(no subject)
Why is it that ex-girlfriends always jump back into the picture when things seem to be going places? Ok so maybe neither of us is ready for a relationship. And maybe we're both so broken we can barely take care of ourselves. But still, the moment she talks to him, he gets distant. From me that is. I started to let myself go, to let myself feel something other than pure...nothing. Other than letting myself be treated like shit. To like myself. To know that even though I feel crazy sometimes, I'm his kind of crazy. Maybe I'm too crazy. Or maybe I'm just lost and shattered, that for anyone or anything to hurt me, even minutely, I get my defenses up. My wall. I'm building it as I type this. I mean, I'm sick of hurting, so why not distance myself before it happens. How about after this weekend. I just stop trying to talk to him...or any other guy for that matter. Because seriously? At 22 I am so incredibly jaded it's scary. I mean the guy I've loved for years is married but you know after him telling me he loved me. The guy, who is absolutely nothing like Andee, and everything different that I like, is...so far away.
I want.
I want a guy who will listen to country music with me. Who will play video games and sit and read next to me. Who will hold me and expect nothing from me that I can't give him. I want to be able to riff on movies and music. To make stupid jokes and he'll still laugh because he thinks how cute it is that I'm trying to be funny when I'm not really. Who will call and it will seem natural and not awkward. When I sing a song that isn't fit for my voice he doesn't care and sings too. I want a love that isn't fleeting, that will last for more than a year. Who won't cheat or be an emotional fucker. Who will see I'm broken and in tatters and that that is ok. Because he loves me anyway.
But what I want is very different than anything I've ever had.
But as I go, I seem to be able to get closer and closer with each guy. But a swing and a miss. Because nothing comes of it, ever.
And always I feel like I'm getting farther and farther away from everything that ever made sense. Yes I know. Love isn't supposed to make sense. But love also isn't supposed to beat you so mercilessly into the ground. Which is unfortunate and also my predicament.
Do I deserve it?
I want to say no. But what have I ever done that proves I deserve better. Have I saved someones life? Nope, can barely save my own. Have I been kind? Unlikely. Only to people I feel deserve my kindness. Did I torment people? No. For certain I can say I have not.
Is it my lot in life to suffer?
Maybe. It makes the most sense I'd think. I mean my parents divorced young. 2 unsuccessful kidnap attempts. Sexual Assault. The fact that almost every guy I've know has found some way to use me for sex(thought I didn't really stop them). People in constant need to kick me when I'm down. And now at 22, almost 23 now that I think about...when my sister was 23 she was happily married. Was having a kid. What do I have besides friends? Nothing really. And don't get me wrong. My friends mean the world to me. But I need...more. There's gotta be something more than this. Because if there isn't...well I can't think like that. It's unhealthy.
Where I Want To Be
I'd rather be in Paris
The city of love
And meet on a bridge
That special someone.
I'd rather be in London
Under an umbrella
Running down the lane
Hand in hand with you.
I'd rather be in New York.
Racing through my life
Finding time for small meetings
In smoke filled cafes
Lit only with small candles.
I'd rather be anywhere
Than sitting here
With no one near.
Where I want to be
Is wrapped in your arms.
All the exotic lands
In one place
around my shoulders.
I want.
I want a guy who will listen to country music with me. Who will play video games and sit and read next to me. Who will hold me and expect nothing from me that I can't give him. I want to be able to riff on movies and music. To make stupid jokes and he'll still laugh because he thinks how cute it is that I'm trying to be funny when I'm not really. Who will call and it will seem natural and not awkward. When I sing a song that isn't fit for my voice he doesn't care and sings too. I want a love that isn't fleeting, that will last for more than a year. Who won't cheat or be an emotional fucker. Who will see I'm broken and in tatters and that that is ok. Because he loves me anyway.
But what I want is very different than anything I've ever had.
But as I go, I seem to be able to get closer and closer with each guy. But a swing and a miss. Because nothing comes of it, ever.
And always I feel like I'm getting farther and farther away from everything that ever made sense. Yes I know. Love isn't supposed to make sense. But love also isn't supposed to beat you so mercilessly into the ground. Which is unfortunate and also my predicament.
Do I deserve it?
I want to say no. But what have I ever done that proves I deserve better. Have I saved someones life? Nope, can barely save my own. Have I been kind? Unlikely. Only to people I feel deserve my kindness. Did I torment people? No. For certain I can say I have not.
Is it my lot in life to suffer?
Maybe. It makes the most sense I'd think. I mean my parents divorced young. 2 unsuccessful kidnap attempts. Sexual Assault. The fact that almost every guy I've know has found some way to use me for sex(thought I didn't really stop them). People in constant need to kick me when I'm down. And now at 22, almost 23 now that I think about...when my sister was 23 she was happily married. Was having a kid. What do I have besides friends? Nothing really. And don't get me wrong. My friends mean the world to me. But I need...more. There's gotta be something more than this. Because if there isn't...well I can't think like that. It's unhealthy.
Where I Want To Be
I'd rather be in Paris
The city of love
And meet on a bridge
That special someone.
I'd rather be in London
Under an umbrella
Running down the lane
Hand in hand with you.
I'd rather be in New York.
Racing through my life
Finding time for small meetings
In smoke filled cafes
Lit only with small candles.
I'd rather be anywhere
Than sitting here
With no one near.
Where I want to be
Is wrapped in your arms.
All the exotic lands
In one place
around my shoulders.