(no subject)
So today seemed like a waste of a day. I got nothing acomplished that i wanted to do. I didn't go to school today, for the plain simple reason that when i woke up i couldn't move. I took the tylonal pm kinda late last night, so when i woke up i couldn't even move. I needed to fall to sleep to get enough rest to wake up and go to school, but it all backfired on me and i ended up not going anyway. All week i've extremely tired going to school, or not going to school. My sleeping was very off, and awful. Even with that any of those morning i could move. Today i just couldn't. Another side-effect from taking pills. I'm not even suppose to take them, which I forgot. Because from them i get rebound headaches. Well you my be wondering..do i not get any type of headache? yes, i don't get sex headaches. i think theyre mostly in men anyway. And i don't think I get cluster headaches, to what they can find. But rebound headaches are special, which my be why my head wasn't too bad today. You can get them from caffine in my case, and pills, but for me, you feel better the day before you get one, and then the next day your screwed 2 times over. Its like the calm before the storm, and then bam it hits you worse then before. I can have a headache and drink soda with caffine and it makes it feel all better. But then the next day your like "god fucking dammit, whyd i do that to myself" theyre lovely. My head seems to be out-of control lately. Theres not many 0's on my calendar the doctor told me to keep. In the last 7 days of school i miss exactly half. This week out of the five i was there 2 and a half. I missed volleyball sat. and yesterday. and we dont have it for 3 weeks. so that week its going to be bad. Today the accupunturist wasn't working. It'll prolly take a few times to get back in it tho. Plus the whole MRI thing is nerve racking. I didn't think it was a big deal. I was going to it, and i was fine, but as soon as i stepped into that building i got nervouse. The the tube was uncomfortable, the thing around your head, being cold. being there made me more nervous. I don't like the whole concept of what they're trying to find. And i didn't think it bothered me until other peoeple said it. I mean i would think about it, but it never clicked. There looking for something seriously wrong with me. There checking for tumors, they're checking for something that could destroy my life forever, for something that could kill me. I don't like the fact that thats what theyre looking for, it bothers me. I don't see why it should, bc there is little to no chance of something actually being there. But since the other ones were blacked out, i guess its always been in the back of my mind, what if? and now i'll finally get to know. and until i know 100% that i'm ok, i am going to be a bit frightened. But i started reading that little headache book the doctor gave me, to better understand headaches. I finally realized the significance my "problem" had on my life. Ever tho they prolly wont find anything wrong with me, that they can see, there is still a problem. Reading about what i have, and doing those sheets at the doctors, put into view how this has changed my life. how how i give away and how much it had effected me. I surpass numbers on the sheets by 10's of numbers. When having a serve case on the paper is 29 or a little more and your number is a 75, you have to wonder how serious this is. Reading about what I have..i don't like to. I never liked hearing the facts. I always thought i would one day wake up magically better, now i realized i never will. There is no cure, and the book actaully says it'll get worse as you get older. Bc of the fact your taking pain medication all the time, that your body's pain mechanism doesn't work right, and you can't get any realife without pills. Then bc you took them for so many years, you start to get immune to alot of them. I mean I take a 5-500mg dose of hydrocodone, and the next step up from that is now oxycotton. How many years is it going to be, for me to be that back, to start taking something as serious as that. My mom asks the doctors about it, and none shes talked to ever perscribed it, they don't know hardly anything about it. They stir clear away from it bc of people tend to get addicted to it. People get addicted on hydroco. tho, but i dont think i am. I do take it a couple times a week, but i'm not addicted. Its not like i take it every day 4 times a day. I take it once every few days. But i need it, and i couldn't live without it. Som in some ways, yes, i am addicted to it. I mean if i didn't have it i dont know what i'd do. That's just the ways things are. Half the time I don't know why I wake up in the morning. Why i wake up to suffer, really thats what some days are. To other people, they might feel bad, but i brush it off of them like don't worry i'm ok, its nothing. I don't want people to feel bad for me, and i shouldnt make other people feel bad. I don't think anyone I know knows the extent to how i actaully feel. The long nights and hard days behide it all, and what i go thru. I usually don't say much about it. I'm very quiet with how i'm feeling. just some days are hard to get by. it's been like that lately. alot of long classes during the day, and long days after another. As of right now it seems like there will be many more to come.