake. I "fell t sleep" maybe around 11-1130. But as soon as a did I started hilusinating. Most likely just like my brother did the last time he was home, but Jess was there to witness it all. I could only imagine the things I was doing in my sleep and the things I was saying. But I was dreaming the whole time and it felt real. I felt like it was happing. I was in my dream. But you don't remember anything you said during your sleep, bc obviuosly your sleeping. But then I "woke up" and this is when I knew I started hilusinating bc I got up quick and it was all dark in my room. But a Yetie was purched up by my ceiling and it was like sitting on a shelf and it was ready to jump on me. So I started yelling "mom, mom, dad, dad!" Bc for some reason I thought I heard them banging cabinets shut. So i get up and open my door and the house is all dark and quiet. And you might not understand this next part but I didn't know where I was, even tho I knew I was in my house. I started running thru my house going "where am I, where is everyone, omg somebody help." I didn't know if I was still in my dreams or if I was in the real world. I'm being totally seriuos when I say I have never been as confused as I was wondering whether I was still in my dreams or not. I was so confused, I didn't know. So I go back in my room. Then I run out again, and mind you this everytime I get up I can't see b/c everything is blurred and fuzzy bc that's what the pill does to you. And it was dark and blury and i couldn't see. I musta ran outta my room about 5 times that night, running into stuff, and saying where am i, where is everyone, somebody help me, over and over again. It was actaully quite scary tho. Bc I thought I was stuck in a dream, well more like a nightmare at the time, even tho I was "awake". It was just confusing. I can't really understand everything that happened. It was really weird. I think I feel to sleep around 130 or 2. And got up at 430. Yes getting less then 3 hours of sleep and then going snowboarding all fucking day long, was, i donno, seemed like I wouldn't have been able to do anything. But amazingly, I woke up more ready to go then I have in a long time. Which kinda upset me. Let me explain this one... I know my sleeping problem effect alot of things and its really bad, but I never realized how bad it was till now. Keep in mind that a sleeping pill is suppose to reduse the quality of your sleep. Well sleeping under 3 hours with a sleeping pill, made me get more sleep than me sleeping 6, 8, and even 12 hours just being me. Doctors, concilors and i even I knew that when I sleep i don't rest. I could sleep for days and still wake up tired. But that just goes to show me how little rest I get. I get about an hour or 2 hours of actaully resting when I sleep, even if I sleep for 6 times that amount. Which, I think, should be impossible to live off of, but I guess that explains the way I feel all the time. Realizing this made me so frustrated. I just wanna cry. It's just not enough that I can't get to sleep, and even when I sleep I can't rest, but to find out that I only get about 1-2 hours of rest, when other people get like over 4 times that sucks. It's so frustrating bc I can't help. There's nothing I can do to change the way my mind works. To make it rest, to shut down my body. Obviuosly my pills aren't working, and he's going to have to put me on a larger perscription then he thought he would have to use. It's like no wonder I physically feel like I'm going to die when I'm awake. And I was telling me dad, and he can't even understand. He's like why don't you just sleep. I'm like, what the fuck? I can't fucking do anything about it, if I could I would. He's like doesn't your body just give up. I'm like yea I pass out all the time, but when i sleep i dont get into a deep enough sleep for my body to rest. I'm like how many fucking times have I told you that. How many fucking times do I have to explain this to you. I'm like Jesus Christ. I don't even know how to explain it, let alone come up with any ideas on how to make it better. Bc believe me, if I could, I would most deff. This is one of the hardest things I have to deal with. I just wish I could feel better. But he never understood, he was always stupid about it. Like he thinks its something I can just go thru and make better for some reason. Im the spring when my insomnia gets worse, I don't fall to sleep for days. It seems like forever. He would get mad at me for not going to school when i haven't slept. I wold be like i can't move, I'm exhusted. He would be like why don't you go to sleep. I was like I can't fall to sleep. He would be like well you have school, that your missing, so you better get up. I would be like what the fuck do you fucking want me to do about it. I don't ask for this. I don't keep my self up. My eyes burn, I'm so phyically exhusted, but i still couldn't fall to sleep. That's the most frustrating thing in the world. It would take me to get up, fall on the ground, walk into everything in my house, and seeing that I could hardly open my eyes, and not being able to even crawl to get around, let alone walk, to get that I couldn't go to school some mornings. