::sniffle::
well, tonight was eventfull. i serriously think i upset my best friend who i have NEVER fought with tonight. i dont want to say what happend but i did something i shouldnt have. in a way, i disrespected her for a guy. i didnt think about that while i did what i did, but in the end, thats what happend. i feel like such a bitch. i love her to death! she has stood by me through everything and i really appreciate her for that. i mean this guy was NOTHING compared to her. i love her so much that just the thought of her being upset like she was made me go completely numb. at one point she walked away from me and i just sat down where i was standing and hugged my knees. i felt like crap. i felt like i was her old best friend who did something to her. what i was not as bad but in the end it all comes down to the same thing; respect. i just hate myself for it right now. i really do. i know she's upset right now and its killing me. im not crying or anything b/c i just cant. i cant cry over things that matter. its like im emotionaly un-attatched. it kinda sucks. i want to cry so bad about this because then i know be able to express the guilt that i feel right now. at this moment i cant think of any way to show it. i love her, i really do. right now i have a knot in my stomach so tight and a feeling in the back of my throat like im going to cry. i wish something could just make these stupid tears fall. i really do. crying helps. some people say its pointless but its really not. tonight, i WANT to cry.