Depression
I'm not sure why I bother posting. Not that I have anyone who reads this anyways, but I figured what the hell might as well put down the stuff I've been going through lately. So here goes.
I've been going through some pretty severe depression lately. It wasn't too bad after the fire, just everything was kind of numb but since the holidays are over and I have nothing left to focus on everything is sinking in. I hate driving home after work especially if there is snow on the hills. It looks so much more depressing and dead with the snow covering the burnt trees. Then you drive through the section that was untouched. Everything is green and the houses are all fine. Then you hit the first houses that were burnt. Mine, my parents and two of my neighbors. You look across the street and everything is fine and green there. It is flooding there today. The water runs black from all the crap that is still in and old the ground. We cut down about 1000 trees from my property and get to cut down a bunch more in spring or summer. About 10% of the neighbors who had loss have died and they anticipate that to climb to at least 25% in the next 6 months. There are emergency vehicles in and out of my neighborhood all the time now. You hear one and wonder who else had a heart attack. On the bad side my blood pressure which has always been extremely low is bordering on high. I worry about being part of that 25% to go but I can't. I have to take care of my daughter. I hate to think about the things that could have been done better before the fire, by other people and by myself. I should not have left. I should have defended my house but I was worried about my daughter and our pets. They didn't give us any warning we would have to evacuate, but they gave warning to about a dozen people back there that they would evacuate the place around noon the next day. The assholes didn't hardly tell anyone. I didn't get to take hardly anything, but the pets and some pictures. Most of my memories burned and the worst thing is they had the fire down and under control and the damn forest service lite another one and made all the personnel leave. Once my house and a few others were in flames they let them back in and then did cover up work after the fire. There are class action lawsuits everywhere. They won't do any good though. The people that are responsible don't give a shit and nothing will be done about them. The guy that started the first fire was a known arsonist but he had never been prosecuted for the other forest fires he has started because they didn't do much damage or the damage they did was all on the reservation and they protected him.
I feel completely alone most of the time. I alienated most of my friends years and years ago due to a stupid relationship that never brought me anything but pain and now I've virtually no one to talk to. My daughter who I don't want to make sad. My boyfriend who doesn't understand and has the response of you shouldn't worry or get so upset. Whole lot of good that does. A distant friend who I've had for years and years but are only communication is via written letters. I've not written to him in 6 months because thinking about doing so makes me sad because I think of the fire. I sent him a card the other day. I hope he understands.
Perhaps planting some trees and stuff in the spring will make things not quite as bad. I'll be ordering some this weekend with all luck, but money is tight because of the stupid little things I have to replace, a pizza wheel here. I'm sick of cutting it with a knife because I always forget we don't have one anymore. I used a bottle of vodka that I was going to make Kahlua with as a rolling pin last night to make cookies for my daughters class. Another thing I need to put on the list to buy. It is the little stuff that adds up.
I've been going through some pretty severe depression lately. It wasn't too bad after the fire, just everything was kind of numb but since the holidays are over and I have nothing left to focus on everything is sinking in. I hate driving home after work especially if there is snow on the hills. It looks so much more depressing and dead with the snow covering the burnt trees. Then you drive through the section that was untouched. Everything is green and the houses are all fine. Then you hit the first houses that were burnt. Mine, my parents and two of my neighbors. You look across the street and everything is fine and green there. It is flooding there today. The water runs black from all the crap that is still in and old the ground. We cut down about 1000 trees from my property and get to cut down a bunch more in spring or summer. About 10% of the neighbors who had loss have died and they anticipate that to climb to at least 25% in the next 6 months. There are emergency vehicles in and out of my neighborhood all the time now. You hear one and wonder who else had a heart attack. On the bad side my blood pressure which has always been extremely low is bordering on high. I worry about being part of that 25% to go but I can't. I have to take care of my daughter. I hate to think about the things that could have been done better before the fire, by other people and by myself. I should not have left. I should have defended my house but I was worried about my daughter and our pets. They didn't give us any warning we would have to evacuate, but they gave warning to about a dozen people back there that they would evacuate the place around noon the next day. The assholes didn't hardly tell anyone. I didn't get to take hardly anything, but the pets and some pictures. Most of my memories burned and the worst thing is they had the fire down and under control and the damn forest service lite another one and made all the personnel leave. Once my house and a few others were in flames they let them back in and then did cover up work after the fire. There are class action lawsuits everywhere. They won't do any good though. The people that are responsible don't give a shit and nothing will be done about them. The guy that started the first fire was a known arsonist but he had never been prosecuted for the other forest fires he has started because they didn't do much damage or the damage they did was all on the reservation and they protected him.
I feel completely alone most of the time. I alienated most of my friends years and years ago due to a stupid relationship that never brought me anything but pain and now I've virtually no one to talk to. My daughter who I don't want to make sad. My boyfriend who doesn't understand and has the response of you shouldn't worry or get so upset. Whole lot of good that does. A distant friend who I've had for years and years but are only communication is via written letters. I've not written to him in 6 months because thinking about doing so makes me sad because I think of the fire. I sent him a card the other day. I hope he understands.
Perhaps planting some trees and stuff in the spring will make things not quite as bad. I'll be ordering some this weekend with all luck, but money is tight because of the stupid little things I have to replace, a pizza wheel here. I'm sick of cutting it with a knife because I always forget we don't have one anymore. I used a bottle of vodka that I was going to make Kahlua with as a rolling pin last night to make cookies for my daughters class. Another thing I need to put on the list to buy. It is the little stuff that adds up.