Heavy heart
Watching [insert guilty pleasure here] all day is not a good thing. It made me think about relationships and all that garblygook. Not good, not good. On the plus side I managed to survive V-day. I know this post is sort of late but what the hell; it's my space to write in or not to write in.
V-day never used to bug me in the past but this year was different. I think it was because I remember exactly what I was doing last year at that time and how happy I made someone. This year I'm not bringing that joy to some ones heart and that hurts. My co-worker was all shocked when I told her my plans for the evening which included going to the gym, then home. So I went to the gym, then I headed home and a friend of mine dropped by and hung out. She had a drawing assignment due the next day so she sat and drew and watched Casablanca with me and ate double chocolate fudge ice cream. Watching Casablanca every year around this time is sort of a silly tradition I do. I can be such a girl sometimes but what the hell, it's what I like to do and having company definitely helped me get through the day.
Yesterday I bought myself a djembe and I'm quite excited about it. Friday I spent two hours or so testing out all the drums and trying to pick the one that's best for me. Every drum is different and the women in the store said that you don't pick the drum but it picks you. It's like finding your animal; they have a life to them. It reminded me of Harry Potter and when they have to pick out wands. I narrowed it down to two drums, both with a unique sound to them and I couldn't decide. So I put them on hold and I went back the next day and was able to make a decision. I'm quite happy with my choice now. I felt a connection with both drums (I know that sounds kind of sappy) and I feel the one I didn’t choose was like the second half. It felt female, like I chose the male and the other drum would be the female companion to the journey. Right now though my trip is solo while I figure what the fuck I'm doing.
My heart is heavy, I want so much, and I want to do so much. I know though that I'm doing what I need to right now, things take time and I know I'm on the right track. It's hard work to make what you want out of yourself. Through all the trials and tribulations I've gone through thus far I've learned some things about myself which helps me to know that I'll be fine regardless of what happens. I'm one hell of a hard worker and I don't give up once I commit myself to something.
When you know how it feels to love and be loved in return, when that feeling is gone, sometimes it feels like there is a void which needs filling. I miss that connection but having a significant other, to me, doesn't mean they are filling a hole in your life, but rather complimenting your already complete life. They are the icing on the cake and I don't want to put the icing on a single layer cake with a piece missing. No matter how tempting that icing is, I must refrain from wanting to place it on my unfinished cake and waiting until the cake is tasty even without the icing.
A lot of things are in the works in my life and I'm a little anxious and scared about how things will turn out in five to six months from now, but like I said. I'm a survivor and I'll deal. Here's hoping the weight on my chest will lift soon. Let’s hope the cake rises without complications; I know I have the right ingredients. Now it’s time to bake for six months or however long it takes and see if the cake will rise.
V-day never used to bug me in the past but this year was different. I think it was because I remember exactly what I was doing last year at that time and how happy I made someone. This year I'm not bringing that joy to some ones heart and that hurts. My co-worker was all shocked when I told her my plans for the evening which included going to the gym, then home. So I went to the gym, then I headed home and a friend of mine dropped by and hung out. She had a drawing assignment due the next day so she sat and drew and watched Casablanca with me and ate double chocolate fudge ice cream. Watching Casablanca every year around this time is sort of a silly tradition I do. I can be such a girl sometimes but what the hell, it's what I like to do and having company definitely helped me get through the day.
Yesterday I bought myself a djembe and I'm quite excited about it. Friday I spent two hours or so testing out all the drums and trying to pick the one that's best for me. Every drum is different and the women in the store said that you don't pick the drum but it picks you. It's like finding your animal; they have a life to them. It reminded me of Harry Potter and when they have to pick out wands. I narrowed it down to two drums, both with a unique sound to them and I couldn't decide. So I put them on hold and I went back the next day and was able to make a decision. I'm quite happy with my choice now. I felt a connection with both drums (I know that sounds kind of sappy) and I feel the one I didn’t choose was like the second half. It felt female, like I chose the male and the other drum would be the female companion to the journey. Right now though my trip is solo while I figure what the fuck I'm doing.
My heart is heavy, I want so much, and I want to do so much. I know though that I'm doing what I need to right now, things take time and I know I'm on the right track. It's hard work to make what you want out of yourself. Through all the trials and tribulations I've gone through thus far I've learned some things about myself which helps me to know that I'll be fine regardless of what happens. I'm one hell of a hard worker and I don't give up once I commit myself to something.
When you know how it feels to love and be loved in return, when that feeling is gone, sometimes it feels like there is a void which needs filling. I miss that connection but having a significant other, to me, doesn't mean they are filling a hole in your life, but rather complimenting your already complete life. They are the icing on the cake and I don't want to put the icing on a single layer cake with a piece missing. No matter how tempting that icing is, I must refrain from wanting to place it on my unfinished cake and waiting until the cake is tasty even without the icing.
A lot of things are in the works in my life and I'm a little anxious and scared about how things will turn out in five to six months from now, but like I said. I'm a survivor and I'll deal. Here's hoping the weight on my chest will lift soon. Let’s hope the cake rises without complications; I know I have the right ingredients. Now it’s time to bake for six months or however long it takes and see if the cake will rise.