A Nice, Long Update
I am about to go on a comment spree on LJ. Since I am unemployed currently (nice, but not nice) and my parents are at work during the day (very nice) AND I have no errands to run (nice) ALSO I have to be in the house all day due to painters coming to paint various rooms in the house (so-so nice), I finally have time to catch up and breathe.
So, I am stuck at home until the painters leave... that means until the damn weekend. Thankfully, I am getting benefits from this seeing how my parents are very grateful for me sitting here and making sure all goes well. Unfortunately, this limits my during the day social life. Hopefully I can set up some evening gatherings instead later this week.
Yes, my last post was rather... disturbing (and friends-locked). I'm not quite as bad as I was then. Granted, I am still rather down. I talked to The Boy yesterday for the first time in 6 days. Oh, man. It was heinous. He accused me of being duplicitous, in a sense that I have two selves, effectively pissing me off. God, just thinking about the selfishness of that man... ARGH! I called last week (I called him first before my own family) needing a shoulder to cry on. Instead I get BERATED and criticized, so I hung up on him. He didn't come to my graduation.
Continuing with the phone call, he asked me what I think his course of action should be now. I said that if he wanted us to work out eventually, more time would be necessary for him. He laughed saying we've had enough time. Need I remind small-brains that he was the one who proposed with three years until I graduate and that he was the one who called off the wedding for a year or two more??? HELLO?!?!? And then I said that perhaps a "distance" was necessary (as in not talking on the phone for awhile). I think that will put some perspective into that man's mind.
Why are most men so... stupid? I don't get it. He's very, very intelligent, but just blind! Arrogant, self-centered, asshole! How DARE he call ME selfish!!!
I am rather upset about this. Here I thought that I had the man of my dreams. And then I realize he is anything but. I feel like my whole damn future has been erased and rewritten. I'm growing up and changing, and I don't think The Boy likes that one bit. For him I almost lost my family. What did he lose? Absolutely nothing. Nothing.
There is nothing like the feeling of wasting four years of your life... AGAIN (insert: High School was basically the same thing but much less painful).
Fucking hell. /rant
The painters are here. Very nice people. I am glad I know Spanish so well.
Hopefully ending college will begin a new era for me. I've completely changed. My worst fear was once being alone. Now, I absolutely enjoy my solitude. I love being outgoing, don't hear me wrong. Parties and friends are fabulous, and I am always the loud one of the group. However, I relish pulling inside my mind and lingering with myself for hours or days at a time. It is a very peaceful place.
So, my new worst fear is the inability to make something of myself and accomplish my goals. I do not want to be a complete failure. Having hit such an all-time low, I have no desire to stay there and splash around in a pool of self-pity.
On a lighter note, it seems that with the destruction of my relationship, my old male friendship are returning. *squeals* Really, I miss male companionship. I relate well with men, and these men are so similar to me.
And with these men I realize just how poorly The Boy treats me. He showers me with trips to various places, elaborate birthday and Christmas gifts... but I don't necessarily want that. I want companionship. I want flowers. I love flowers. I have only received a dozen roses once in my life - from him on Valentines Day 2001 which he did because (as he says) "he still needed to win me over." What about daisies or lilies?! I want long intellectual discussions that are NOT the other person speaking for an hour refusing interruption. I want physical contact! Hold my hand! I want to be able to cuddle up to someone and not be pushed roughly away, LITERALLY. I'm a touchy-feely person, dammit!
God, I have got to stop thinking about this.
Trying to continue the lighter note, I enjoy my girlfriends company as well. I have many very close friends, and I hope to see them all very often. :-)
....... Will someone PLEASE come and erase The Boy from my mind right now? I am trying to recover from a traumatic time in my life and His Thought is NOT HELPING - this was partly his own damn fault, God dammit!
Last attempt at lightheartedness - Being the Slytherin that I am (Ah, the joys of being inherently cunning and possibly evil) I have a plan of seduction for an unsuspecting new chorale and orchestra conductor. Embracing my real self wholly, I want to have a little, "innocent" fun! So, Franz Liszt, beware! You'll never know what hit you! *laughs evilly* I am nearly single, after all! Who says I have to be good? Teehee!
