took awhile
but you probably know why. I seldom update unless I have an actual update or something to feel depressed about. and yes, it's the latter. I realize, yes it's a terrible thing to bottle all those little things that eat away at you all the time because it's supposed to blow up in your face--despite the fact that you know that and yet it keeps happening for the very same reasons. I really just can't explain why I can't change that fact. I feel powerless as to change that fact, like yes, I am technically royally fucked from the start, but that someone is right, I should at least try to make a difference. . .
I have never had someone hang up on me on the phone like that in a long time. It probably wasn't worth it after I accidentally stabbed in the back, which was more likely in their face because of my own insecurities. I don't think it's really worth losing that person, although I think they might be happier without me randomly mood swinging from happy to manic depressive. Maybe they are right, I tend to skew meanings on my own, and not think through what people have said and what they had originally meant. I'm sure this is all going nowhere fast.
I know what the problem is, I think. I know that shouldn't ignore it anymore, but the fact of the matter is, I don't think it will make a difference other than to make my life or someone else's more complicated and more likely depressing.
I've been throwing away many old things I seldom need anymore--like things from highschool, old textbooks that I'll never read again, chemistry notes, SAT prep pages, French IV work books, all gone. They're taking up space. It almost seems like a metaphor in life, having to get rid of old to make room for the new. I wonder if it will translate to people.
I always say there is a maybe in life because life tends to work on a two way street if I recall. So it can pull you left or right, or you could be left standing there waiting for the cross walk sign to change signals. You don't really know--or do you? Maybe, maybe isn't good enough. There are no "maybe's", and only conclusions. Someone I know doesn't like the sound of "maybe's" coming from me. Being indefinite of an answer is probably their biggest unspoken pet peeve--which oughta make me the best supply of it. I tend to rest on the maybe because I'm not so surefooted to cross the street without the signal telling me it's okay to go. I like reassurance, I mean, who doesn't? Yet I suppose it might be a different street, where you might only make the slightest chance to cross the street before it's obscured by traffic--then you have no other choice but to find a different route there and find the long way around, else not go there at all and forget about.I feel like I was on my way there and accidentally hailed over a taxi and considered making a few stops before coming back. Only problem is, I don't know if that street will still be there for me to return to?
Life is not a box of chocolates, chocolates are always yummy.
I think that I have a lot of things to think about. I know I'm not in the right mindset right now to sort it all out. a) I'm emotional b) frustrated and c) tired. It's not worth losing the time, effort, memories and anything else I've had so far.
but I know I need time to figure it out without feeling judged.
I have never had someone hang up on me on the phone like that in a long time. It probably wasn't worth it after I accidentally stabbed in the back, which was more likely in their face because of my own insecurities. I don't think it's really worth losing that person, although I think they might be happier without me randomly mood swinging from happy to manic depressive. Maybe they are right, I tend to skew meanings on my own, and not think through what people have said and what they had originally meant. I'm sure this is all going nowhere fast.
I know what the problem is, I think. I know that shouldn't ignore it anymore, but the fact of the matter is, I don't think it will make a difference other than to make my life or someone else's more complicated and more likely depressing.
I've been throwing away many old things I seldom need anymore--like things from highschool, old textbooks that I'll never read again, chemistry notes, SAT prep pages, French IV work books, all gone. They're taking up space. It almost seems like a metaphor in life, having to get rid of old to make room for the new. I wonder if it will translate to people.
I always say there is a maybe in life because life tends to work on a two way street if I recall. So it can pull you left or right, or you could be left standing there waiting for the cross walk sign to change signals. You don't really know--or do you? Maybe, maybe isn't good enough. There are no "maybe's", and only conclusions. Someone I know doesn't like the sound of "maybe's" coming from me. Being indefinite of an answer is probably their biggest unspoken pet peeve--which oughta make me the best supply of it. I tend to rest on the maybe because I'm not so surefooted to cross the street without the signal telling me it's okay to go. I like reassurance, I mean, who doesn't? Yet I suppose it might be a different street, where you might only make the slightest chance to cross the street before it's obscured by traffic--then you have no other choice but to find a different route there and find the long way around, else not go there at all and forget about.I feel like I was on my way there and accidentally hailed over a taxi and considered making a few stops before coming back. Only problem is, I don't know if that street will still be there for me to return to?
Life is not a box of chocolates, chocolates are always yummy.
I think that I have a lot of things to think about. I know I'm not in the right mindset right now to sort it all out. a) I'm emotional b) frustrated and c) tired. It's not worth losing the time, effort, memories and anything else I've had so far.
but I know I need time to figure it out without feeling judged.