Hiccups of life
Sometimes, I cannot resist raising an eyebrow to the sky and wondering what the hell all those divine beings (whether good or bad) are thinking. Or I am just sending an incredulous look at the entities of chance and choice. Or perhaps I want to shout, "Holy shit!" at the top of my lungs and smack my head against a hard object. (Then again, ouch).
I understand that the results we face in life stem from our choices, long- and short-term. Therefore, anything that happens to us in the future (even ten years later) is our fault. Still, I cannot help myself from the surprise I feel when the most unexpected things happen.
I am, admittedly, a control freak. I like to know where things come from, where they are going, and where they will be. I have entricate plans for certain aspects of my life. I play my cards carefully. And when something passes by me, and I cannot catch it, then I shrug and move on. I may look back on that moment, sometimes with anger and others with regret, but I cannot make any choice to change what happened now.
However. I am suddenly caught off guard with on single thing, just this inkling of a thing, and my world is blown apart for several minutes, during which I cannot breathe, blink, or believe. Is that really...? Oh my god. It is.
I am reminded that no matter how much I want to forget those handful of things I most truly regret, I cannot. The only ghosts that exist in the world are memories, and I am one of the haunted.
And me, the one who has a way to handle everything, does not know what to do next. The littlest of things, something that barely required only a few seconds in the first place, for me requires an hour of contemplation and staring at the wall as I remember. It breaks those remaining pieces of my heart, and I had never thought that possible since last year.
I have no doubt that in another hour, things will be shoved into perspective in my mind and my bitterness will return. Until then, I am left with that stupid ache of something lost so long ago. I will say, with confidence, that I don't miss it, that I never want it again. And I will never be sure if I am lying or not. After all, the best liar convinces himself of his own lies.
Jesus Christ On A Stick, this is not that big of a deal. This is nothing. So why does this overwhelm me?
If I could just know what to do with this...
Once again, I get metaphysical and vague on your asses all while I spam your flists. I am so talented, apparently. The thoughts will never end! Mwahahahaha!
Dammit. I need more coffee and angrier music. *flicks on the machine and turns to Injected on the iTunes list* There, give me a few, and I will be as good as (relative) normal.
I understand that the results we face in life stem from our choices, long- and short-term. Therefore, anything that happens to us in the future (even ten years later) is our fault. Still, I cannot help myself from the surprise I feel when the most unexpected things happen.
I am, admittedly, a control freak. I like to know where things come from, where they are going, and where they will be. I have entricate plans for certain aspects of my life. I play my cards carefully. And when something passes by me, and I cannot catch it, then I shrug and move on. I may look back on that moment, sometimes with anger and others with regret, but I cannot make any choice to change what happened now.
However. I am suddenly caught off guard with on single thing, just this inkling of a thing, and my world is blown apart for several minutes, during which I cannot breathe, blink, or believe. Is that really...? Oh my god. It is.
I am reminded that no matter how much I want to forget those handful of things I most truly regret, I cannot. The only ghosts that exist in the world are memories, and I am one of the haunted.
And me, the one who has a way to handle everything, does not know what to do next. The littlest of things, something that barely required only a few seconds in the first place, for me requires an hour of contemplation and staring at the wall as I remember. It breaks those remaining pieces of my heart, and I had never thought that possible since last year.
I have no doubt that in another hour, things will be shoved into perspective in my mind and my bitterness will return. Until then, I am left with that stupid ache of something lost so long ago. I will say, with confidence, that I don't miss it, that I never want it again. And I will never be sure if I am lying or not. After all, the best liar convinces himself of his own lies.
Jesus Christ On A Stick, this is not that big of a deal. This is nothing. So why does this overwhelm me?
If I could just know what to do with this...
Once again, I get metaphysical and vague on your asses all while I spam your flists. I am so talented, apparently. The thoughts will never end! Mwahahahaha!
Dammit. I need more coffee and angrier music. *flicks on the machine and turns to Injected on the iTunes list* There, give me a few, and I will be as good as (relative) normal.