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't get how serious it is. He doesn't get how frustrating it is for me, and how much I cry and wish I could be like everyone else. I know it's hard to understand how I feel and why this heppens to me. But I'm not lieing when i say I can't move, or open my eyes. People should have more trust in what I say. I went snowboarding all day, and still couldn't sleep that night. That to me seems impossible. It's so tiring snowboarding all day. Usually people go to ebd when they get home. They just pass out, until they get up the next morning. Some people don't come to school on monday after snowboarding the day before, just becuase they're really tired. And i still didn't sleep. And when I woke up this morning, I just thought i could never go to school, I could never make it thru the day. I never went to school feeling this tired. I usually stay home. But for some reason i still went, even tho I couldn't see striaight. Things all day were just moving and shaking and blury. I was just like a zombie walking around. I never thought I could make it thru the day. But I did. And the second I got home I passed on my bed. I don't rememeber even touching the bed. I just rememeber waking up. I don't remember putting my head on the pillow or pulling up the blankets. That brings me to now, wide awake. Having 8 hours of sleep in 3 days. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. It's interesting bc these past three days, I've been seeing stuff and things seem to move or shake. But I guess that's what sleep depravation does to you. When you get so tired, it doesn't even feel like your living. It just feels like, I donno, your just there, or part of a dream. It feels like you should wake up or something.
Now I either know there is a ghost or a curse on me. Things happen to me, accidnents happen, that are just impossible. Totally impossible. I had a black cloud hanging over my head since I was little. Things happens that just can't happen. So this impossible accident happened snowboarding. So I go off a jump, and landed it perfect. Best jump and the most air I think I even got. So then after I landed it I carved so I could go over to where jake and pat were sitting. So I carve and my board completely flys off. Unattached from me. flys up, and sends in the air, only to come down and fall on the side of my board. My right shin landed on the side of my board. Let me tell you that hurt so bad. I looked at it in the lodge quick but al I saw was all the skin was tore and stratched. But when I got home I realized why it hurt so fucking bad. It was all swollen, and it was all bumped up. I mean no a little part. But like the big ass part of my leg, blow my knew, was all swollen, bumped up, bruzed, and stratched up. It was disgusting. Now I don't know what this happened. My left leg is always attached to my board, all day. I only undo the right for when you go on the chairlift. It was tight, I was going off jumps and riding all day. So I get of the chair lift and hook my right leg in. Now many, bc of my new cinch bindings I didn't click my right back clicking cinch thing all the way up, so many when I landed going off the jump that fast it shocked down and the binding was now off and my right foot was lose so when i carved it came out. I could somehow understand how that could happen. But not both coming off. Not my board coming completely off. You know why thats impossible. First of all you dont come out of your bindings when they are on right, second when I got up and pat handed me my board my left back cinch clicker you click up to lock your foot in place, was STILL UP. The right was down, i already explained how that could have happened. But my left was still up. There is NO possible way my foot could have came out. PLus, heres the third thing...The leash was on my left foot, bc obveouisly it's the one that you never take off when you go on the chair lift. You have it attached to your binding and then to your boot, so if you somehow did come off from your board, your board wouldnt go down the hill. Well mine hooks to my boot. It's impossible for it just to come off. But like I said my board came off completely, Even the leash that was attached to me. How the fuck does that happen. How does the leash not even stay on. How in hell does the leash unleash itself. Yes, It's IMPOSSIBLE, impossible. I can't stress that enough, that what happened to me, can't happen. I never even heard of a baord coming off of somone, let alone everything too. Jake and Pat saw everything and then I looked up they were just baffled. The were so confused. They were like how does that happen, you should have seen their faces. I went thru the incedent and still dont understand. The look on all of our faces must have been priceless with the look of confusion. Now I said I never was more confused in my life with the whole i dont know if i'm in a dream thing..But this was more then confusion bc it physically can't happen. I can't even begin to explain what could have happened. I can't even begin. I will wonder for the rest of my life. Only me, and my bad luck.
