paraSeven. At least I still have you
Author's note: The parts in italic at the beginning of each paragraph are lyrics from Super Junior M's "At least I still have you" You can find full translation here
For theclockiswrong because today is her birthday. And for yukwol because she keeps mourning over the lack of KyuWook fics LOL. Also, for ryeouknim, I hope this can make you feel better even just a lil bit (although it's angst LOL)
1.
“It's not easy for us
We can't help it
I'm afraid time will pass too quickly
Not enough time to see your face clearly enough”
Ryeowook wakes up to the brilliant sunlight of an autumn morning, for a moment dazed by the unfamiliar window view: white sand and blue sky and blue sea he doesn’t recall seeing before.
He takes a glance around the room that is definitely not his. The wall is white, curtains are white, the sheet he’s lying upon is white, the blanket draped over him is white. So cold and foreign it scares him, and Ryeowook tries to shut his eyes thinking this is just a dream.
“Is everything okay, love? Are you hurt?”
He however knows this voice all too well, warm as tropical sunshine and smooth as velvet; he loves it and its owner too much it hurts. It hurts because his mind tells him he should let Kyuhyun go but his heart does not allow him.
Why does it not though, while it’s too weak to take any pressure, much less something as tiring as love? While it is the reason why Ryeowook is staying here?
He remembers now; how he eavesdropped on Kyuhyun asking his doctor about his condition and the man in white blouse simply shook his head with a sigh; how Kyuhyun then dropped on his knees, his back faced Ryeowook but the way his shoulders shivered said it all, he was crying.
And Ryeowook, poor Ryeowook, didn’t even shed a tear.
Kyuhyun’s now towering him, smiling as Ryeowook shakes his head in a wordless “No, I’m fine”, yet the smile looks anything but blissful.
Ryeowook’s heart aches.
2.
“For you I am willing
I have to watch you even if I can't move
Until I feel that your hairline
Have hints of snow white color”
Kyuhyun’s singing it to him that song they sang together during their Chinese class’ gathering at a karaoke box, when Ryeowook was surprised by how good Kyuhyun was at singing (and everything for that matter, he had always admired this lanky guy who sat right behind him in the class). Ryeowook smiled shyly at him when they finished, held out a hand for Kyuhyun to shake and joked about how they should do more duets in the future; only to feel Kyuhyun’s hold tighten, his eyes behind the black rimmed glass glowered and his lips parted in the most dazzling smile ever, “Sure we should.”
“Will I ever be able to see your hairline having hints of snow white color?” Ryeowook murmurs to Kyuhyun’s chest as the other carries him to his bed, voice so soft but it pierces through Kyuhyun’s heart. A light peck is placed on Ryeowook’s forehead as his back meets the white mattress, “Don’t be silly, I’ll be with you until my hair so white and skin so wrinkled that you’re tired of the ugly me and kick me out.”
He tries to make his tone light and perky, and is relieved that Ryeowook’s smiling, though weakly, upon replying. “You’ll still be the most handsome man in this world even if your hair is white and face wrinkled. And I’ll never kick you out; unless you want to be kicked that is.”
If only I would ever have the chance to ruffle your white hair and kiss your wrinkled face, if only…
3.
“If I can give up the whole world
At least there is still you for me to treasure
And you are here
That is the miracle of life”
In his sleep, Ryeowook’s expression is the most serene, the most peaceful, and Kyuhyun treasures every minute he can still watch Ryeowook when the furrow between his brows when he’s in pain eases to nothingness, the sorrowful look in his eyes is hidden behind those lids framed with thick lashes.
Kyuhyun chose this room because from its window Ryeowook can see the sea at its most beautiful when the sun rises. Ryeowook loves the sight of dawn breaking; so if Kyuhyun can do nothing to make him stay longer in this world at least he can make Ryeowook’s last days better waking up to something he loves.
Everything he does, he does it for Ryeowook. Because Kyuhyun himself hates to see dawn approaching. It means he has one less day with Ryeowook beside him, breathing and smiling and saying good morning, love, just the thought of never seeing that again is too painful and Kyuhyun does not know what it would be like when he has to face the reality.
Kyuhyun would give up the whole world if it was of any help but he cannot so instead, he thinks of Ryeowook’s being as a miracle of life, the one and only chance fortune’s given Kyuhyun to show Ryeowook how much he loves him, how happy Ryeowook’s smile make him.
The pain of losing Ryeowook is for himself to endure alone, later.
4.
“I'm afraid there won't be enough time,
I want to hold you
Until I feel your wrinkles
Have signs of aging”
Kyuhyun never forgets the first time he saw Ryeowook’s bare back in the morning after one of the most memorable days in his life, right next to his, skin smooth and warm, some bruises here and there reminded him of what had happened which made his cheeks flush in shyness and in bliss.
