Nov 30, 2006 23:52
It's going to be another long night. Once again for the passed couple of nights I haven't been able to sleep very well because my mind is buzzing. It never stops and it's driving me crazy! I'm taking way too many things to heart and I don't know what to do to stop it. It's just the way I am. I'm stubborn as hell and it could be I believe that what I think is right. Well, on certain subjects anyway. Some of the things that I'm upset about are other things that others could just as easily get upset about.
There are days where wanting to cut are stronger than ever. I'm doing what I can to keep the promise I made a while ago even though the promises that have been made to me have been broken numerous times. For those, I can't turn away and leave. My love is too strong and I know that if things are seriously worked on, we can get over those obsticals. For those reasons, it's why I never want to be away from home because I know that it would happen or even be a thought. The Lord and Lady have given me special gifts, even though sometimes being able to do what I can, hurts. Could this be a test?
Will I be able to trust again? I've been lied to so many times and it continues to happen. Yet, I'm still here. I cannot leave. I've given my heart and no matter how many times it has been shattered, I continue to pick up the pieces and keep on going. All I long for is attention and perhaps that is the reason why I am able to deal with the things that arise. Deep down though, how can I say what I'm putting here? My heart is so fragile, and I wouldn't be able to stand the look I would get.
I'm asking for trust and loyalty. Right now I'm feeling like such a screw up. It seems like the dreams that I'm reaching for are just funny things that will never happen. I'm feeling like such a screw up. Currently I'm jobless because I got lied to at the place that I applied at. It hurts and now I'm finding it difficult to get up and go to get another job. What I've wanted was to become a mother. Stay at home with the kids. But, that sounds like some fairytale.
There are days were I just want to become infertile. Everytime I mention the word "kids" people always freak out and say I'm too young. That may the truth, but why do I feel ready? Yes, my life has been a screw up, but then why am I longing for children? Would it set me straight? I don't know.
Ray is in bed. He knows I'm upset, but just lays there and tries to sleep. I hate getting ignored, so I came out here to write my feelings down in this journal. Maybe sometime I'll look back on this and figure out what the hell is wrong.