So right now I'm very much awake. Too awake. But for once in the middle of the night, and knowing you have to get up at 6am, I don't feel completely frustrated and depressed. But I don't know how I got so off course in my sleeping. Not even off course, but not even sleeping. Well Sat. night I knew I wouldn't be able to go to bed. But I had to get up at 430am for snowboarding in VT with ski club. So I took a couple ambien. I think that was the first mistake. I "fell t sleep" maybe around 11-1130. But as soon as a did I started hilusinating. Most likely just like my brother did the last time he was home, but Jess was there to witness it all. I could only imagine the things I was doing in my sleep and the things I was saying. But I was dreaming the whole time and it felt real. I felt like it was happing. I was in my dream. But you don't remember anything you said during your sleep, bc obviuosly your sleeping. But then I "woke up" and this is when I knew I started hilusinating bc I got up quick and it was all dark in my room. But a Yetie was purched up by my ceiling and it was like sitting on a shelf and it was ready to jump on me. So I started yelling "mom, mom, dad, dad!" Bc for some reason I thought I heard them banging cabinets shut. So i get up and open my door and the house is all dark and quiet. And you might not understand this next part but I didn't know where I was, even tho I knew I was in my house. I started running thru my house going "where am I, where is everyone, omg somebody help." I didn't know if I was still in my dreams or if I was in the real world. I'm being totally seriuos when I say I have never been as confused as I was wondering whether I was still in my dreams or not. I was so confused, I didn't know. So I go back in my room. Then I run out again, and mind you this everytime I get up I can't see b/c everything is blurred and fuzzy bc that's what the pill does to you. And it was dark and blury and i couldn't see. I musta ran outta my room about 5 times that night, running into stuff, and saying where am i, where is everyone, somebody help me, over and over again. It was actaully quite scary tho. Bc I thought I was stuck in a dream, well more like a nightmare at the time, even tho I was "awake". It was just confusing. I can't really understand everything that happened. It was really weird. I think I feel to sleep around 130 or 2. And got up at 430. Yes getting less then 3 hours of sleep and then going snowboarding all fucking day long, was, i donno, seemed like I wouldn't have been able to do anything. But amazingly, I woke up more ready to go then I have in a long time. Which kinda upset me. Let me explain this one... I know my sleeping problem effect alot of things and its really bad, but I never realized how bad it was till now. Keep in mind that a sleeping pill is suppose to reduse the quality of your sleep. Well sleeping under 3 hours with a sleeping pill, made me get more sleep than me sleeping 6, 8, and even 12 hours just being me. Doctors, concilors and i even I knew that when I sleep i don't rest. I could sleep for days and still wake up tired. But that just goes to show me how little rest I get. I get about an hour or 2 hours of actaully resting when I sleep, even if I sleep for 6 times that amount. Which, I think, should be impossible to live off of, but I guess that explains the way I feel all the time. Realizing this made me so frustrated. I just wanna cry. It's just not enough that I can't get to sleep, and even when I sleep I can't rest, but to find out that I only get about 1-2 hours of rest, when other people get like over 4 times that sucks. It's so frustrating bc I can't help. There's nothing I can do to change the way my mind works. To make it rest, to shut down my body. Obviuosly my pills aren't working, and he's going to have to put me on a larger perscription then he thought he would have to use. It's like no wonder I physically feel like I'm going to die when I'm awake. And I was telling me dad, and he can't even understand. He's like why don't you just sleep. I'm like, what the fuck? I can't fucking do anything about it, if I could I would. He's like doesn't your body just give up. I'm like yea I pass out all the time, but when i sleep i dont get into a deep enough sleep for my body to rest. I'm like how many fucking times have I told you that. How many fucking times do I have to explain this to you. I'm like Jesus Christ. I don't even know how to explain it, let alone come up with any ideas on how to make it better. Bc believe me, if I could, I would most deff. This is one of the hardest things I have to deal with. I just wish I could feel better. But he never understood, he was always stupid about it. Like he thinks its something I can just go thru and make better for some reason. Im the spring when my insomnia gets worse, I don't fall to sleep for days. It seems like forever. He would get mad at me for not going to school when i haven't slept. I wold be like i can't move, I'm exhusted. He would be like why don't you go to sleep. I was like I can't fall to sleep. He would be like well you have school, that your missing, so you better get up. I would be like what the fuck do you fucking want me to do about it. I don't ask for this. I don't keep my self up. My eyes burn, I'm so phyically exhusted, but i still couldn't fall to sleep. That's the most frustrating thing in the world. It would take me to get up, fall on the ground, walk into everything in my house, and seeing that I could hardly open my eyes, and not being able to even crawl to get around, let alone walk, to get that I couldn't go to school some mornings. