Ode to Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris left his glove at OJ's place. He never got it back, so he went back in time and killed Natalie Wood.
The reason America is the strongest military force is due to the fact that other countries simply piss themselves when we threaten them by saying, "Chuck Norris".
The character Quagmire from Family Guy is based on Chuck Norris, the only difference being that Chuck Norris slept with as many women as Quagmire as between 3:51 am and 11:49 am on April 26, 1992. The only reason he stopped was to go help Sublime write a new song.
Chuck Norris is single-handedly responsible for the creation of every sexual-education video in history.
Contrary to popular historical belief, Julius Ceasar's real last words were "Et Tu Chuck-e?" after suffering a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris does not shave. Instead he just lights his beard on fire. Once the fire is out he roundhouse kicks his dog in the head.
Chuck Norris does not open doors for his date. He roundhouse kicks them down. Her, too.
Coincidence that Viagra and the hole on the ozone both appeared around the same time? Ask Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once sucked off a donkey because somebody triple dog dared him. Never triple dog dare Chuck.
When Chuck Norris gives a thumbs up, it means that his penis is now erect.
Chuck Norris once danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight.
Chuck Norris once met God. God asked him if he would rather live eternally or have His powers. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and said, "I'm Chuck Norris, I am God."
The dinosaurs went extinct because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the moon into the planet. That's why he had to invent it again.
Chuck Norris cracked the Liberty Bell.
Chuck Norris ended the Cuban Missile Crisis by singing his rendition of "We Are the World".
The biggest mistake Clint Eastwood ever made is when he told Chuck Norris to make his day.
Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
Contrary to popular belief, it was Chuck Norris, not Angelina Jolie, that broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
Chuck Norris has been known to keep his solid waste in shoe boxes, and send them to Goodwill. By the time of delivery, they will have turned into bars of gold.
When Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus, you become pregnant. Dont try an abortion, either, it only makes the fetus stronger.
Chuck Norris once kicked so much ass at a breakdancing contest that he created a time-space anomaly that destroyed a large amount of Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, and Lumberjacks.
Chuck Norris once told his moustache to strangle an entire Vietnamese village.
Chuck Norris is one of the Twelve superhumans that can eat their own heads and live to tell the tale (using sign language).
The ringtone on Chuck Norris's cell phone is a recording of people that he has killed pleading for their lives.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris was put on this earth to do two things: drink some beer and kick some ass. Chuck Norris successfully drank all of the beer this world had to offer by the time he was 3 months old. He has been kicking ass ever since.
Chuck Norris can kill you in seven different languages.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
If Chuck Norris invites you over for tea and asks "one lump or two" never say "two" because he'll beat you over the head with a fully restored '67 Chevy Impala.
As part of his greatest gift to mankind, Chuck Norris is currently in the process of writing "Hammer Time!" under every stop sign in the universe.
After starting a club in his own honor Chuck Norris soon disbanded them after learning that he is the only person that can successfully defuse a bomb, shoot three men, and get a woman pregnant at the same time.
In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.
Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high five
Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris left his glove at OJ's place. He never got it back, so he went back in time and killed Natalie Wood.
The reason America is the strongest military force is due to the fact that other countries simply piss themselves when we threaten them by saying, "Chuck Norris".
The character Quagmire from Family Guy is based on Chuck Norris, the only difference being that Chuck Norris slept with as many women as Quagmire as between 3:51 am and 11:49 am on April 26, 1992. The only reason he stopped was to go help Sublime write a new song.
Chuck Norris is single-handedly responsible for the creation of every sexual-education video in history.
Contrary to popular historical belief, Julius Ceasar's real last words were "Et Tu Chuck-e?" after suffering a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris does not shave. Instead he just lights his beard on fire. Once the fire is out he roundhouse kicks his dog in the head.
Chuck Norris does not open doors for his date. He roundhouse kicks them down. Her, too.
Coincidence that Viagra and the hole on the ozone both appeared around the same time? Ask Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once sucked off a donkey because somebody triple dog dared him. Never triple dog dare Chuck.
When Chuck Norris gives a thumbs up, it means that his penis is now erect.
Chuck Norris once danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight.
Chuck Norris once met God. God asked him if he would rather live eternally or have His powers. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and said, "I'm Chuck Norris, I am God."
The dinosaurs went extinct because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the moon into the planet. That's why he had to invent it again.
Chuck Norris cracked the Liberty Bell.
Chuck Norris ended the Cuban Missile Crisis by singing his rendition of "We Are the World".
The biggest mistake Clint Eastwood ever made is when he told Chuck Norris to make his day.
Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
Contrary to popular belief, it was Chuck Norris, not Angelina Jolie, that broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
Chuck Norris has been known to keep his solid waste in shoe boxes, and send them to Goodwill. By the time of delivery, they will have turned into bars of gold.
When Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus, you become pregnant. Dont try an abortion, either, it only makes the fetus stronger.
Chuck Norris once kicked so much ass at a breakdancing contest that he created a time-space anomaly that destroyed a large amount of Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, and Lumberjacks.
Chuck Norris once told his moustache to strangle an entire Vietnamese village.
Chuck Norris is one of the Twelve superhumans that can eat their own heads and live to tell the tale (using sign language).
The ringtone on Chuck Norris's cell phone is a recording of people that he has killed pleading for their lives.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris was put on this earth to do two things: drink some beer and kick some ass. Chuck Norris successfully drank all of the beer this world had to offer by the time he was 3 months old. He has been kicking ass ever since.
Chuck Norris can kill you in seven different languages.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
If Chuck Norris invites you over for tea and asks "one lump or two" never say "two" because he'll beat you over the head with a fully restored '67 Chevy Impala.
As part of his greatest gift to mankind, Chuck Norris is currently in the process of writing "Hammer Time!" under every stop sign in the universe.
After starting a club in his own honor Chuck Norris soon disbanded them after learning that he is the only person that can successfully defuse a bomb, shoot three men, and get a woman pregnant at the same time.
In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.
Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high five
Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.