"youre not who you recall anymore..."

[lynds125]

its been over a year since I last wrote in this journal. i am now a college student at the college of the holy cross in worcester, ma. ive been through some major shitty times, and ive changed whether ive wanted to or not, and theres not much i can do to change that. there is something wrong with me since coming to this place. my self-confidence sucks, and i sink into these moments were my insides hurt so bad its almost numb, and i dont know why. its like back in junior year of highschool, only possibly worse. im not cutting again, but its crossed my mind again. i doubt my boyfriend in everything he does bc i feel like ill never be good enough for him. which i had felt last year to a certain degree bc he used to talk about this girl from france he used to like...but now...i mean, we both want this to work or else we wouldnt have tried to do the long distance thing. and yet, im paraniod of him with other girls bc i know i cant measure up. and every day i sink deeper and drift farther away from the person i used to be. i dont know whats wrong with me, but i think i might be legit depressed...manic depression maybe? it comes out of no where usually after ive had a pretty decent week. its like the dust that settles after ive stirred things up a bit. and it kills and suffocates any semblance of who i am or used to be. i am in love with him, but i dont know how much more of this i can take. these swings...they alienate me. im pushing him away and i cant stop.

i love the snow...it makes everything seem like if i hold on it might be ok. snow at night...its beautiful. so cold.