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't get how serious it is. He doesn't get how frustrating it is for me, and how much I cry and wish I could be like everyone else. I know it's hard to understand how I feel and why this heppens to me. But I'm not lieing when i say I can't move, or open my eyes. People should have more trust in what I say. I went snowboarding all day, and still couldn't sleep that night. That to me seems impossible. It's so tiring snowboarding all day. Usually people go to ebd when they get home. They just pass out, until they get up the next morning. Some people don't come to school on monday after snowboarding the day before, just becuase they're really tired. And i still didn't sleep. And when I woke up this morning, I just thought i could never go to school, I could never make it thru the day. I never went to school feeling this tired. I usually stay home. But for some reason i still went, even tho I couldn't see striaight. Things all day were just moving and shaking and blury. I was just like a zombie walking around. I never thought I could make it thru the day. But I did. And the second I got home I passed on my bed. I don't rememeber even touching the bed. I just rememeber waking up. I don't remember putting my head on the pillow or pulling up the blankets. That brings me to now, wide awake. Having 8 hours of sleep in 3 days. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. It's interesting bc these past three days, I've been seeing stuff and things seem to move or shake. But I guess that's what sleep depravation does to you. When you get so tired, it doesn't even feel like your living. It just feels like, I donno, your just there, or part of a dream. It feels like you should wake up or something.
Now I either know there is a ghost or a curse on me. Things happen to me, accidnents happen, that are just impossible. Totally impossible. I had a black cloud hanging over my head since I was little. Things happens that just can't happen. So this impossible accident happened snowboarding. So I go off a jump, and landed it perfect. Best jump and the most air I think I even got. So then after I landed it I carved so I could go over to where jake and pat were sitting. So I carve and my board completely flys off. Unattached from me. flys up, and sends in the air, only to come down and fall on the side of my board. My right shin landed on the side of my board. Let me tell you that hurt so bad. I looked at it in the lodge quick but al I saw was all the skin was tore and stratched. But when I got home I realized why it hurt so fucking bad. It was all swollen, and it was all bumped up. I mean no a little part. But like the big ass part of my leg, blow my knew, was all swollen, bumped up, bruzed, and stratched up. It was disgusting. Now I don't know what this happened. My left leg is always attached to my board, all day. I only undo the right for when you go on the chairlift. It was tight, I was going off jumps and riding all day. So I get of the chair lift and hook my right leg in. Now many, bc of my new cinch bindings I didn't click my right back clicking cinch thing all the way up, so many when I landed going off the jump that fast it shocked down and the binding was now off and my right foot was lose so when i carved it came out. I could somehow understand how that could happen. But not both coming off. Not my board coming completely off. You know why thats impossible. First of all you dont come out of your bindings when they are on right, second when I got up and pat handed me my board my left back cinch clicker you click up to lock your foot in place, was STILL UP. The right was down, i already explained how that could have happened. But my left was still up. There is NO possible way my foot could have came out. PLus, heres the third thing...The leash was on my left foot, bc obveouisly it's the one that you never take off when you go on the chair lift. You have it attached to your binding and then to your boot, so if you somehow did come off from your board, your board wouldnt go down the hill. Well mine hooks to my boot. It's impossible for it just to come off. But like I said my board came off completely, Even the leash that was attached to me. How the fuck does that happen. How does the leash not even stay on. How in hell does the leash unleash itself. Yes, It's IMPOSSIBLE, impossible. I can't stress that enough, that what happened to me, can't happen. I never even heard of a baord coming off of somone, let alone everything too. Jake and Pat saw everything and then I looked up they were just baffled. The were so confused. They were like how does that happen, you should have seen their faces. I went thru the incedent and still dont understand. The look on all of our faces must have been priceless with the look of confusion. Now I said I never was more confused in my life with the whole i dont know if i'm in a dream thing..But this was more then confusion bc it physically can't happen. I can't even begin to explain what could have happened. I can't even begin. I will wonder for the rest of my life. Only me, and my bad luck.