blah, and a whole lot of it.
I've been feeling that way since Spring Break ended. Such a tease. I feel like I have senioritis all over again. I think I had an anxiety attack earlier this week, but I'm not sure. So many things were on my mind. Due dates, exams, particles, and mainly things that I shouldn't really worry about until the last week of school. I'll worry anyway.
It occurred to me the other day, that putting so much effort into something that you already know is broken seems silly. Futile even. I realize, the idea behind this stupidity is based solely on "theory", and the reason behind it is "theorized" as well. I wish I could find a better word for stupid, but I can't think of one right now.
Things are changing, quickly--and I know these kinds of changes mean it will never be the same again. It won't feel the same...at least so I'm told. I'm finding more reasons to hate myself. My self esteem has plummeted and I felt like I had my freshman year of high school. I was no one, except back then, I didn't care. I never cared about anyone or anything, just grades. There was always something to look forward too isn't there? At the time it was like, whoo, I get to leave Winter Haven and go to College! Now it' like. . . so after college, what happens then? I guess I haven't really thought that much further ahead.
I feel stuck, but not in a good place. Complacency. A plateau. I'm on a plateau and doing nothing progressive. It's like knowing the day you're going to die, anticipating it. waiting, waiting, and counting off the days just to see how much closer you are, but you don't do anything about it y'know? I can't describe the feeling anymore than that. Yeah, it's pretty dramatic, but it almost feels like something to that extent. Almost.
I also feel like I've been lying for awhile. Not just to him. maybe to myself. I'm not sure if I'm actually happy anymore. I'd like to think that I am. Also, it never occurred to me that I wasn't until after spring break. I like comfort. I liked being comfortable. I like alot of feel-good things. Who wouldn't? Maybe I'm not supposed to have them in order to understand the truths for being an adult.
On top of that, I feel bad as a person. I think I've been a crappy roommate lately. Messy, loud and absent-minded. The kind of traits I would probably hate if I knew a person like that. Now I'm slacking at a student too. I'm getting irritated more easily. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what I want anymore.
I used to laugh at myself. Thinking about things only surface deep. Yeah, maybe I'll get married, have the cookie cutter house, with the white picket fence and 2.3 kids American dream right? It doesn't sound that bad. Continue this cycle of life and hope to god I don't fuck up. I stepped back a few feet. I don't even know if I want that. I'd like to travel the world. . .I wouldn't even care if I had money or a place to live. I just want to keep moving. Somewhere, anywhere (maybe except for Mexico).
Now I'm probably just being a whole lot of unrealistic now instead.
It occurred to me the other day, that putting so much effort into something that you already know is broken seems silly. Futile even. I realize, the idea behind this stupidity is based solely on "theory", and the reason behind it is "theorized" as well. I wish I could find a better word for stupid, but I can't think of one right now.
Things are changing, quickly--and I know these kinds of changes mean it will never be the same again. It won't feel the same...at least so I'm told. I'm finding more reasons to hate myself. My self esteem has plummeted and I felt like I had my freshman year of high school. I was no one, except back then, I didn't care. I never cared about anyone or anything, just grades. There was always something to look forward too isn't there? At the time it was like, whoo, I get to leave Winter Haven and go to College! Now it' like. . . so after college, what happens then? I guess I haven't really thought that much further ahead.
I feel stuck, but not in a good place. Complacency. A plateau. I'm on a plateau and doing nothing progressive. It's like knowing the day you're going to die, anticipating it. waiting, waiting, and counting off the days just to see how much closer you are, but you don't do anything about it y'know? I can't describe the feeling anymore than that. Yeah, it's pretty dramatic, but it almost feels like something to that extent. Almost.
I also feel like I've been lying for awhile. Not just to him. maybe to myself. I'm not sure if I'm actually happy anymore. I'd like to think that I am. Also, it never occurred to me that I wasn't until after spring break. I like comfort. I liked being comfortable. I like alot of feel-good things. Who wouldn't? Maybe I'm not supposed to have them in order to understand the truths for being an adult.
On top of that, I feel bad as a person. I think I've been a crappy roommate lately. Messy, loud and absent-minded. The kind of traits I would probably hate if I knew a person like that. Now I'm slacking at a student too. I'm getting irritated more easily. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what I want anymore.
I used to laugh at myself. Thinking about things only surface deep. Yeah, maybe I'll get married, have the cookie cutter house, with the white picket fence and 2.3 kids American dream right? It doesn't sound that bad. Continue this cycle of life and hope to god I don't fuck up. I stepped back a few feet. I don't even know if I want that. I'd like to travel the world. . .I wouldn't even care if I had money or a place to live. I just want to keep moving. Somewhere, anywhere (maybe except for Mexico).
Now I'm probably just being a whole lot of unrealistic now instead.