He’s facing Ryeowook’s bare back again, scrubbing it while Ryeowook’s playing with the hot water in the bath tub, Kyuhyun’s heart sinks when he notice that his skin is paler and the ribs are more prominent every day. He would still kiss it if allowed because he loves Ryeowook and his everything no less than before, it just…
hurts.
Ryeowook barely makes it pass the bathroom so Kyuhyun helps him stand with one hand gripping on the rim of the sink and another on his shoulder while he’s drying him off, as gently and carefully as possible, then wraps him in the towel and carries him to bed to get dressed. At first Ryeowook protested to this and insisted on doing it himself, but Kyuhyun won the battle of who’s more stubborn anyway. Ryeowook doesn’t have so much in him to fight now so he simply gives in; he knows Kyuhyun’s doing all of this not because he’s pitying Ryeowook, but because he loves him.
There is never enough time, and he’s running out of it. Isn’t it better to just hold on to the one he loves when he still has time?
5.
“Maybe I can forget the whole world
But I won't be willing to lose news about you
The mole on your palm
I always remember it is there”
Ryeowook takes hold of Kyuhyun’s hand which is gently brushing on his hair, “Stop playing with my hair.”
Kyuhyun smiles at him softly, “You’ve always loved it when I do that.”
“I still do”, Ryeowook smiles back. But I do not want anything to block my view of you, even if it’s your hand. He brings Kyuhyun’s hand to his lips and kiss it lightly with his eyes close, caving into his mind the feel of the skin on his lips, the image of that mole on the palm. He feels Kyuhyun’s muscles tense up and opens his eyes to meet Kyuhyun’s gaze before smiling again. “What’s up, love?”
“Nothing.” Kyuhyun murmurs, though the sadness in his eyes and voice cannot be hidden. Ryeowook looks at him, hands reaching to cup his face between them, trying to memorize the curve of his brows, the rim under those brown eyes, the pimples that make Kyuhyun no less beautiful to Ryeowook...
Everything.
He could forget the whole world, but these things would linger in his mind until the day his heart stops beating. Or, they would haunt him even when he’s become a spirit without a body, because he loves them too much.
He loves him too much.
6.
“I'm afraid time will pass too slowly
Always worried that I'll lose you
Rather have white hair overnight
That way we'll never part”
Kyuhyun’s been either wide awake or half asleep these days as Ryeowook more frequently winces in pain even in his slumber, sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night sweating all over and then collapses on his bed and Kyuhyun almost screams at the doctor to find a way to fix it, to at least let Ryeowook sleep in peace.
Time passes too slowly when he’s watching the doctor discuss about Ryeowook’s condition, and passes too quickly after Kyuhyun is informed about how much time is left for his beloved. He’s growing afraid of the dawn now, afraid that he might wake up seeing Ryeowook’s lifeless form with his very eyes and can do nothing about it.
Once or twice he looks at his reflection in the mirror of the bathroom thinking he himself resembles a patient as well, black rims so conspicuous under his eyes and skin as pale as a vampire, if that creature does exist. Perhaps one day he might see himself with white hair from all the stress that he’s going through, Kyuhyun doesn’t know.
One thing though, the end of this means only one thing he does not want to face. At all.
7.
“Until my eyesight becomes blurry
Until I cannot breathe
Let us never part”
They’re sitting on the beach watching the sunrise because Ryeowook cannot go back to sleep after he woke up from a nightmare; Kyuhyun’s arm keeps hold of Ryeowook firmly as the other leans against him, head on his shoulder. Ryeowook’s breathing is getting weak, but his mind is at ease. “Don’t forget me after I’m gone okay, love? But do not cry over my death for too long. Live your life… find someone you love…”
Kyuhyun tries to keep his voice from shaking. “Don’t say such things, you’re going to live…”
“Until I die, yes.” Ryeowook smiles. “So Kyuhyun, do me a favor.”
“Anything.”
“Kiss me.”, he demands. Kyuhyun hesitates for a second considering whether it would do anything harm, but obeys anyway as Ryeowook’s pulling at his sleeve. Their lips meet, slowly and without desire; Kyuhyun’s hand soon finds its home in Ryeowook’s soft hair and hold him, but Ryeowook’s arm is too weak to do the same so he grips at the hem of Kyuhyun’s shirt instead.
Soon enough Ryeowook has to let go, much as he wants this to last forever, because it’s getting harder to breathe. His cheeks are wet, though his eyes dry. He leans against Kyuhyun’s shoulder again. “Don’t cry, love.”
Kyuhyun who has been holding these tears back because he doesn’t want to make Ryeowook any sadder cannot bother now as he feels that time’s approaching closer than ever. “I love you, I will always do. Until my last breath.”
