2010: A Year in Review
I haven't posted here in months, but today I feel the need to say something, to put my story out into the universe, to have a little show and tell for the fates of what my year has been like. And since I am pretty well unable to say most of this to the people I'd like to say it to, it made the most sense to put it here so that it's at least not zinging about my head, driving me crazy, and making me want to punch something with a hand I can't use.
Disclaimer: This is going to be somewhat bitter, and maybe a little sarcastic. I feel entitled to that. If you don't agree or like it, well you don't have to read it then, do you? But also, it will - hopefully - end with positivity and a new outlook on things.
But first: Allow me to update in a short summary the way my life has developed since I fell off the LJ bandwagon oh-so-long-ago.
- I quit my assistant manager position in September of 2008, mostly to focus on school, and because I was rather miserable. (I would not dream of putting myself back in the situation, but knowing what I know now, if I could go back, I would have stuck it out.)
- After finishing the necessary classes for my (what has proved to be) completely useless associates degree in Performing Arts, I began the long and hard search for new employment.
- I ended up working at Panera as a bakery opener. I loved my job, but was consistently getting sent home early because business was slow, and was not getting the full time hours I was guaranteed, so...
- I was proposed to, said yes, and then...
- I found a new job, far better paying, more soul satisfying, but with the downside of a hefty commute. I currently am still in this position, working as a Direct Care Aide at a day program for the developmentally disabled.
- My plan here was as follows: Work hard, pay off some debts, save for the wedding, get through the wedding, go back to school because by then I should know what I want to do.
- In the year of 2009, I discovered many, many things, and wanted to leave my job often, but stuck it out regardless... The wedding was planned for February 4, 2010.
Leading up to my wedding, I learned a lot about people, friendships, myself, and life. Everything came together perfectly, and I had an amazing wedding (on a small budget, no less!), but I ended up with a lot of fallout mess to clean up afterward. Like I said, I learned a lot.
The money was all gone, so there was no honeymoon. Someday I'll get one, I'm sure. Oh well. I'll survive.
I went back to work a happily married woman, and was in a good place, even though I didn't care for my company (Read: company, not the work itself). I had long since found a friend who helped me deal with the politics on a day-to-day basis, and without that I don't think I would have made it so far. God bless him.
Life was shuffling along at it's regular pace, crappy work days for both my husband and I, but we were both generally happy with life.
Then, in that strange shift between spring and summer, there was a parallel strange shift in our lives. My husband was edging dangerously on involvement in an emotional affair with his best friends' wife. He didn't realize it, I sort of saw it but didn't think much of it, until one day it all exploded over a string of text messages that said a lot more than the words they contained.
I could delve very deeply into this, but I will spare you. To make a long story short, I pulled away from those friendships, albeit painfully, after realizing that this woman was not only someone who I really didn't care for at all, but someone whom I couldn't trust who refused to admit she'd done anything even remotely wrong.
Sorry, honey. Don't search for your emotional connection with my husband because you don't have one with your own. Maybe if you weren't so difficult to live with, your husband might actually like you, as opposed to simply feeling responsible for you because he signed a contract. Don't need people like you in my life. Bye.
Unfortunately, she is not a quitter. Somehow, she thought I was still taking time and healing, when really I'd simply decided there wasn't a friendship there worth saving anyway. No one can like you until you like yourself, and she had a long, long way to go. Now let me be clear here: I did not give my husband an ultimatum.
I don't believe in forcing people to make choices, and this friend was like family to him. I learned to deal with their interactions, I simply chose not to be involved. He himself chose to pull away from her more, and focus more on his friendship with her husband, because that's the one that was most important to him.
Well, she didn't like this. So, with a need to assert her power over my husband (because he once told her if she ever needed anything, he'd always be right there), she asked him to cancel my birthday plans, so that her and her husband could go grocery shopping. [It's important to know that Jason, my husband, and his friend work together - this means Jason would have to cancel the plans to stay late so his buddy could leave early to go grocery shopping.]
I knew nothing of any of this until afterword, but apparently she threw a tantrum because she didn't get what she wanted, which led to her harassing us on Facebook like the crazy psycho bitch she is.
