(no subject)
so im sitting at home,nothing is happning.im really lonly.me and Ben(one of my many ex's and still good friend)got into a really big fight today.first of all he hasnt been calling me,and when i call him,he wont be at home and wont call me back,i wasnt mad at him for that b/c i know his mom hates me and so does his bro,and his dad is his moms little doll to play with and "is a good little boy and does what hes told".so they never tell him i call.but anyway.so we're talking and having a good old time and some how we got on the subject of "us".and i go "we'er never getting married are we?"and he goes "no,did you think we we'er",me telling the truth"no.but i did along time ago.....but then you stop loving me."and he went off,first of all let me say i was just joking around.but he just lost it,and to tell the truth it shuk me up.and he start talking about how i always did that and he hates when i talk about our past and i shouldnt make fun of it and all this stuff.so me being the hot head i am,went off on him(partly cuz i stop taking my meds and i can feel the depression coming back)so here i go"first of all you dumped me,then when i moved you beged me to come home so i did,then when i get home you tell me you dont love me like that anymore and just want to be friends.i dont know i was really really hurt by you and you know that but im not going to lie and say that i didnt do thinks that hurt you,yes i lied about having a problem,yes i lied when i told you i was clean,and that i wasnt cheating,and that i was eating more that an apple a day and yes i know i hurt you alot but fuck i payed for it and im sorry and even if i do want you back i know better and fuck you for being such a dick b/c the way i deal with it is making fun of it and that makes you mad, fuck you damn it"so then there was a long long silent stillness.(by the way this is all over the phone which makes it all the more sad.)then he said im sorry and we did the ben/lydia think,we act like it never happened.i cant help but to love him,but not in a "i want to marrie you way"but in a "you my bestfriend way,but b/c of that i will always wonder what could have been way"btween him,jesse,and lawernce(whom all over lap each other with some guuys inbetween)i dont know what to do.but i have come to the point where im ok,the look for a guy is over,its done,if a guy comes along,cool,great,ill be happy,but i dont need one.in other news,i maybe start at a job,its in an office.that would be cool,only i have to wear dressy out fits,so good by to my jeans and tee's.oh well the price i will have to pay to get my shit together.