when the end result is falling headfirst into the pavement...
love seems like such a ridiculous thing. its painful and draining and just downright horrible to fall out love. or to be forced to fall out of love. never falling in love before prevented me from this anguish. but it also prevented me from experiencing life in a much more beautiful and special way.
so i hurt ache and cry today but those days hours and minutes were worth all that i'm feeling now. somehow through the sadness i can still look back on those moments and smile. the smile turns into a flood of tears, but i know the smile is progress and sometime soon the tears won't follow so closely behind the memories. for the first time in my life, i experienced a love so deep that i opened myself up wholely and completely for whatever end came my way. the eternal optimist hiding inside me never really thought about the pain. i'm glad i didn't focus on the pain, for if i did, i'm scared that i may not have loved as fully as i did. and that would have been a travesty.
now that i'm single again. i have to remember how it is to only focus on your on a daily basis. i focused on myself for 20 years, you'd think it'd be real easy to fall back into that thought pattern. but its painful and i feel like i forget how to only think of myself. when you come to depend and rely on someone so much that you feel like you can't get through certain aspects of your life without them, its that much harder. somewhere deep down in my subconcsious, i know that i got through difficult things on my own in the past and i will be able to do it now and in the future. i'm strong enough. but right at this moment i feel the weakest i've ever felt in my entire life. i have no desire to do anything at all. and the only things i can do are cry and sleep. the crying is just the outward expression of my hurt. and the sleep only helps me avoid the hurt for a little while.
i know it will take time to heal, but i will heal. and i will actually be better for all of this. despite the pain, everything does happen for a reason. and learning what its like to fall out of love is just something that will help me appreciate the good times in my life that much more. you can't fully experience the highs without experiencing the lowest of lows. well i hope that the highs have much more meaning from now on since this is my lowest of low.
how will i heal? besides my crying and sleeping pattern that i've developed today. i need to get normalcy back as quickly as i can, once i have the strength. i need my friends to push me to go out and have fun. i need to pour everything into my schoolwork, which probably feels rather neglected these days. i have to continue to break down until the break downs aren't as frequent or as painful. i need to keep this beautiful person in my life. for if i lost my first love for good, i don't know if i would ever fully recover. but with my love transformed back into my friend, i can be reminded of the good times we shared together. i look forward to the good times we will share as friends.
the few months we were together completely altered my life. knowing that i will never ever be the person i was in august is a strange thing to think about. but i'm happy to know that i let someone in enough to affect me as a person and to change me for the better. i now know that i have the capacity to love someone fully, and that i have the capacity to be in a loving, fun, and genuinely happy relationship. neither of those things i was sure of a few months ago. and knowing that i have the capacity for each helps me know that i will love again. knowing that i'll love again hurts in one sense, but its so comforting in another. the hope for the goodnees that i've experienced the past few months gives me a certain comfort right now. and feeling comfort admist so much ache is what i need.
i will never regret any moment. i will never want to forget any moment, even the ones when you couldn't look at me. i will never be the same because of you. i will be ok in time. i will move on. i will find another love and open myself up so i can love completely and accept love completely. but please never disappear from my life, losing you to that extent would be too much. you were my friend, you became my love, and you will be my friend again. i need you as my friend for the rest of my life. a part of me will always love you.
so i hurt ache and cry today but those days hours and minutes were worth all that i'm feeling now. somehow through the sadness i can still look back on those moments and smile. the smile turns into a flood of tears, but i know the smile is progress and sometime soon the tears won't follow so closely behind the memories. for the first time in my life, i experienced a love so deep that i opened myself up wholely and completely for whatever end came my way. the eternal optimist hiding inside me never really thought about the pain. i'm glad i didn't focus on the pain, for if i did, i'm scared that i may not have loved as fully as i did. and that would have been a travesty.
now that i'm single again. i have to remember how it is to only focus on your on a daily basis. i focused on myself for 20 years, you'd think it'd be real easy to fall back into that thought pattern. but its painful and i feel like i forget how to only think of myself. when you come to depend and rely on someone so much that you feel like you can't get through certain aspects of your life without them, its that much harder. somewhere deep down in my subconcsious, i know that i got through difficult things on my own in the past and i will be able to do it now and in the future. i'm strong enough. but right at this moment i feel the weakest i've ever felt in my entire life. i have no desire to do anything at all. and the only things i can do are cry and sleep. the crying is just the outward expression of my hurt. and the sleep only helps me avoid the hurt for a little while.
i know it will take time to heal, but i will heal. and i will actually be better for all of this. despite the pain, everything does happen for a reason. and learning what its like to fall out of love is just something that will help me appreciate the good times in my life that much more. you can't fully experience the highs without experiencing the lowest of lows. well i hope that the highs have much more meaning from now on since this is my lowest of low.
how will i heal? besides my crying and sleeping pattern that i've developed today. i need to get normalcy back as quickly as i can, once i have the strength. i need my friends to push me to go out and have fun. i need to pour everything into my schoolwork, which probably feels rather neglected these days. i have to continue to break down until the break downs aren't as frequent or as painful. i need to keep this beautiful person in my life. for if i lost my first love for good, i don't know if i would ever fully recover. but with my love transformed back into my friend, i can be reminded of the good times we shared together. i look forward to the good times we will share as friends.
the few months we were together completely altered my life. knowing that i will never ever be the person i was in august is a strange thing to think about. but i'm happy to know that i let someone in enough to affect me as a person and to change me for the better. i now know that i have the capacity to love someone fully, and that i have the capacity to be in a loving, fun, and genuinely happy relationship. neither of those things i was sure of a few months ago. and knowing that i have the capacity for each helps me know that i will love again. knowing that i'll love again hurts in one sense, but its so comforting in another. the hope for the goodnees that i've experienced the past few months gives me a certain comfort right now. and feeling comfort admist so much ache is what i need.
i will never regret any moment. i will never want to forget any moment, even the ones when you couldn't look at me. i will never be the same because of you. i will be ok in time. i will move on. i will find another love and open myself up so i can love completely and accept love completely. but please never disappear from my life, losing you to that extent would be too much. you were my friend, you became my love, and you will be my friend again. i need you as my friend for the rest of my life. a part of me will always love you.