(no subject)
"Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."
-Keane, "Somewhere Only We Know"
I've stopped writing.
Yeah, I tried to start again a couple of months ago....but I quickly shut it back down. In fact, the first few paragraphs of this post were written months ago, but I couldn't ever bring myself to finish it. I think it's because nothing I've written in a long time has felt good enough. There's just been something missing, something inside of me that I used to infuse into my words, but that I can't get at anymore.
I think it's love.
Or so I wrote a long time ago. And you know? It's probably still true.
Except....well...
....godsdamn, love, you truly never have been a friend of mine.
I find myself feeling regretful that I have love in my heart for people, because it just feels like it always puts me in really bad or precarious spots. For once, I'd like to be able to love someone and be able to be free about it, and truly experience it. In truth, I don't know if I ever have, except for with one girl with whom my relationship can best be complimented in much the same way you'd say nice things about Washington D.C.'s crime rate. "But for the murders, the crime rate is excellent!"
I'm just....as I've said many times here, I've never felt that heartbreak is something I couldn't handle. The loving people and having it never having a chance to even get off the ground part though? It's tiring. It's beyond tiring, and it's been that way for way too long.
The feeling that I can't talk to anyone about this? Also regretful.
I mean, look, the situation that I'm currently in? It's fine. I don't have any ill will and most of the time it isn't even that big a deal because I knew what I was getting into when I started, it's not anybody's fault, most of the time it's nowhere near the forefront of my mind, and honestly, it's not like I am the slightest bit certain of where things would go if the situation was different and there was a chance for something to get off the ground.
It's just two things:
-I would like to, at some point, be the guy a girl looks to, not the guy a girl looks to talk to about the real guy in their life.
-When I see a girl and am driven to thinking "Godsdamn, my dear, you're almost about to knock me out of my chair with how beautiful you look", I'd like to be able to tell her instead of just going mute and hoping nobody notices what's going through my head.
....and with having written this....whatever....I'm hoping that just getting this written down in this forum will help. That, or at least that, if for some reason I get hit by a bus tomorrow, at least the way I truly feel will exist somewhere outside myself in case anybody would care to find it.
Anyway, here's to finding ways to keep the faith, each and every day, my friends.
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."
-Keane, "Somewhere Only We Know"
I've stopped writing.
Yeah, I tried to start again a couple of months ago....but I quickly shut it back down. In fact, the first few paragraphs of this post were written months ago, but I couldn't ever bring myself to finish it. I think it's because nothing I've written in a long time has felt good enough. There's just been something missing, something inside of me that I used to infuse into my words, but that I can't get at anymore.
I think it's love.
Or so I wrote a long time ago. And you know? It's probably still true.
Except....well...
....godsdamn, love, you truly never have been a friend of mine.
I find myself feeling regretful that I have love in my heart for people, because it just feels like it always puts me in really bad or precarious spots. For once, I'd like to be able to love someone and be able to be free about it, and truly experience it. In truth, I don't know if I ever have, except for with one girl with whom my relationship can best be complimented in much the same way you'd say nice things about Washington D.C.'s crime rate. "But for the murders, the crime rate is excellent!"
I'm just....as I've said many times here, I've never felt that heartbreak is something I couldn't handle. The loving people and having it never having a chance to even get off the ground part though? It's tiring. It's beyond tiring, and it's been that way for way too long.
The feeling that I can't talk to anyone about this? Also regretful.
I mean, look, the situation that I'm currently in? It's fine. I don't have any ill will and most of the time it isn't even that big a deal because I knew what I was getting into when I started, it's not anybody's fault, most of the time it's nowhere near the forefront of my mind, and honestly, it's not like I am the slightest bit certain of where things would go if the situation was different and there was a chance for something to get off the ground.
It's just two things:
-I would like to, at some point, be the guy a girl looks to, not the guy a girl looks to talk to about the real guy in their life.
-When I see a girl and am driven to thinking "Godsdamn, my dear, you're almost about to knock me out of my chair with how beautiful you look", I'd like to be able to tell her instead of just going mute and hoping nobody notices what's going through my head.
....and with having written this....whatever....I'm hoping that just getting this written down in this forum will help. That, or at least that, if for some reason I get hit by a bus tomorrow, at least the way I truly feel will exist somewhere outside myself in case anybody would care to find it.
Anyway, here's to finding ways to keep the faith, each and every day, my friends.