(no subject)
I can't sleep. I tried watching the Moulin Rouge (which just made me more upset), reading (which peaked my curiosity), and praying. I became so upset in just a matter of moments. I wish I had never even talked on the phone with my mom tonight. Its not that she made me upset, just what she had to tell me. Evidently my attorney has been calling the house and wants to see me Monday. Part of me just wants to drop all of this and pretend like it never happened. Pretend being the operative word. Yeah, I'm scarred but I'm not wounded. I don't even think about it every day anymore; not even once a week. I have a few irrational fears now, but I'm working on them and trying to overcome them... or at least get back to where I was before this happened.
As I mentioned before, I talked with Desiree a while yesterday. Today is her birthday, which she reminded me. I just lost track of time. Then I realized something; yesterday was the second year anniversary of the end of her and I. Ironically enough, I also had my first date with my current lady of interest yesterday. I feel like my life is becoming some sort of representation of an Eastern theology; what not with all of these beginnings and endings meeting each other... endings prevailing. One of Desiree's lizards died. She said she tried her hardest to nurse it back to life but to no avail. Maybe another irony of that day. I'd like to think so anyways. She said yesterday was horrible and all I could think about was my pain in the past on the same day. Its all allegory. Seriously, I was just thinking the other day how narcissistic I am when it comes to that girl. Somehow or another, I always think everything comes back to me, when it just doesn't. I'm ashamed of my emotions, even if they are wearily uncontrollable at times. I'm just silly.
So here I sit at 1:48 am listening to depressing music, thinking harder about the things I can't control while neglecting the ones I need to be focused on. I guess... no, I don't guess; I know. I know that I feel like part of me is still longing to die. Yes, I realize how crazy that sounds. I want to kill who I used to be. I can't hide my past or run away from it, but I want to kill that person. With all this talk of court just reminds me part of the old me still has to linger on, helplessly. All the addictions, hate, blasphemy, and self loathing is out of me... so why must I keep being reminded of it? There are places in Perry I don't even go anymore. People I avoid. And, when I do wind up at these places and see those people, I feel all of the evil start to seep towards me. I know the cold stares of disgust and want of inflicting harm to me. I know the feeling of hatred, given and received. I know what it is to be a raw human being, sinful and scathed. I know what all of it is.
As I mentioned before, I talked with Desiree a while yesterday. Today is her birthday, which she reminded me. I just lost track of time. Then I realized something; yesterday was the second year anniversary of the end of her and I. Ironically enough, I also had my first date with my current lady of interest yesterday. I feel like my life is becoming some sort of representation of an Eastern theology; what not with all of these beginnings and endings meeting each other... endings prevailing. One of Desiree's lizards died. She said she tried her hardest to nurse it back to life but to no avail. Maybe another irony of that day. I'd like to think so anyways. She said yesterday was horrible and all I could think about was my pain in the past on the same day. Its all allegory. Seriously, I was just thinking the other day how narcissistic I am when it comes to that girl. Somehow or another, I always think everything comes back to me, when it just doesn't. I'm ashamed of my emotions, even if they are wearily uncontrollable at times. I'm just silly.
So here I sit at 1:48 am listening to depressing music, thinking harder about the things I can't control while neglecting the ones I need to be focused on. I guess... no, I don't guess; I know. I know that I feel like part of me is still longing to die. Yes, I realize how crazy that sounds. I want to kill who I used to be. I can't hide my past or run away from it, but I want to kill that person. With all this talk of court just reminds me part of the old me still has to linger on, helplessly. All the addictions, hate, blasphemy, and self loathing is out of me... so why must I keep being reminded of it? There are places in Perry I don't even go anymore. People I avoid. And, when I do wind up at these places and see those people, I feel all of the evil start to seep towards me. I know the cold stares of disgust and want of inflicting harm to me. I know the feeling of hatred, given and received. I know what it is to be a raw human being, sinful and scathed. I know what all of it is.