“I, too, will always love you.”, he murmurs. Even when I cannot breathe.
For theclockiswrong because today is her birthday. And for yukwol because she keeps mourning over the lack of KyuWook fics LOL. Also, for ryeouknim, I hope this can make you feel better even just a lil bit (although it's angst LOL)
1.
“It's not easy for us
We can't help it
I'm afraid time will pass too quickly
Not enough time to see your face clearly enough”
Ryeowook wakes up to the brilliant sunlight of an autumn morning, for a moment dazed by the unfamiliar window view: white sand and blue sky and blue sea he doesn’t recall seeing before.
He takes a glance around the room that is definitely not his. The wall is white, curtains are white, the sheet he’s lying upon is white, the blanket draped over him is white. So cold and foreign it scares him, and Ryeowook tries to shut his eyes thinking this is just a dream.
“Is everything okay, love? Are you hurt?”
He however knows this voice all too well, warm as tropical sunshine and smooth as velvet; he loves it and its owner too much it hurts. It hurts because his mind tells him he should let Kyuhyun go but his heart does not allow him.
Why does it not though, while it’s too weak to take any pressure, much less something as tiring as love? While it is the reason why Ryeowook is staying here?
He remembers now; how he eavesdropped on Kyuhyun asking his doctor about his condition and the man in white blouse simply shook his head with a sigh; how Kyuhyun then dropped on his knees, his back faced Ryeowook but the way his shoulders shivered said it all, he was crying.
And Ryeowook, poor Ryeowook, didn’t even shed a tear.
Kyuhyun’s now towering him, smiling as Ryeowook shakes his head in a wordless “No, I’m fine”, yet the smile looks anything but blissful.
Ryeowook’s heart aches.
2.
“For you I am willing
I have to watch you even if I can't move
Until I feel that your hairline
Have hints of snow white color”
Kyuhyun’s singing it to him that song they sang together during their Chinese class’ gathering at a karaoke box, when Ryeowook was surprised by how good Kyuhyun was at singing (and everything for that matter, he had always admired this lanky guy who sat right behind him in the class). Ryeowook smiled shyly at him when they finished, held out a hand for Kyuhyun to shake and joked about how they should do more duets in the future; only to feel Kyuhyun’s hold tighten, his eyes behind the black rimmed glass glowered and his lips parted in the most dazzling smile ever, “Sure we should.”
“Will I ever be able to see your hairline having hints of snow white color?” Ryeowook murmurs to Kyuhyun’s chest as the other carries him to his bed, voice so soft but it pierces through Kyuhyun’s heart. A light peck is placed on Ryeowook’s forehead as his back meets the white mattress, “Don’t be silly, I’ll be with you until my hair so white and skin so wrinkled that you’re tired of the ugly me and kick me out.”
He tries to make his tone light and perky, and is relieved that Ryeowook’s smiling, though weakly, upon replying. “You’ll still be the most handsome man in this world even if your hair is white and face wrinkled. And I’ll never kick you out; unless you want to be kicked that is.”
If only I would ever have the chance to ruffle your white hair and kiss your wrinkled face, if only…
3.
“If I can give up the whole world
At least there is still you for me to treasure
And you are here
That is the miracle of life”
In his sleep, Ryeowook’s expression is the most serene, the most peaceful, and Kyuhyun treasures every minute he can still watch Ryeowook when the furrow between his brows when he’s in pain eases to nothingness, the sorrowful look in his eyes is hidden behind those lids framed with thick lashes.
Kyuhyun chose this room because from its window Ryeowook can see the sea at its most beautiful when the sun rises. Ryeowook loves the sight of dawn breaking; so if Kyuhyun can do nothing to make him stay longer in this world at least he can make Ryeowook’s last days better waking up to something he loves.
Everything he does, he does it for Ryeowook. Because Kyuhyun himself hates to see dawn approaching. It means he has one less day with Ryeowook beside him, breathing and smiling and saying good morning, love, just the thought of never seeing that again is too painful and Kyuhyun does not know what it would be like when he has to face the reality.
Kyuhyun would give up the whole world if it was of any help but he cannot so instead, he thinks of Ryeowook’s being as a miracle of life, the one and only chance fortune’s given Kyuhyun to show Ryeowook how much he loves him, how happy Ryeowook’s smile make him.
The pain of losing Ryeowook is for himself to endure alone, later.
4.
“I'm afraid there won't be enough time,
I want to hold you
Until I feel your wrinkles
Have signs of aging”
Kyuhyun never forgets the first time he saw Ryeowook’s bare back in the morning after one of the most memorable days in his life, right next to his, skin smooth and warm, some bruises here and there reminded him of what had happened which made his cheeks flush in shyness and in bliss.