Ah, now THAT was a good, happy release. I think I shall end with that note and get to commenting. I need to think positively about life and need to forget totally about certain things for the time being.
So, I am stuck at home until the painters leave... that means until the damn weekend. Thankfully, I am getting benefits from this seeing how my parents are very grateful for me sitting here and making sure all goes well. Unfortunately, this limits my during the day social life. Hopefully I can set up some evening gatherings instead later this week.
Yes, my last post was rather... disturbing (and friends-locked). I'm not quite as bad as I was then. Granted, I am still rather down. I talked to The Boy yesterday for the first time in 6 days. Oh, man. It was heinous. He accused me of being duplicitous, in a sense that I have two selves, effectively pissing me off. God, just thinking about the selfishness of that man... ARGH! I called last week (I called him first before my own family) needing a shoulder to cry on. Instead I get BERATED and criticized, so I hung up on him. He didn't come to my graduation.
Continuing with the phone call, he asked me what I think his course of action should be now. I said that if he wanted us to work out eventually, more time would be necessary for him. He laughed saying we've had enough time. Need I remind small-brains that he was the one who proposed with three years until I graduate and that he was the one who called off the wedding for a year or two more??? HELLO?!?!? And then I said that perhaps a "distance" was necessary (as in not talking on the phone for awhile). I think that will put some perspective into that man's mind.
Why are most men so... stupid? I don't get it. He's very, very intelligent, but just blind! Arrogant, self-centered, asshole! How DARE he call ME selfish!!!
I am rather upset about this. Here I thought that I had the man of my dreams. And then I realize he is anything but. I feel like my whole damn future has been erased and rewritten. I'm growing up and changing, and I don't think The Boy likes that one bit. For him I almost lost my family. What did he lose? Absolutely nothing. Nothing.
There is nothing like the feeling of wasting four years of your life... AGAIN (insert: High School was basically the same thing but much less painful).
Fucking hell. /rant
The painters are here. Very nice people. I am glad I know Spanish so well.
Hopefully ending college will begin a new era for me. I've completely changed. My worst fear was once being alone. Now, I absolutely enjoy my solitude. I love being outgoing, don't hear me wrong. Parties and friends are fabulous, and I am always the loud one of the group. However, I relish pulling inside my mind and lingering with myself for hours or days at a time. It is a very peaceful place.
So, my new worst fear is the inability to make something of myself and accomplish my goals. I do not want to be a complete failure. Having hit such an all-time low, I have no desire to stay there and splash around in a pool of self-pity.
On a lighter note, it seems that with the destruction of my relationship, my old male friendship are returning. *squeals* Really, I miss male companionship. I relate well with men, and these men are so similar to me.
And with these men I realize just how poorly The Boy treats me. He showers me with trips to various places, elaborate birthday and Christmas gifts... but I don't necessarily want that. I want companionship. I want flowers. I love flowers. I have only received a dozen roses once in my life - from him on Valentines Day 2001 which he did because (as he says) "he still needed to win me over." What about daisies or lilies?! I want long intellectual discussions that are NOT the other person speaking for an hour refusing interruption. I want physical contact! Hold my hand! I want to be able to cuddle up to someone and not be pushed roughly away, LITERALLY. I'm a touchy-feely person, dammit!
God, I have got to stop thinking about this.
Trying to continue the lighter note, I enjoy my girlfriends company as well. I have many very close friends, and I hope to see them all very often. :-)
....... Will someone PLEASE come and erase The Boy from my mind right now? I am trying to recover from a traumatic time in my life and His Thought is NOT HELPING - this was partly his own damn fault, God dammit!
Last attempt at lightheartedness - Being the Slytherin that I am (Ah, the joys of being inherently cunning and possibly evil) I have a plan of seduction for an unsuspecting new chorale and orchestra conductor. Embracing my real self wholly, I want to have a little, "innocent" fun! So, Franz Liszt, beware! You'll never know what hit you! *laughs evilly* I am nearly single, after all! Who says I have to be good? Teehee!
Ah, now THAT was a good, happy release. I think I shall end with that note and get to commenting. I need to think positively about life and need to forget totally about certain things for the time being.