to those of you who read this you definitely deserve an award for reading the longest lj post ever
This year has really not been my year, but through everything I have held my head high trying to not let it all take me down because life on the positive side is better...being happy is better than being depressed.
but now I am breaking down...finals are shattering me because I have never worked as hard as i have worked this year. I have never put so much heart into my work. i have never been let down and lost so much as i have this year...not even just this school year starting with before...
starting with basically one year ago when i couldn't deal with everything and resulted to ridiculous means to care for myself
onto the end of july which at the time was one of the hardest things i ever experienced in my life
onto having to leave the group of friends who actually made me feel comfortable with who i am
onto starting a new life where i struggled to meet people and make friends and wasn't even placed with a roommate i could be friends with
onto not getting into a sorority i wanted when i had dreamed of being in a sorority for awhile and dreamed of holding high positions in a sorority if only i could get the early start i didn't get in bbg
onto not making club soccer...playing sports being my passion
onto not getting into senate after applying...not even hearing back of them saying i am sorry
so i was left with one thing my job, but yet i didn't want to get active at hillel aside from my job cuz it is not where i feel i belong
then i got into a fight with my best friend and was just barely gliding along getting along with one of my other closest friends
while i thought of transferring out of sc i tried to see the positive and looked forward to the awesome football games, my favorite thing about school. i knew i had met two great people, maddie and emily, and had blair who was there for me. i was doing fairly well in my classes and grew more confident in my ability to write papers.
Coming back from winter break i hoped for a great new start w/ laura and lindsay coming to school with me...and second semester really has been great...i grew extremely close with maddie and closer with both lindsay and laura...the fight with my friend subsided and we began talking again...i started liking a guy who gave me a rose on valentines day, but eventually gave up on that as he was just too scared to make a move or do anything about it if he actually did like me, but it does upset me that he was one of my closest friends and now we barely talk.
i literally have no guy friends at school and i am always one who has had guy friends cuz often times i get along really well with guys cuz i have this obsession with sports and need someone to discuss it with and share my passion with...thank god for maintaining strong relationships with guys from home who would discuss that with me.
and when i thought life was improving my grandmother had to get sick...i thought what i had lost in july was the hardest thing id lose this year...but i was wrong...enduring midterms and papers knowing that grandma was so sick and prob would not make it through the year was so tough, but i held my head high and i tried to do my best to make her proud...me and my sister kept her going for so long she literally told me she kept fighting for us but sometimes thats just not enough...and i went to New Orleans because i knew she would have wanted me to and i had a great time and i was so glad to spend time with Jake cuz through it all he was the one person I wanted to go to and he was truly great and there for me 100% (jake i am so glad we are finally getting along so well, i don't think you know how happy it truly makes me)...and although i have missed her so much every week when i spend time with my grandfather I pushed through it all...kept a positive attitude...kept her strength with me and did my best to succeed did my best to accomplish everything she would want me to...and i miss her very much and right now when i am struggling with finals afraid of not succeeding...i just am afraid of letting her down even though I know that as long as i try i could never disappoint her.
The thing i have really realized about myself lately is that no matter how stressed i am no matter what is going on in my head...i still try to help my friends and be there for them in times of need...i only want the best for everyone and because of that i do worry about everyone when they are upset...even if i get so upset things other people are dealing with that i have to go home to breathe, i still want to be there for everyone...i still want to do everything in my power to help everyone and be a great and fair friend.
I just feel that this year has not been everything i hoped college would be. I didn't get out of it what I wanted. I didn't get as involved in my school as i had wanted. But I am still thinking positive cuz there is next year, and two years after that...where I will jump at every opportunity to get involved and make the most out of everything. I have always had strong determination and I am going to utilize that to the fullest and no matter how many times i fail, i still will be determined to succeed.
Anyway, this is a really long entry but no one is online for me to breakdown to so i did it here and I do feel kind of better although I am extremely stressed out over finals. I have one in 9 hrs and I am determined to get an A- in a class i thought i'd never understand. I have 3 finals left and it is just a bit overwhelming for me since I really have never applied myself and studied this hard in my life because school used to come easier to me than most. The difference now is I am surrounded by people who are at my level and am being taught above my level and am being forced to meet the new challenge.
Despite the melancholy post, I truly am a happy person right now. I have my health, i have a family who will love me through thick and thin, I have a set of great friends who are there for me in times of need...
and in the end, that's all that really matters...