Gender Imprisonment
"Just how I feel...
Sometimes I feel like a lost little boy. Confused and walking through wind and snow with no clue as to which direction to turn. And every now and then there is this gust of wind so hard that just knocks me on my ass that comes out of nowhere.
Sometimes I feel like a little boy trapped in a world that doesn't understand me. I'm just some kid in a candy store with too many choices and only one pick to make...I have to decide what flavor I want, I have to decide what label I get.
Sometimes I feel like a teenage boy just learning how to date, how to love, how to be loved. Everyday I learn something new about the do's and don'ts in relationships. Nobody taught me how to be the man I need to be. I'm about six years behind in the love arena so sometimes all I want to do is play and have fun and not be serious. Maybe I should be serious. The more I grow, the more I feel the need to be a strong man. Sometimes I feel like I am not manly enough. There's only one problem...I'm just a girl and sometimes I really hate that." -D. Fig
My father taught me how to be tough and endure the hard times, but no necessarily how to be strong. My father taught me a lot of things... how to play sports, patience, piousness, and a good attitude, but masculinity was something I felt I needed to learn through my own rite at a young age. My father is a very hard working and educated man that has a wonderful job that allows him to travel throughout the world to impart his knowledge and build machines for others that could not be built otherwise. Hence, my father has always made business trips since I was a young a child and I was regarded myself as the protector and the masculine figure when he was away on business. I don't know how or why this was triggered in me from such a young age, but it was. I would sleep in my father's place in his bed with my mother and I would be overly protective of her while he was away. I would make sure my sisters had money and were also safe while my father was gone. I would make sure that I was masculinity secure. After all, who else in my family would take on such a heavy task?
My parents treated none of us girls like most kids when we were growing up. They taught us to be strong, independent women, who were not afraid to stand alone. My father taught me how to throw a curve ball and my mother told me I could do whatever I wanted, female or not. I dressed up as Dracula for Halloween and I often portrayed Jesus, Daddy, or some other masculine figure when playing pretend with my sisters. My parents always said I was "the boy they never had" since I can remember and that made me happy because I felt like I was somewhat filling a void in their life that needed so badly to be filled. In all, I tried to be the best little boy I could be. So long as my mother recalls and as far as I can remember, I would always tear ribbons out of my hair which my mother placed on me with such pride, and averted anything with frills or lace. By the time I was in the third grade my parents decided I was old enough to pick my own clothes and of course I went straight for the boys' department. I still remember it to this day. After that, my mom started picking out my clothes again until I was 12.
I had to start wearing bras when I was in third grade. I started my period when I was 9 years old, a year later. I was fully developed by the time I was 12. The day I came to the full realization that I had breasts (I was in denial for a long time) and that they would never go away, I went into mourning. I tried taping them down. That didn't help. To this day I still absolutely abhor and loathe the presence of my breasts, much less other women’s. I was a full woman at such a young age but just wanted to be one of the boys. A lot of my peers teased me and would pop my bra straps. I started acting even more masculine and would wear baggy clothes to hide my growing femininity that plagued me so. I knew there was no way I could control this overflowing femininity which physically exuded from me so I had to over compensate in masculine mindsets and mannerisms. I was always sexually attracted to women as long as I could remember but somewhere deep inside of me, something always said not to act on it. My first crush was at 5 years old, on Tiffany Hudson. I always had a thing for black women.
Much like D. Fig, I don't know how to be a man because I've been a "woman" all my life. My dad never took the time to show me things to be a man because I was held to such a standards. I was never given the talks about how to treat women, what to do on a first date, and how to approach sex. I was never given the chance to have locker room talk, be left in charge of my sisters, or taught how to fix a car. Somehow, I feel like if I have been born with the right equipment then my father would have taught me more of life's lessons that I feel like I still need to know. So in some ways, I feel like I never really had a father growing up. I guess that's maybe what some men of single mothers feel like. There are some things about being man that should be taught but you have to learn on your own because no one is there to show you otherwise. In terms of men, I'm far from the most masculine but I have taught myself through my own experiences and conscience how to be kind to women, how to fix things, how to be resourceful, and most importantly to be courageous.
Yet no matter what I or anyone else knows or feels, there are some things I could just never come to terms with. I know that trans people are still regarded as mentally ill and that's something I could never reconcile in my own mind "if" I were of such terms. Maybe that's pretty cowardly or just another example of me avoiding the obvious but its much too hard to comprehend the reality of it all.
I have an affinity for drag and an incurable curiosity about trans men. I have way too much on my mind with far too little answers or closure.
Oh, my Desilu all I can think of now is "Clocks" by Coldplay. That's the best I can give to us both.