With that, Jason was done, as he put it. The friendship was over. She backpedaled furiously, to no avail, and then harassed some more. Jason's friend, who we'll refer to as Dickmunch, turned around and told him "We're not friends." Wifey keeps the leash short.
In between all this mess, my brother got married, I undertook a HUGE responsibility at my job that no one else would, and I applied for a promotion to a supervisor position at my job.
The former; excellent. The middle; fine. The latter; worst idea ever.
As it turns out, despite ones' credentials, qualifications, bright ideas, willingness to take on challenges, and great record of employment with the company, getting a promotion is apparently really only about who likes you and being loud.
My manager had selected me for the position indeed, but the Vice President of Affairs apparently wasn't all about it because she thought I was too quiet, yet couldn't find an excuse for her not promote me (because I'd sat in the interview and proved to both of them that I wasn't too quiet...). So what did she do? A day before I was to be offered the position, my manager got sick and had to leave. Seeing the opportunity, the VP went down to HR and convinced them that three people from within the company were too many to promote. The equation should be 2 from inside, 2 from outside. (Mind you, this is a company that advertises the fact that when possible they always promote from within...)
After coercing HR into agreement, the VP went ahead and interviewed and hired the woman who would take my position behind my manager's back, without giving her even so much as a phone call on the subject. She found out when she returned.
I watched the VP give this woman a tour. The two of them smiled at me as I walked down the hall past them. (I honestly had a gut feeling then that something was up, and boy was I ever right.)
So, in short: I rose to a challenge, took a one-on-one who beat the shit out of me for three months straight (for no extra money, might I add. And I refer to these as the good days), showed excellence in what I did, gave a "perfect interview" as my manager described it, to both her and the VP, and somehow still was passed over for a woman who cannot read or write the English language properly (which was a qualification), and sits behind her desk on her cell phone checking her facebook all day, not helping her staff.
But I was just too quiet.
My consolation? Well, my manager told me the truth of the events, in confidence, which we both felt I deserved. Also, I received a grateful thanks for the fact that I handled the bad news & the horrifying politics of it all so gracefully. Isn't that nice? Oh, and the encouragement (read: begging) to apply for the next Supervisor position that opened. Pfft. Sure. Will do.
So I licked my wounds and decided maybe it was time for a new job. Somewhere between interviews, though, my plan changed. I had this little realization: Two jobs would be even better. I decided I would deal with this place as long as I could, and make extra money from a second job. I interviewed and was hired on the spot for a Per Diem position in the same field with a different agency. They were sad I wouldn't leave and come full time, but I wanted to ensure it wasn't more of the same before taking the plunge.
I made an intelligent choice, and how did I get repaid?...
Well, two weeks later, on the fateful morning of October 5, 2010, I foraged ahead and went to work despite my heavy desire to call in, and approximately three hours into my day, an individual sunk her teeth into my right hand (the dominant one) and stayed latched on for about two minutes. Somewhere in this time frame, I attempted the proper SCIP technique, which only resulted in her biting down even harder.
I was out of work for over a month. Couldn't write, couldn't lift, for the first two weeks couldn't really do anything for myself at all. I cried all the time, had to defer student loan payments to get by, and haven't paid a phone bill in two months.
I returned to work on the 15th of November, and it was all I could do not to walk out.
I was handed my review first thing when I arrived; it was fantastic. A 3.5 out 4 (because "nobody is perfect"), and a clause that states when supervisors are absent I am to act in their capacity (isn't that nice?).
Problem: I don't want to, and I am not that person anymore. I used to love my work. I loved that I was helping people, that - even though the company and the politics might suck - I could come home every day and feel like I'd made a difference.
And now? I don't care. The entire place, the individuals, the faces of the staff - it all does no less than to turn my stomach. I hate every last ounce of it.
I ran into one of the parents in the hall on the beginning of my second day back. She absolutely adores me and if she could have it her way no one else would take care of her daughter. She asked where I'd been, I explained, I mentioned that I think it's time for a career change. She responded with the following:
"But these kids need you!"
To which my brain replied: "I don't care. Someone else can do it."
