(no subject)
things have been odd lately.
quick 2 day recap on what i remember most.
an amazing monday night after practice. game last night, we won, played like a team for the first time, and i scored 4 goals and was in the paper. take that meggie. too bad my name was spelled "boekenmimp" sigh. received all american swimming award. back to weekend...won ribbon at wp art fest with cait.
that would be the good. in between, there has transposed numerous fights at home, loads of awkward moments, starting last night elaine had to be a major asshole and ask nick and i where we were going to college. sure, it was fine at first. but then she had to be like, "so, are you guys going to the same college?" (answer: no, obviously), reply: "so what, its over after highschool?" (answer: um, we hadnt actually talked about that yet) i dont know if anyone can relate, but i dont think anything anyone has ever said to me in highschool has ever hurt quite as much as that snide comment elaine said. it was like a slap to my face. i knew when we started going out that it would take something crazy to make it really work. my mom was always the one saying how it wasnt a good idea, id be leaving soon, senior year, blah blah. but i was the one who fought back. why should i make excuses as to why i could not let myself be happy? why should anyone for that matter? eversince last night, nick has been different. and i hate elaine for it. you kno, i didnt plan to ignore the fact forever, but its not fair. as petty as that sounds, i feel like in one instant, the grounds been ripped from underneath me. the whole reason our relationship works, is bc we are friends above all else, because its comfortable and easy, for lack of a better word. now my thoughts have been strewn in a million different directions. i felt all day today like i needed to do something, anything, any type of expression. art didnt cut it, i read for 2 hours at the keatings, and contemplated things in front of her large fish tank, letting it all slip away for the time being into bubbles, and fluid lines. practice was for venting on the water. water doesnt fight back. it moves with you, feels your pain, sooths your wounds. but i couldnt stand it. i left early on some bs excuse, and drove home listening to the garden state soundtrack. the shins make me think. coldplay makes me less tense. but iron and wine's rendition of "such great hieghts" sent me through the roof crying. instantaneously. it was like a movie reel playingin my head on warp speed. flashes of nicks face last night, of maudes dead body on the cold metal table, of my moms eyes when she snapped last night, of my dads face when he screams, of friends i never talk to anymore, of friends ive known forever that i love deeply but will be gone soon, of past highschool years, and the things ive been through, of depression, of cuts, of running, of having my heart wrenched, of people dying, of my uncle dan and aunt josie who i will never see again, of a comfort zone being demolished. and i just cryed hysteically the whole way home. things are shifting again. i can sense it. i feel like i am on an edge. that i havent been alone enough these days, that i need to be alone to find out who i am. richard made a comment to me today that made me think. i remarked on the way to practice that i wasnt myself today, and he said, how do u know who you are? youll never completely know.
im just a mess. im in a lot of pain...on the inside. i forgot for a while how it felt. its raw and not quite fresh. it makes me want to rip at my face or go running at warp speed bc i have some demon inside of me i cant let go of. i hate it.
i feel like i need to talk to nick, but that he wont understand. i feel like i am slipping again and i need to control it. a few more months. dont fall now.
quick 2 day recap on what i remember most.
an amazing monday night after practice. game last night, we won, played like a team for the first time, and i scored 4 goals and was in the paper. take that meggie. too bad my name was spelled "boekenmimp" sigh. received all american swimming award. back to weekend...won ribbon at wp art fest with cait.
that would be the good. in between, there has transposed numerous fights at home, loads of awkward moments, starting last night elaine had to be a major asshole and ask nick and i where we were going to college. sure, it was fine at first. but then she had to be like, "so, are you guys going to the same college?" (answer: no, obviously), reply: "so what, its over after highschool?" (answer: um, we hadnt actually talked about that yet) i dont know if anyone can relate, but i dont think anything anyone has ever said to me in highschool has ever hurt quite as much as that snide comment elaine said. it was like a slap to my face. i knew when we started going out that it would take something crazy to make it really work. my mom was always the one saying how it wasnt a good idea, id be leaving soon, senior year, blah blah. but i was the one who fought back. why should i make excuses as to why i could not let myself be happy? why should anyone for that matter? eversince last night, nick has been different. and i hate elaine for it. you kno, i didnt plan to ignore the fact forever, but its not fair. as petty as that sounds, i feel like in one instant, the grounds been ripped from underneath me. the whole reason our relationship works, is bc we are friends above all else, because its comfortable and easy, for lack of a better word. now my thoughts have been strewn in a million different directions. i felt all day today like i needed to do something, anything, any type of expression. art didnt cut it, i read for 2 hours at the keatings, and contemplated things in front of her large fish tank, letting it all slip away for the time being into bubbles, and fluid lines. practice was for venting on the water. water doesnt fight back. it moves with you, feels your pain, sooths your wounds. but i couldnt stand it. i left early on some bs excuse, and drove home listening to the garden state soundtrack. the shins make me think. coldplay makes me less tense. but iron and wine's rendition of "such great hieghts" sent me through the roof crying. instantaneously. it was like a movie reel playingin my head on warp speed. flashes of nicks face last night, of maudes dead body on the cold metal table, of my moms eyes when she snapped last night, of my dads face when he screams, of friends i never talk to anymore, of friends ive known forever that i love deeply but will be gone soon, of past highschool years, and the things ive been through, of depression, of cuts, of running, of having my heart wrenched, of people dying, of my uncle dan and aunt josie who i will never see again, of a comfort zone being demolished. and i just cryed hysteically the whole way home. things are shifting again. i can sense it. i feel like i am on an edge. that i havent been alone enough these days, that i need to be alone to find out who i am. richard made a comment to me today that made me think. i remarked on the way to practice that i wasnt myself today, and he said, how do u know who you are? youll never completely know.
im just a mess. im in a lot of pain...on the inside. i forgot for a while how it felt. its raw and not quite fresh. it makes me want to rip at my face or go running at warp speed bc i have some demon inside of me i cant let go of. i hate it.
i feel like i need to talk to nick, but that he wont understand. i feel like i am slipping again and i need to control it. a few more months. dont fall now.