(no subject)
She came into the store today. I didn't know what to do. I don't know if anyone noticed (I think Ira and Steph might have) but I couldn't stop shaking. I went on doing my work, but I was in a zone. I was on automatic. I don't know what I would have done if I had been at the register at the time. Or if she had come in earlier in the day.
I think that maybe the best thing for me to do would be to try and talk to her, or write her a letter or something. My fear is that she'll kill me (though I guess that's not too likely) but other than that I really don't have anything to lose given that she already hates me. I talk a lot of shit about not wanting things to be weird between us and not wanting her to hate me quite so much but so far I haven't really done much to resolve the situation. The first time we met I was friendly to her and tried to join in on a conversation she was having with some people, but I didn't get much of a response. She glared at me a couple times. Since then when we've been around each other I've just tried to pretend that I'm invisible. Being friendly and trying to talk to her like she's anyone else is actually easier than being invisible. Feeling like I have to be invisible makes me feel extra terrible about myself and the whole situation - worse than I should feel. I shouldn'd feel crawling into a hole and staying there forever because I'm such a terrible human being. I'm not. The reality is that she and I both got screwed over. And if I'm talking to her - about anything - I still feel bad about the whole situation but at least I'm not crawling into a hole. I want things to be better.
But it's amazing how paniced I get around her. 7 hours later and I'm still working it out of my system. I mentioned it to April and she thought that maybe it was a sort of [obscure] peace offering that she showed up, since she knows I work there and if she really wanted to avoid me she could have. I'm not taking it as that, but I won't throw the thought out the window.
When I get paniced like this what I feel like doing - besides talking to someone - is going to bed and sleeping it off. But I couldn't. Instead I sewed for 3 1/2 hours and finished T's sweatshirt. I'm so excited to give it to him! Will he be able to keep it a secret from everyone else? Hope so.
I think that maybe the best thing for me to do would be to try and talk to her, or write her a letter or something. My fear is that she'll kill me (though I guess that's not too likely) but other than that I really don't have anything to lose given that she already hates me. I talk a lot of shit about not wanting things to be weird between us and not wanting her to hate me quite so much but so far I haven't really done much to resolve the situation. The first time we met I was friendly to her and tried to join in on a conversation she was having with some people, but I didn't get much of a response. She glared at me a couple times. Since then when we've been around each other I've just tried to pretend that I'm invisible. Being friendly and trying to talk to her like she's anyone else is actually easier than being invisible. Feeling like I have to be invisible makes me feel extra terrible about myself and the whole situation - worse than I should feel. I shouldn'd feel crawling into a hole and staying there forever because I'm such a terrible human being. I'm not. The reality is that she and I both got screwed over. And if I'm talking to her - about anything - I still feel bad about the whole situation but at least I'm not crawling into a hole. I want things to be better.
But it's amazing how paniced I get around her. 7 hours later and I'm still working it out of my system. I mentioned it to April and she thought that maybe it was a sort of [obscure] peace offering that she showed up, since she knows I work there and if she really wanted to avoid me she could have. I'm not taking it as that, but I won't throw the thought out the window.
When I get paniced like this what I feel like doing - besides talking to someone - is going to bed and sleeping it off. But I couldn't. Instead I sewed for 3 1/2 hours and finished T's sweatshirt. I'm so excited to give it to him! Will he be able to keep it a secret from everyone else? Hope so.