I simply smiled, nodded, and said, "I know, we'll see." and bullshitted something that made her feel better.
Two or three months ago, that comment would have made me proud, would have reminded me why I do what I do. Now, it simply makes me laugh.
It's as if the moment that girl's mouth struck my hand my entire world shifted drastically, but I didn't know it until I'd re-entered the world that I used to be a part of, and felt the overwhelming sense of you don't belong here anymore. Amazing how one small act can have such a big impact.
The rest of that day for me did not go so well. My hand flared up terribly, and it carried over into Wednesday. I ended up leaving early, and after a follow-up with the doctor, it turns out, I was not ready to return, I am not entirely healed, and the bite gave me Tendinitis. I am out again, until December 13th now, and am also seeking therapy for the above related psychological issues. PTSD included, but let's not even get into how I cry when the girl who bit me walks into a room...
And now, to top it all off: My husband, who has been with his job for TEN YEARS, has been the manager, still gets calls to fix problems even the new owners can't solve, and who got Dickmunch the job in the first place and has to fix Dickmunch's fuck-ups, as well, has been passed over for a promotion to Asst. Manager. And you know who got it, of course? The obvious choice: the guy who has been there less than 1 year, spends his time playing video games on the sales floor instead of working, and is continually causing problems that lose money for the store: DICKMUNCH. And you know? Because the owner's girlfriend (who spends her days pretending that she knows how to manage a store) gets along with him better.
So this is what I've learned this year:
- Do everything right, and you get screwed.
- Do everything right, get screwed, and still try to hold out hope? Well then, we'll kick you while your down...or bite you...whatever your preference, really.
- If someone looks crazy and acts crazy, they probably are crazy and you should keep your husband far, far away from them.
- Be careful who you call a friend, and be cautious about working with them.
- Being nice does not get you ahead. The next time you have a video of someone playing video games instead of working, don't "wait for the right time," show the boss, maybe then that guy won't steal your promotion.
- It is better to be a shady, scamming person than a good, hardworking individual
- The best ways to advance in your career are not to know what you're doing and be diligent and honest, but instead to: BE LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS, UNDEREDUCATED, LAZY, CRAZY, AND WILLING TO SPEND HOURS A DAY DISCUSSING WITH YOUR BOSS WHY HER BF WON'T MARRY HER
- Don't push into the bite. SCIP is stupid and those techniques don't work.
- There is a reason Direct Care only requires a High School Diploma/G.E.D. This work is for stupid people, leave it to them.
- Some people have no balls. When you can't call them out, write a blog about it. It's better than shooting up a Sears Hometown Store any day. No jail time...
- OH WAIT. In Jail, I could have three meals and a place to sleep rent free, and all the free college education I want. Which brings me to the last point...
- This country is disgusting, this society is disgusting, what mankind is becoming is disgusting, and because of all these things, it is very important to remember that:
Oh, I promised you a seed of hope, didn't I?
Don't worry. Jason and I have decided that we rather like the ability to look at ourselves in the mirror guilt-free, no matter how worn down with stress we look, so we won't be robbing any banks or anything.
We've also decided this country is miserable and sickening, and that we need some new bullshit, so we will someday be moving out of it. (Given we can actually ever save some money without the bank robbing, that is...)
And, well, what we've both learned in the past year is that to go anywhere in life you have to be cut-throat. The world isn't built for nice people. I can still do that and look at myself in the mirror, so if you run into me in the professional world, watch out cause I am taking you down, motherfucker.
On the upside of my life? I've had a lot of free time and not much to do, so I have written a novel.
That experience is pretty much the only thing that has kept me sane and not turned me entirely into the person who has nothing but the terrible, negative attitude reflected in that post.
That being said, while I am holding out hope for something, it is nothing like it was. I have hope for my marriage, and my self, and my husband; our souls and our sanity. No hope for any thought of us getting anything more than shit on in this world, but it's almost peaceful to let the dream go.
So, to the fates, the universe, to everything bigger, better, badder, and beyond:
Apparently you feel the need to send me a years' worth of one giant FUCK YOU.
To this, I simply smile and say: FUCK YOU HARDER.