(no subject)
Regression is such a slippery thing to meditate upon. Sometimes it eludes all my conscious thought, and sometimes it settles into my stomach for a queasy, guilty feeling.
I don't want to be where I'm at, and that goes for just about anything you could hope to apply it to. I do not particularly feel like living in any one place, at all, but especially not in this greasy, humid death trap of a Sunshine State. I don't want to hold down a shitty wage-slave part time job. I don't want to take time off of school unless I'm spending it doing something worthwhile. Which I'm not.
I'm here because of... rationalization. Complacency? Because I'm fucking retarded, after all?
I'm here, because I missed Jay so badly when we didn't have each other. I'm here because this man of mine is a package deal. He comes with a house, and a job, and a lease that isn't up until May. He comes with a few fights, and a lot of little squabbles. He comes with a stubborn streak a mile wide, and one or two prejudices that I wish he didn't have. Alas. My heart belongs to him completely and I can't help but feel, no matter how "logically" I attempt to consider the situation, that my place is by his side. Maybe this is a hands-down win for emotion over logic, but fuck it, I am just a stupid girl, didn't you know?
Even if I didn't have a relationship to tie me down (god knows the job wouldn't keep me here), I don't know whether I'd be able to travel again anytime soon. My health is like a goddamn roller coaster lately, and I don't have the insurance or the money to see a doctor. So far I've figured out that, 1) it is not epilepsy, like I thought it might be, 2) it probably has something to do with my heart and 3) it's not going to go away on its own. I need to have some blood work done, and then I'll need to get a job that comes with insurance. Either a second job or a replacement job. So far, I'm thinking, library? Post office? My mom suggested Starbucks, turns out even part time employees there have fairly decent medical coverage. Too bad I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than work in that corporate hell hole.
I just don't know what to do.
A year ago, at least I was in school.
Half a year before now, at least I was soaring over horizons, treading a new patch of highway every day, tossing back shitty beers with beautiful people. Having the fucking time of my life.
Now? I'm just a little drop out housie disappointment.
I don't want to be where I'm at, and that goes for just about anything you could hope to apply it to. I do not particularly feel like living in any one place, at all, but especially not in this greasy, humid death trap of a Sunshine State. I don't want to hold down a shitty wage-slave part time job. I don't want to take time off of school unless I'm spending it doing something worthwhile. Which I'm not.
I'm here because of... rationalization. Complacency? Because I'm fucking retarded, after all?
I'm here, because I missed Jay so badly when we didn't have each other. I'm here because this man of mine is a package deal. He comes with a house, and a job, and a lease that isn't up until May. He comes with a few fights, and a lot of little squabbles. He comes with a stubborn streak a mile wide, and one or two prejudices that I wish he didn't have. Alas. My heart belongs to him completely and I can't help but feel, no matter how "logically" I attempt to consider the situation, that my place is by his side. Maybe this is a hands-down win for emotion over logic, but fuck it, I am just a stupid girl, didn't you know?
Even if I didn't have a relationship to tie me down (god knows the job wouldn't keep me here), I don't know whether I'd be able to travel again anytime soon. My health is like a goddamn roller coaster lately, and I don't have the insurance or the money to see a doctor. So far I've figured out that, 1) it is not epilepsy, like I thought it might be, 2) it probably has something to do with my heart and 3) it's not going to go away on its own. I need to have some blood work done, and then I'll need to get a job that comes with insurance. Either a second job or a replacement job. So far, I'm thinking, library? Post office? My mom suggested Starbucks, turns out even part time employees there have fairly decent medical coverage. Too bad I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than work in that corporate hell hole.
I just don't know what to do.
A year ago, at least I was in school.
Half a year before now, at least I was soaring over horizons, treading a new patch of highway every day, tossing back shitty beers with beautiful people. Having the fucking time of my life.
Now? I'm just a little drop out housie disappointment.