(no subject)
I had always thought, what could be worse than coming home after a long stay away and realizing that everything your love once stood for, everything you came back for, was gone? Lost forever, no retries, no "let's just start over"s, just fucking gone. Of course, I never really knew my own naivety until I looked back on it with the world's reflection in my eyes, and then, knowing what I know now, I couldn't help but miss it- Surely, I'd never ask such questions if I was hoping for an answer. I didn't even know I was looking for an answer until I already had it, and had had it for quite some time before I even considered it as such. Oh, but when I met you I was blinded by my faith in love and the universe itself, and you were wearing your mother's tiny vintage red dress you always said looked wild on you and made your eyes look like- well, a color no one could quite figure out so we'd just shrug and guess hazel? Green? For the first year, I couldn't even remember what the question was, and for that, my love, I am thankful. Even with all the disappointments, the look in your eyes when you heard the trigger click, the police investigations and yellow tape- even with all that, I wouldn't take back what happened, I wouldn't wish this out of existence, because that first year made it worth it. It was worth the sacrifice. Even with fresh faces and bedroom eyes, I knew I couldn't stop the train-wreck of us, I knew our hearts couldn't take the collision of reality I saw speeding towards us from a distance. And this was worse, wasn't it, this had to be worse than returning to nothing, because everything I loved was was going up in flames, and my words and thoughts were only fuel for the fire, consuming everything I touched, everything I tried to save. The air was set afire with regret and misdirected good intentions, and that train, the fucking train-wreck, was still headed right for us. I knew you were caught right in the headlights, you must've been, when you said "I'm not in love with you anymore," and Sweetheart, that's why I did it. I had to protect you from what we were about to become. (redemption and a savior in a single bullet.) You've never looked prettier, darlin. Red always was your color.