Loss
Everything lately seems to be about loss. I'm in a dark and drained space today. Maybe if I try to put a few words down "on paper" I can clear my head.
A week ago, a young man, who works for my husband's company and on one of his projects, was killed on the job. It was a heartbreaking and tragic accident. He was on a job site in Peru, sampling soil in a test trench, when the wall collapsed. The other young man working with him, who did everything he could to save his work mate, got out alive. The entire office is still in shock. My husband and his business partner had to be the ones to deliver the tragic news to the young man's mother. You cannot even imagine how painful this was for both of them. When they came home, they looked like men returning from a war zone, stunned and stricken. The funeral was last weekend. The church, which was huge, was filled to standing-room-only capacity. These people are loved. This young man's family is the kind of family most of us only wish we could have: loving, close, warm, caring, generous in spirit, open-minded, intelligent, wonderful people. The father, who teaches at an international school in Korea, managed to speak for about a half hour, sharing warm and wonderful memories of time spent with his son. This young man, who lived life at full throttle every second he walked on earth, touched so many lives. He leaves behind many, many friends who will never forget him, and many more who wish they'd had the chance to know him better.
The day after the funeral, my husband and I went over to a friend's house to help her pack to move to Colorado. She's been unhappy with her life in Tucson for years. Hates the heat, the town, her job...you name it, she just wanted out of here. She was laid off recently from a long-term job at the University (budget cuts, lots of lay-offs), which was the last thing holding her to Tucson. The layoff just boosted her plans to move into high gear. She and a long-time boyfriend had made the decision to up their level of commitment a notch, so the move to CO was about her joining her life more formally to his. He was in the process of negotiating to buy a wonderful house for them to share: two stories on five acres in a rural community. Her dream come true. This woman just hasn't had a break for the past few years, and it was wonderful to see her finally hopeful about the future and happy. She was supposed to be loading a rental truck this week, and should have been on her way this Friday. Well, just a few days ago we got word that her boyfriend had died in an accident. That's what I said. Died. Evidently his truck careened off a mountain road and he was killed. We -- her friends -- are still trying to absorb the news. Everyone is in shock and heartbroken for her. I know life isn't fair. I know that people like to say that everything happens for a reason, but there is no master plan at work here. This was just a hellacious, nonsensical, chilling, horrible turn of events. Right now we don't even know how to help her get through this, but we will all do everything we possibly can to be there for her. Sometimes, life just sucks.
I visited my mother yesterday. She lives in an adult care home in Phoenix. During this visit it really hit me that my mother is truly slipping away. I can sense that she has given up. Can't really talk about what I am feeling... just quietly sad.
I know nothing stays static. Life is constantly in flux. I know that intellectually, but I am having a hard time grasping it emotionally. All of my long-time friends have left Tucson. The woman who was to move to CO (and she still might) was the last person left here that I have known for any length of time ( 20 years ). People have died, moved, dropped out of sight, or had to be dropped after unforgivable betrayals of trust. Sometimes I wonder what I am mourning: my lost faith in unconditional friendships; the surety of my belief that I would grow old surrounded by old and dear friends; the myth that if you work hard enough and strive to 'do the right thing' life will reward you; the belief that everything happens for a reason? I have lost people, lost faith IN people, lost some of my optimism, and seem to be losing my ability to see the silver lining. I'm trying though.. . I'm still trying. The one piece of philosophy that has pulled me through many events in my life is Desiderata. I still want to believe that the universe is unfolding as it should. Today, though, I am struggling with that one, seriously struggling.
A week ago, a young man, who works for my husband's company and on one of his projects, was killed on the job. It was a heartbreaking and tragic accident. He was on a job site in Peru, sampling soil in a test trench, when the wall collapsed. The other young man working with him, who did everything he could to save his work mate, got out alive. The entire office is still in shock. My husband and his business partner had to be the ones to deliver the tragic news to the young man's mother. You cannot even imagine how painful this was for both of them. When they came home, they looked like men returning from a war zone, stunned and stricken. The funeral was last weekend. The church, which was huge, was filled to standing-room-only capacity. These people are loved. This young man's family is the kind of family most of us only wish we could have: loving, close, warm, caring, generous in spirit, open-minded, intelligent, wonderful people. The father, who teaches at an international school in Korea, managed to speak for about a half hour, sharing warm and wonderful memories of time spent with his son. This young man, who lived life at full throttle every second he walked on earth, touched so many lives. He leaves behind many, many friends who will never forget him, and many more who wish they'd had the chance to know him better.
The day after the funeral, my husband and I went over to a friend's house to help her pack to move to Colorado. She's been unhappy with her life in Tucson for years. Hates the heat, the town, her job...you name it, she just wanted out of here. She was laid off recently from a long-term job at the University (budget cuts, lots of lay-offs), which was the last thing holding her to Tucson. The layoff just boosted her plans to move into high gear. She and a long-time boyfriend had made the decision to up their level of commitment a notch, so the move to CO was about her joining her life more formally to his. He was in the process of negotiating to buy a wonderful house for them to share: two stories on five acres in a rural community. Her dream come true. This woman just hasn't had a break for the past few years, and it was wonderful to see her finally hopeful about the future and happy. She was supposed to be loading a rental truck this week, and should have been on her way this Friday. Well, just a few days ago we got word that her boyfriend had died in an accident. That's what I said. Died. Evidently his truck careened off a mountain road and he was killed. We -- her friends -- are still trying to absorb the news. Everyone is in shock and heartbroken for her. I know life isn't fair. I know that people like to say that everything happens for a reason, but there is no master plan at work here. This was just a hellacious, nonsensical, chilling, horrible turn of events. Right now we don't even know how to help her get through this, but we will all do everything we possibly can to be there for her. Sometimes, life just sucks.
I visited my mother yesterday. She lives in an adult care home in Phoenix. During this visit it really hit me that my mother is truly slipping away. I can sense that she has given up. Can't really talk about what I am feeling... just quietly sad.
I know nothing stays static. Life is constantly in flux. I know that intellectually, but I am having a hard time grasping it emotionally. All of my long-time friends have left Tucson. The woman who was to move to CO (and she still might) was the last person left here that I have known for any length of time ( 20 years ). People have died, moved, dropped out of sight, or had to be dropped after unforgivable betrayals of trust. Sometimes I wonder what I am mourning: my lost faith in unconditional friendships; the surety of my belief that I would grow old surrounded by old and dear friends; the myth that if you work hard enough and strive to 'do the right thing' life will reward you; the belief that everything happens for a reason? I have lost people, lost faith IN people, lost some of my optimism, and seem to be losing my ability to see the silver lining. I'm trying though.. . I'm still trying. The one piece of philosophy that has pulled me through many events in my life is Desiderata. I still want to believe that the universe is unfolding as it should. Today, though, I am struggling with that one, seriously struggling.