lazy saturdays. pass like summer.
its funny, all my life ive never dreamed of anything. anything except writing. i used to write feriouscly. never spelling a word correctly, but filling page after page. i always used to stop myself short. scared of running out of journal pages. but the truth was, i rarely finsihed a journal before buying a new one. and rushing through the old with useless prose and worn out rhyemes.
in everything, i try to outwrite myself and others. using fifty cent words, akward ponctuation. i once prided myself into getting into english at governor's school east. especially when we were told that the best english students get in there. but was it just a line? probably. thats my whole life, just a line.
my father used to say that writing would be a key to my sucess. yet, he never read a word. sauf generation next articles which were terribly stained with red ink before making to print.
but i realize, ill never be anything.
ill never go to an ivy leauge school, or write for the new york times, all these dreams ive dreamed since a little girl.
i recently saw the movie capote. and it literally changed my prespective, on almost everything i thought about the subject of writing.
in the movie, harper lee, best friend since childhood of capote is featured. and its funny. ive admired her so much. and yet, after reading to kill a mockingbird i didnt do what i usually do. usually i will find everything i can about the author. because i want insight on their genious. with mockingbird and lee, i never did this. i didnt even have an inkling of what she looked like, because her book was all of her biography i needed. and she never published another. but it didnt matter. it fufilled me. just the book. this never happens. i want that effect. an effect ill never have.
i have a friend, who just picked up and moved to new york. and now shes studying voice with some of the best at juliard and chatting it up with broadway stars. although i have talent (or at least a tad) ill never live her life.
i guess ive just realized that my life has always been that, just a line.
people call me independant, and daring. truthfully, im not. im a scared little girl, nervous of the wind who does very bad things to masque her nervousness for five minutes, only to repeat it in thirty.
i never put myself out there. never had a realtionship. because i was scared. because i thought it made me different. and i thoiught that my difference would make me intresting. another line i told myself that didnt work out for me.
here, in strasbourg, i go through everyday with feeling. except for mostly incoherent emails i send people when my absolute need for attachment is painstakingly obvious.
i think the 6 hours of philopsophie a week is actually getting to me.
(and no mr. i tunes shuffle you obviously do not know me as much as you say you do, im not in the mood for "rocking the suburbs" now play me something i can think to)
i go through everyday superficially. with superficial friends. and a superficial family. ive never been good at the superficial. thats why only, maybe, three people will read this.
there are a million people just like me. a million people who smoke the same ciggeretes, breath the same air, have the same type friends, and listen to the same music.
coming to strasbourg has taught me that everyone is the same. there are maybe 6 archetypes of the same type of people.
damn plato, i should have listened to you earlier.
in everything, i try to outwrite myself and others. using fifty cent words, akward ponctuation. i once prided myself into getting into english at governor's school east. especially when we were told that the best english students get in there. but was it just a line? probably. thats my whole life, just a line.
my father used to say that writing would be a key to my sucess. yet, he never read a word. sauf generation next articles which were terribly stained with red ink before making to print.
but i realize, ill never be anything.
ill never go to an ivy leauge school, or write for the new york times, all these dreams ive dreamed since a little girl.
i recently saw the movie capote. and it literally changed my prespective, on almost everything i thought about the subject of writing.
in the movie, harper lee, best friend since childhood of capote is featured. and its funny. ive admired her so much. and yet, after reading to kill a mockingbird i didnt do what i usually do. usually i will find everything i can about the author. because i want insight on their genious. with mockingbird and lee, i never did this. i didnt even have an inkling of what she looked like, because her book was all of her biography i needed. and she never published another. but it didnt matter. it fufilled me. just the book. this never happens. i want that effect. an effect ill never have.
i have a friend, who just picked up and moved to new york. and now shes studying voice with some of the best at juliard and chatting it up with broadway stars. although i have talent (or at least a tad) ill never live her life.
i guess ive just realized that my life has always been that, just a line.
people call me independant, and daring. truthfully, im not. im a scared little girl, nervous of the wind who does very bad things to masque her nervousness for five minutes, only to repeat it in thirty.
i never put myself out there. never had a realtionship. because i was scared. because i thought it made me different. and i thoiught that my difference would make me intresting. another line i told myself that didnt work out for me.
here, in strasbourg, i go through everyday with feeling. except for mostly incoherent emails i send people when my absolute need for attachment is painstakingly obvious.
i think the 6 hours of philopsophie a week is actually getting to me.
(and no mr. i tunes shuffle you obviously do not know me as much as you say you do, im not in the mood for "rocking the suburbs" now play me something i can think to)
i go through everyday superficially. with superficial friends. and a superficial family. ive never been good at the superficial. thats why only, maybe, three people will read this.
there are a million people just like me. a million people who smoke the same ciggeretes, breath the same air, have the same type friends, and listen to the same music.
coming to strasbourg has taught me that everyone is the same. there are maybe 6 archetypes of the same type of people.
damn plato, i should have listened to you earlier.