Sometimes I feel like a lost little boy. Confused and walking through wind and snow with no clue as to which direction to turn. And every now and then there is this gust of wind so hard that just knocks me on my ass that comes out of nowhere.
Sometimes I feel like a little boy trapped in a world that doesn't understand me. I'm just some kid in a candy store with too many choices and only one pick to make...I have to decide what flavor I want, I have to decide what label I get.
Sometimes I feel like a teenage boy just learning how to date, how to love, how to be loved. Everyday I learn something new about the do's and don'ts in relationships. Nobody taught me how to be the man I need to be. I'm about six years behind in the love arena so sometimes all I want to do is play and have fun and not be serious. Maybe I should be serious. The more I grow, the more I feel the need to be a strong man. Sometimes I feel like I am not manly enough. There's only one problem...I'm just a girl and sometimes I really hate that." -D. Fig
My father taught me how to be tough and endure the hard times, but no necessarily how to be strong. My father taught me a lot of things... how to play sports, patience, piousness, and a good attitude, but masculinity was something I felt I needed to learn through my own rite at a young age. My father is a very hard working and educated man that has a wonderful job that allows him to travel throughout the world to impart his knowledge and build machines for others that could not be built otherwise. Hence, my father has always made business trips since I was a young a child and I was regarded myself as the protector and the masculine figure when he was away on business. I don't know how or why this was triggered in me from such a young age, but it was. I would sleep in my father's place in his bed with my mother and I would be overly protective of her while he was away. I would make sure my sisters had money and were also safe while my father was gone. I would make sure that I was masculinity secure. After all, who else in my family would take on such a heavy task?
My parents treated none of us girls like most kids when we were growing up. They taught us to be strong, independent women, who were not afraid to stand alone. My father taught me how to throw a curve ball and my mother told me I could do whatever I wanted, female or not. I dressed up as Dracula for Halloween and I often portrayed Jesus, Daddy, or some other masculine figure when playing pretend with my sisters. My parents always said I was "the boy they never had" since I can remember and that made me happy because I felt like I was somewhat filling a void in their life that needed so badly to be filled. In all, I tried to be the best little boy I could be. So long as my mother recalls and as far as I can remember, I would always tear ribbons out of my hair which my mother placed on me with such pride, and averted anything with frills or lace. By the time I was in the third grade my parents decided I was old enough to pick my own clothes and of course I went straight for the boys' department. I still remember it to this day. After that, my mom started picking out my clothes again until I was 12.
I had to start wearing bras when I was in third grade. I started my period when I was 9 years old, a year later. I was fully developed by the time I was 12. The day I came to the full realization that I had breasts (I was in denial for a long time) and that they would never go away, I went into mourning. I tried taping them down. That didn't help. To this day I still absolutely abhor and loathe the presence of my breasts, much less other women’s. I was a full woman at such a young age but just wanted to be one of the boys. A lot of my peers teased me and would pop my bra straps. I started acting even more masculine and would wear baggy clothes to hide my growing femininity that plagued me so. I knew there was no way I could control this overflowing femininity which physically exuded from me so I had to over compensate in masculine mindsets and mannerisms. I was always sexually attracted to women as long as I could remember but somewhere deep inside of me, something always said not to act on it. My first crush was at 5 years old, on Tiffany Hudson. I always had a thing for black women.
Much like D. Fig, I don't know how to be a man because I've been a "woman" all my life. My dad never took the time to show me things to be a man because I was held to such a standards. I was never given the talks about how to treat women, what to do on a first date, and how to approach sex. I was never given the chance to have locker room talk, be left in charge of my sisters, or taught how to fix a car. Somehow, I feel like if I have been born with the right equipment then my father would have taught me more of life's lessons that I feel like I still need to know. So in some ways, I feel like I never really had a father growing up. I guess that's maybe what some men of single mothers feel like. There are some things about being man that should be taught but you have to learn on your own because no one is there to show you otherwise. In terms of men, I'm far from the most masculine but I have taught myself through my own experiences and conscience how to be kind to women, how to fix things, how to be resourceful, and most importantly to be courageous.
Yet no matter what I or anyone else knows or feels, there are some things I could just never come to terms with. I know that trans people are still regarded as mentally ill and that's something I could never reconcile in my own mind "if" I were of such terms. Maybe that's pretty cowardly or just another example of me avoiding the obvious but its much too hard to comprehend the reality of it all.
I have an affinity for drag and an incurable curiosity about trans men. I have way too much on my mind with far too little answers or closure.
Oh, my Desilu all I can think of now is "Clocks" by Coldplay. That's the best I can give to us both.