Unexpected feelings.

Jan 18, 2005 22:35

Ah, nothing like a cold one to help wind the day down. Man, never thought I'd hear that from me again. Oh, I guess this must mean I have a drinking problem. Obviously, I must, because I went from straight edge to drinking. Obviously.

Anyway. Yeah. So I don't know how to put the words to the thoughts right now, so I'll just ramble until something matches. Kidding. Nah, I'm feeling this weird middle ground between contentment and mediocrity. I don't want to fall prey, as my motivation is at its minimum as it is. I know I'm not truly happy, but I'm close to becoming a victim of the "it could be worse" syndrome. So what if it could be worse? It's bad right now, and that's no excuse! Well, he does beat her, but at least he hasn't killed her yet, so it could be worse. F*** people who think like that.

While I'm on that somber note, I had a very sobering experience a couple of days ago. I received an ominous message from Shannon leaving me on the edge of my seat until I was able to talk to her. I managed to get in touch with her that night thankfully. While Shannon was on baby leave, there was only one person who could touch my head, her friend Dina, who was recommended to me by Shannon herself. Well, she had ex-boyfriend problems, but I never knew how bad they were. She was shot and killed by her ex, who took the p***y way out and shot himself in the head shortly afterward. I'd like to think I'll see him someday. Now, she was never a close friend, but a friend none the less, and someone I met and spoke with often, getting a hair cut from her or not. She was a great person, and a really good conversationalist (comes with the territory I suppose), and someone that made you feel good just by talking to her. It was surreal when it hit, the realization that this actually happened. It was a shot to the midsection that left me stunned. Now, don't get me wrong, I miss her, and it was s***ty what happened, but I think the realization that she was real to me and now she's no longer with us that really shook me up. That whole 'mortality' thing. I know, I know, I'm in the damn military, my brethren are falling every day, but I never met them. They personally mean nothing to me. Dina, she was a real person to me. It's still got me spooked. Like when it was getting late and my mind was wondering (as she always does) and I start to imagine what those last moments were like ... gah.

Some good did come out of it all though. This incident was the last straw in that region of Connecticut, and now they've formed a special Domestic Violence section of the police force up there. NYC's had one for some time now, and I just took it for granted. I keep forgetting that other parts of the country are not so fortunate. So now at least her death will not be in vain ... I hope.

Another night, another load of random vivid forget-them-in-the-morning dreams. The only part I remember is I spent most of the with Heather. This i becoming quite bothersome. I'm a creature of obsession, and it becomes a need after a point, and I don't have any obsessions right now. Shannon was the reigning queen as far as longevity, but not that she's a mom, and well on her way to be married, and I (gasp) approve of him, she's faded as potential reality. Laura took the throne and held it well, leading me around like a dog on a leash (Ok, it was more of me leading myself, but she helped!) but I've grown sick of that. So I found myself a worshiper without a goddess. A few have come and gone, but none have had that lasting effect. Well, not that I've let anyone, but I don't know if it's me having higher standards or being afraid of constant letdown. But now that Heather seems to rule my subconscious, but I ignore her day to day, is this me telling myself something? I mean, I know things wouldn't work out, but is this my inner passion crying out to have something to release itself upon? Nah, that sounds too p***y. I probably never let go from when we dated in high school. I don't know. None the less, I'm probably going to be drunk by the time I get to sleep, so I'm hoping for some good dreams. Drunk dreams are almost always the best. Oh yeah, I've been getting more intoxicated as this entry continues, can you tell? I know Aaron can, he's watching me.

Yuck, I just spilled beer on the desk. So I clean it up, and return with a carton of goldfish. Not the brightest idea, but I've got them now, so I'm going to enjoy them.

I think it's about time I hit the sack. Yeah, it's about that time. But first, my new favorite past time, drunken dialing! And to all a good fright.

'til all are one!
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