(no subject)
I feel completely out of sorts today. There are so many projects I want to work on but lack the motivation to even start or to complete. Some of the projects are ones that I just don't want to do but I know they need to be done and others are ones that will not only benefit myself but others as well. I think it is the lack of thanks that keeps me from doing any of them. I get tired of doing everything day in and day out and hardly ever getting any help and never any thanks. Sometimes I don't know why I bother at all. I'm tired and yet at the same time incredibly bored. I'm going to schedule some time off from work here in the near future to just get away, get some things done at home that need to be done and just to be away. I enjoyed the last couple days at home more than I would have thought. I'd love to be a stay at home mom but that doesn't appear to be in my future. I'd also love to have another child but alas that doesn't appear to be there either. I know I have to work to support myself and my daughter and I just don't see how being away from home this much could benefit another child. I wouldn't be able to be home like I was for my daughter when she was younger. I've been feeling older than my years lately and my future doesn't look very bright. It isn't that bad, but I'd like it to be better. I wonder what my future holds. I'm just in a bit of a grumpy mood today I suppose but then I really don't think that it is. I'm tired of being the one to do everything and be expected to just have it done.
I had another dream that my house burnt down again. It was the same as the last dream and just sitting there thinking what now and not wanting to bother anymore or knowing what to do. I suppose that is because I've felt this way for a while. I'm tired and when I get tired like this I usually go into severe depression and hold in anger toward virtually everyone and everything. I don't know what I want in life, just something more than this. I'm also under the belief that I can never be fully content. I could have the makings of a peaceful, easy, happy life and yet I'd be bored and want a harder life. I could have one in between and want both peace and more change and harshness. I've sort of grown up wanting what I can't have and the more I think about it the more I believe I want it strictly because I can't have it. I've suffered through a number of pains, probably more than most and each new ones leaves little surprise. Life is pain, although others tell me it isn't that is what I've always believed, even when I was a small child.
I'm tired. I'm just rambling. Nothing is a clear thought or something I had planned to put here, but I'll leave the post as is because it is what first came out.
I had another dream that my house burnt down again. It was the same as the last dream and just sitting there thinking what now and not wanting to bother anymore or knowing what to do. I suppose that is because I've felt this way for a while. I'm tired and when I get tired like this I usually go into severe depression and hold in anger toward virtually everyone and everything. I don't know what I want in life, just something more than this. I'm also under the belief that I can never be fully content. I could have the makings of a peaceful, easy, happy life and yet I'd be bored and want a harder life. I could have one in between and want both peace and more change and harshness. I've sort of grown up wanting what I can't have and the more I think about it the more I believe I want it strictly because I can't have it. I've suffered through a number of pains, probably more than most and each new ones leaves little surprise. Life is pain, although others tell me it isn't that is what I've always believed, even when I was a small child.
I'm tired. I'm just rambling. Nothing is a clear thought or something I had planned to put here, but I'll leave the post as is because it is what first came out.