He’s facing Ryeowook’s bare back again, scrubbing it while Ryeowook’s playing with the hot water in the bath tub, Kyuhyun’s heart sinks when he notice that his skin is paler and the ribs are more prominent every day. He would still kiss it if allowed because he loves Ryeowook and his everything no less than before, it just…
hurts.
Ryeowook barely makes it pass the bathroom so Kyuhyun helps him stand with one hand gripping on the rim of the sink and another on his shoulder while he’s drying him off, as gently and carefully as possible, then wraps him in the towel and carries him to bed to get dressed. At first Ryeowook protested to this and insisted on doing it himself, but Kyuhyun won the battle of who’s more stubborn anyway. Ryeowook doesn’t have so much in him to fight now so he simply gives in; he knows Kyuhyun’s doing all of this not because he’s pitying Ryeowook, but because he loves him.
There is never enough time, and he’s running out of it. Isn’t it better to just hold on to the one he loves when he still has time?
5.
“Maybe I can forget the whole world
But I won't be willing to lose news about you
The mole on your palm
I always remember it is there”
Ryeowook takes hold of Kyuhyun’s hand which is gently brushing on his hair, “Stop playing with my hair.”
Kyuhyun smiles at him softly, “You’ve always loved it when I do that.”
“I still do”, Ryeowook smiles back. But I do not want anything to block my view of you, even if it’s your hand. He brings Kyuhyun’s hand to his lips and kiss it lightly with his eyes close, caving into his mind the feel of the skin on his lips, the image of that mole on the palm. He feels Kyuhyun’s muscles tense up and opens his eyes to meet Kyuhyun’s gaze before smiling again. “What’s up, love?”
“Nothing.” Kyuhyun murmurs, though the sadness in his eyes and voice cannot be hidden. Ryeowook looks at him, hands reaching to cup his face between them, trying to memorize the curve of his brows, the rim under those brown eyes, the pimples that make Kyuhyun no less beautiful to Ryeowook...
Everything.
He could forget the whole world, but these things would linger in his mind until the day his heart stops beating. Or, they would haunt him even when he’s become a spirit without a body, because he loves them too much.
He loves him too much.
6.
“I'm afraid time will pass too slowly
Always worried that I'll lose you
Rather have white hair overnight
That way we'll never part”
Kyuhyun’s been either wide awake or half asleep these days as Ryeowook more frequently winces in pain even in his slumber, sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night sweating all over and then collapses on his bed and Kyuhyun almost screams at the doctor to find a way to fix it, to at least let Ryeowook sleep in peace.
Time passes too slowly when he’s watching the doctor discuss about Ryeowook’s condition, and passes too quickly after Kyuhyun is informed about how much time is left for his beloved. He’s growing afraid of the dawn now, afraid that he might wake up seeing Ryeowook’s lifeless form with his very eyes and can do nothing about it.
Once or twice he looks at his reflection in the mirror of the bathroom thinking he himself resembles a patient as well, black rims so conspicuous under his eyes and skin as pale as a vampire, if that creature does exist. Perhaps one day he might see himself with white hair from all the stress that he’s going through, Kyuhyun doesn’t know.
One thing though, the end of this means only one thing he does not want to face. At all.
7.
“Until my eyesight becomes blurry
Until I cannot breathe
Let us never part”
They’re sitting on the beach watching the sunrise because Ryeowook cannot go back to sleep after he woke up from a nightmare; Kyuhyun’s arm keeps hold of Ryeowook firmly as the other leans against him, head on his shoulder. Ryeowook’s breathing is getting weak, but his mind is at ease. “Don’t forget me after I’m gone okay, love? But do not cry over my death for too long. Live your life… find someone you love…”
Kyuhyun tries to keep his voice from shaking. “Don’t say such things, you’re going to live…”
“Until I die, yes.” Ryeowook smiles. “So Kyuhyun, do me a favor.”
“Anything.”
“Kiss me.”, he demands. Kyuhyun hesitates for a second considering whether it would do anything harm, but obeys anyway as Ryeowook’s pulling at his sleeve. Their lips meet, slowly and without desire; Kyuhyun’s hand soon finds its home in Ryeowook’s soft hair and hold him, but Ryeowook’s arm is too weak to do the same so he grips at the hem of Kyuhyun’s shirt instead.
Soon enough Ryeowook has to let go, much as he wants this to last forever, because it’s getting harder to breathe. His cheeks are wet, though his eyes dry. He leans against Kyuhyun’s shoulder again. “Don’t cry, love.”
Kyuhyun who has been holding these tears back because he doesn’t want to make Ryeowook any sadder cannot bother now as he feels that time’s approaching closer than ever. “I love you, I will always do. Until my last breath.”
“I, too, will always love you.”, he murmurs. Even when I cannot breathe.