Being Cruel
For the lack of better things to post, and the slight reassurance that perhaps no one but myself will peruse this, I submit my mental inclinations at this time.
First and foremost: That ever enduring war I am constantly waging with myself, or rather two versions of myself duking it out in a metaphorical sense. The one version is perhaps the more humane and sociable side, the one that clings to my relationships like a lifeboat on a sinking ship. The other is my more sociopathic and independent bent nature.
The dispute is always about how to handle my relationships with others. As I've grown older, I have become more and more detached with ease, rarely putting effort into friendships anymore. Just when I think I've got it all figured out, some weird ass notion of loneliness kicks in and I find myself running back to my oldest friends. I am on the edge again, trying to decide on what to do. It would be so easy to sever those ties, having done most of the work already. In arguing statements against it, I keep finding my eyes and ears draw to the people around me and their relationships; jealously never far behind. I suppose that if I had the bonds that I envy, I wouldn't be in envy or destructive. The questioning of my bonds and my doubts based on what I deem as logical (because we just know that emotions follow logic, har har)hounds me.
I have managed to alienate the vast majority of my family, with no regrets (to my knowledge and at this present time). Seeing eye to eye with my grandmother/mother/father/etc... has long since grinded to a halt, for good reason. None of those assholes are happy with others or themselves. I stopped seeing anyone within blood relation as a role model, and have been finding myself using my dark humor with a twist of honesty within their presence. Upon my mother informing me that I was primary benefactor in the case of her and my adoptive father dying, I promptly told I would piss on her ashes. I probably won't mostly because that's a little gross and if I thought peeing in a cup was embarrassing, imagine an urn. My grandparents live in other states, so distance is always good. Last time I saw my grandmother (For the first time in a decade), she ignored me in favor of my sister and at that point future-brother-in-law. When I called said future-brother-in-law a cunt for rough housing and knocking over a drink then blaming me, my step-grandfather started hounding me about not worshiping God. Nevermind the fact they knew nothing of my loss of faith during the witnessing of the violent death of my adoptive grandmother to brain cancer. Oh how those Priests dismissed her death as little more than the Glory of God so non-nonchalantly, offering no comfort and solace for those with new wounds. As for that fantastic father'o'mine, well my favorite bastard maker saw fit to pop into my life for all of like two facebook (so srs biznss) statuses before disappear to worlds unknown while leaving my sister high and dry with his bills.
Saying goodbye really is as easy as most people tell a lie, for me anyways.
So secondly, Zack.
My equal, my opposite: My ever stoic knight in rusty armor. As I close myself off to other (could you really call it closing off if I'm just not interested in them anymore?) I drift further from him. I use to cling to him as the one piece of stability in my life. Now, I've started seeing this piece of stability as this rather large and heavy rock in which I'm chained to and have been dragging through a desert of ever shifting sandy dunes. In a world of on going changes, the man clings to the past like a bad habit. The ultimatum has been served, we'll see if he strikes out of gets to first.
First and foremost: That ever enduring war I am constantly waging with myself, or rather two versions of myself duking it out in a metaphorical sense. The one version is perhaps the more humane and sociable side, the one that clings to my relationships like a lifeboat on a sinking ship. The other is my more sociopathic and independent bent nature.
The dispute is always about how to handle my relationships with others. As I've grown older, I have become more and more detached with ease, rarely putting effort into friendships anymore. Just when I think I've got it all figured out, some weird ass notion of loneliness kicks in and I find myself running back to my oldest friends. I am on the edge again, trying to decide on what to do. It would be so easy to sever those ties, having done most of the work already. In arguing statements against it, I keep finding my eyes and ears draw to the people around me and their relationships; jealously never far behind. I suppose that if I had the bonds that I envy, I wouldn't be in envy or destructive. The questioning of my bonds and my doubts based on what I deem as logical (because we just know that emotions follow logic, har har)hounds me.
I have managed to alienate the vast majority of my family, with no regrets (to my knowledge and at this present time). Seeing eye to eye with my grandmother/mother/father/etc... has long since grinded to a halt, for good reason. None of those assholes are happy with others or themselves. I stopped seeing anyone within blood relation as a role model, and have been finding myself using my dark humor with a twist of honesty within their presence. Upon my mother informing me that I was primary benefactor in the case of her and my adoptive father dying, I promptly told I would piss on her ashes. I probably won't mostly because that's a little gross and if I thought peeing in a cup was embarrassing, imagine an urn. My grandparents live in other states, so distance is always good. Last time I saw my grandmother (For the first time in a decade), she ignored me in favor of my sister and at that point future-brother-in-law. When I called said future-brother-in-law a cunt for rough housing and knocking over a drink then blaming me, my step-grandfather started hounding me about not worshiping God. Nevermind the fact they knew nothing of my loss of faith during the witnessing of the violent death of my adoptive grandmother to brain cancer. Oh how those Priests dismissed her death as little more than the Glory of God so non-nonchalantly, offering no comfort and solace for those with new wounds. As for that fantastic father'o'mine, well my favorite bastard maker saw fit to pop into my life for all of like two facebook (so srs biznss) statuses before disappear to worlds unknown while leaving my sister high and dry with his bills.
Saying goodbye really is as easy as most people tell a lie, for me anyways.
So secondly, Zack.
My equal, my opposite: My ever stoic knight in rusty armor. As I close myself off to other (could you really call it closing off if I'm just not interested in them anymore?) I drift further from him. I use to cling to him as the one piece of stability in my life. Now, I've started seeing this piece of stability as this rather large and heavy rock in which I'm chained to and have been dragging through a desert of ever shifting sandy dunes. In a world of on going changes, the man clings to the past like a bad habit. The ultimatum has been served, we'll see if he strikes out of gets to first.