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Growl. I have taken a new liking to that word cause I am so out of it I think I might throw something against the wall. I want to fuckin beat something up and cry until my eyes are red. I hate this; I hate feeling so down when I should smile. People actually told me I looked pretty and now I just feel like shit. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!? Why can’t I be happy? Why do when I write this all down I realize all the little things get to me? I don’t understand, I feel so naïve. I feel so confused and behind the light. I feel like I am no standing right there, like I am not even here. Like when I talk, it isn’t me talking, just my mind thinking aloud. I dunno why but I don’t feel like this is me, these thoughts? It’s like reading a book in first person.
You get to know what they are thinking and doing, but they are just simply not you. I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I won’t. I can’t. No matter what I do I will be plagued with my own paranoia and my own will to hide what I want. I am tired of acting like I don’t care, tired of acting like I am no good, years of making myself believe I am not good enough. Everyone around me could accept me or not, but it was my standards that I never reached. It was myself that I had always failed, my own desire to win and to become something just right. I try so hard… I’ll get there eventually, but with everything I hate to wait. It’d be nice to have a lot of things but life isn’t perfect so when I get where I wanna be I’ll be there, but trying wears me out like crazy. I try so hard to go from the little girl who can’t even look up at people when she talks to wanting to talk with a lot more people.
I reflect too much for my own good, I want to live life while it’s right here in front of me, getting it together and moving on past all my doubts is my biggest fear. It’s sad how I can say all this and yet I won’t be able to move at all -.- bye
You get to know what they are thinking and doing, but they are just simply not you. I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I won’t. I can’t. No matter what I do I will be plagued with my own paranoia and my own will to hide what I want. I am tired of acting like I don’t care, tired of acting like I am no good, years of making myself believe I am not good enough. Everyone around me could accept me or not, but it was my standards that I never reached. It was myself that I had always failed, my own desire to win and to become something just right. I try so hard… I’ll get there eventually, but with everything I hate to wait. It’d be nice to have a lot of things but life isn’t perfect so when I get where I wanna be I’ll be there, but trying wears me out like crazy. I try so hard to go from the little girl who can’t even look up at people when she talks to wanting to talk with a lot more people.
I reflect too much for my own good, I want to live life while it’s right here in front of me, getting it together and moving on past all my doubts is my biggest fear. It’s sad how I can say all this and yet I won’t be able to move at all -.- bye