clean sweat
It's amazing to me how exercise can turn me around. After a less-than-sparkling day, I needed to let myself calm down. I needed to release all the bad and feel sweaty and strong and capable.
Without a car, going to the gym is difficult, at best. Normally, M and I would go together and exercise side-by-side in a non-competitive manner. However, the puppy is still shooting things from both ends, so he could not be left alone.
Being the amazing man that M is (not ignoring the fact that he's not the biggest fan of exercise), he volunteered to drop me off at the JCC, spend 45 minutes with his parents, and scoop me up once I was all sweaty and exhilirated.
I intended to do 30 minutes on the elliptical, but all of the machines were occupied by skinny, annoying, Jewish women that were far too gossipy to really be working out. Chanelling this new onslaught of negative energy, I hopped on the stationary bike and pedalled my heart out for 8.5 miles (30 minutes).
Normally, I alternate between 100 RPM and 80 RPM in 5-minute intervals; however, today I stuck to 100 PM for most of my workout, only dipping down to 90 RPM occasionally. I could feel the sweat dripping off of my body, and it felt good. For the first time, I was completely in tune with my body, instead of everything going on around me. My body communicated with me, and I communicated with it.
I used to worry that people were looking at me, judging me. Now, when people look at me, I try to envision what they see. No longer am I the 270-pound girl, easily out of breath. Although I'm still a little over 200 pounds (206, at last count), I no longer look out of shape. I have the same amount of body fat as the average 160-pound woman. My body still has some chub (a size 16 is not slender by any means), but I have tone and definition. I no longer feel defined by my size.
I am no longer obese.
I am no longer ashamed of myself.
It's probably sad to some, but I've always felt extremely unattractive. No matter how many people told me that I was beautiful, I never felt that way. So, I became the snide side-kick with a heart of gold. So it goes.
It's not to say that I find fat people to be unattractive (seriously, using the word "fat" is not a crime). I just didn't find myself attractive when I was fat.
I may still be fat, I guess.
It's amazing how exercise can turn everything around.
PS: I'm not looking for comments telling me how beautiful I am, or how no one ever saw me as fat, or any of that. I know that lately my journal seems very body-focused, but that's where I am. So be it.
Without a car, going to the gym is difficult, at best. Normally, M and I would go together and exercise side-by-side in a non-competitive manner. However, the puppy is still shooting things from both ends, so he could not be left alone.
Being the amazing man that M is (not ignoring the fact that he's not the biggest fan of exercise), he volunteered to drop me off at the JCC, spend 45 minutes with his parents, and scoop me up once I was all sweaty and exhilirated.
I intended to do 30 minutes on the elliptical, but all of the machines were occupied by skinny, annoying, Jewish women that were far too gossipy to really be working out. Chanelling this new onslaught of negative energy, I hopped on the stationary bike and pedalled my heart out for 8.5 miles (30 minutes).
Normally, I alternate between 100 RPM and 80 RPM in 5-minute intervals; however, today I stuck to 100 PM for most of my workout, only dipping down to 90 RPM occasionally. I could feel the sweat dripping off of my body, and it felt good. For the first time, I was completely in tune with my body, instead of everything going on around me. My body communicated with me, and I communicated with it.
I used to worry that people were looking at me, judging me. Now, when people look at me, I try to envision what they see. No longer am I the 270-pound girl, easily out of breath. Although I'm still a little over 200 pounds (206, at last count), I no longer look out of shape. I have the same amount of body fat as the average 160-pound woman. My body still has some chub (a size 16 is not slender by any means), but I have tone and definition. I no longer feel defined by my size.
I am no longer obese.
I am no longer ashamed of myself.
It's probably sad to some, but I've always felt extremely unattractive. No matter how many people told me that I was beautiful, I never felt that way. So, I became the snide side-kick with a heart of gold. So it goes.
It's not to say that I find fat people to be unattractive (seriously, using the word "fat" is not a crime). I just didn't find myself attractive when I was fat.
I may still be fat, I guess.
It's amazing how exercise can turn everything around.
PS: I'm not looking for comments telling me how beautiful I am, or how no one ever saw me as fat, or any of that. I know that lately my journal seems very body-focused, but that's where I am. So be it.