(no subject)
I hate feeling so down all the time.
I feel that all I can do is be sad and miss Tom and not open my eyes and realize that he's really not all that important anymore. I knew, and he knew, that something was lacking, but I'm in such denial that I feel like he's personally insulting me. Which he is... He's hanging out with my best friend, and he's a pussy. He doesn't fucking call me, he has no balls to. He only called to eat dinner with me and Kelly and Dad because his Dad pushed him to. I can't stand how he's humble. I hated using the "p" word but it describes him. She came waltzing back into his life because he's a rebound for her. He wasn't really a rebound for me from Steve. Tom started to mean a lot more than he probably should have, and I don't understand how we can go from seeing each other 6 days a week, him calling me, him seeming so happy with everything, all our friends dating each other and encouraging him to be with me, to him spending one week with his ex and suddenly it's "screw Meredith because she's a ragdoll and can be tossed around" attitude.
I've never felt this kind of insult or rage. Steve- I was just depressed and I couldn't comprehend a lot of things about him. Hell, he's not getting much better because he's been pissing me off too lately. He just doesn't know this, and won't.
But my stomach twinges every time I think about Tom and how I gave myself to him- I did. I gave my everything to him, in hopes that maybe if I did, that would help things. And it didn't. All it did was gain another broken heart for me and one hell of a self-conscious and bruised ego. I thought I'd be okay. And for a few days, I was, because Steve came back into play. But I hang out with my friends, who are all friends with Tom, and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I LOVE my friends, they all make me so happy, but whenever we're all together, and me and Tom are in the same room together, I can feel everyone's eyes wary on me and him- moreso me.
I couldn't stay at the party the other week. Tom was there for awhile in the beginning, and I had originally meant to get with his brother at that party to be completely honest. But then his brother somehow paired off with Dan's sister Becky whom I love to death, so I left that alone completely. Tom was leaving the party, and came over to me to hug me, and we hugged and then.. kissed. Like, COME ON. He then was like... Just don't molest my brother tonight, okay? He was joking I'm sure, but I know it would have hurt him if I did. And I wanted to. But I gave him a look that said "you know better than that to say that to me" and kissed him.
I hate him, because after he left, I realized that there were 4 couples at the party. And I would have slept alone. I stood outside and bawled my eyes out because I miss having someone more than anything. Antoinette, Kelly and Dan came outside and took me back to the college because I couldn't stay there.
I just hate always having to pretend I'm happy, when inside I'm dying more and more everyday. Tom ruined me more than Steve ever could. This is the worst hurt I've felt, and now I know how his "psycho-ex" Kelsey feels when he never calls, he doesn't give her answers, and the fact that he broke her in half too.
MEN FREAKIN SUCK.
I feel that all I can do is be sad and miss Tom and not open my eyes and realize that he's really not all that important anymore. I knew, and he knew, that something was lacking, but I'm in such denial that I feel like he's personally insulting me. Which he is... He's hanging out with my best friend, and he's a pussy. He doesn't fucking call me, he has no balls to. He only called to eat dinner with me and Kelly and Dad because his Dad pushed him to. I can't stand how he's humble. I hated using the "p" word but it describes him. She came waltzing back into his life because he's a rebound for her. He wasn't really a rebound for me from Steve. Tom started to mean a lot more than he probably should have, and I don't understand how we can go from seeing each other 6 days a week, him calling me, him seeming so happy with everything, all our friends dating each other and encouraging him to be with me, to him spending one week with his ex and suddenly it's "screw Meredith because she's a ragdoll and can be tossed around" attitude.
I've never felt this kind of insult or rage. Steve- I was just depressed and I couldn't comprehend a lot of things about him. Hell, he's not getting much better because he's been pissing me off too lately. He just doesn't know this, and won't.
But my stomach twinges every time I think about Tom and how I gave myself to him- I did. I gave my everything to him, in hopes that maybe if I did, that would help things. And it didn't. All it did was gain another broken heart for me and one hell of a self-conscious and bruised ego. I thought I'd be okay. And for a few days, I was, because Steve came back into play. But I hang out with my friends, who are all friends with Tom, and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I LOVE my friends, they all make me so happy, but whenever we're all together, and me and Tom are in the same room together, I can feel everyone's eyes wary on me and him- moreso me.
I couldn't stay at the party the other week. Tom was there for awhile in the beginning, and I had originally meant to get with his brother at that party to be completely honest. But then his brother somehow paired off with Dan's sister Becky whom I love to death, so I left that alone completely. Tom was leaving the party, and came over to me to hug me, and we hugged and then.. kissed. Like, COME ON. He then was like... Just don't molest my brother tonight, okay? He was joking I'm sure, but I know it would have hurt him if I did. And I wanted to. But I gave him a look that said "you know better than that to say that to me" and kissed him.
I hate him, because after he left, I realized that there were 4 couples at the party. And I would have slept alone. I stood outside and bawled my eyes out because I miss having someone more than anything. Antoinette, Kelly and Dan came outside and took me back to the college because I couldn't stay there.
I just hate always having to pretend I'm happy, when inside I'm dying more and more everyday. Tom ruined me more than Steve ever could. This is the worst hurt I've felt, and now I know how his "psycho-ex" Kelsey feels when he never calls, he doesn't give her answers, and the fact that he broke her in half too.
MEN FREAKIN SUCK.