(no subject)
Last night, I was sitting on the computer watching Jamie Gold get schooled by Doyle Brunson on High Stakes Poker, when my dad peeks in.
Dad: You alright, son?
Me: Uh, yeah? Why?
Dad: You don't look very happy.
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: I don't know, you just don't look very happy.
Honestly, I was in shock. My dad NEVER notices things like that.
And he's right. I'm not happy. I was doing pretty good for a while there....but now? I honestly don't know how to describe it. I've never really felt like this before. For the first time in my life, I actually had to consider the fact that maybe I have come to hate myself. As smart as I am, and as "great a guy" as I keep hearing that I am, I still feel very awkward and out of place.
Thinking about it, I don't believe I hate myself. I don't deserve that. I've molded myself into a strong, decent guy, and despite what others may think of me, I know who I truly am and what I'm truly capable of.
No, I think my problem is that when everything exploded in October, the only thing I could say to myself is "I wish I could just stop caring."
Well, half of me got there. I really can't write much anymore, which scares the batshit out of me, since I've ALWAYS been able to write. I've been trying, but nothing I've been writing for the past couple of months seems very good to me. The main thing that made my writing so good was the openness in it, and how I poured my heart and soul into every word. Now, though, I don't have the ability to be that open anymore.
That's the main thing that's changed about me from a year ago. I've become very closed off. It's almost like I'm ashamed of how I feel, which is very, very strange.
Or maybe it's that I don't feel like anyone has been quite able to understand it.
Hell, maybe even I don't understand it. That's what worries me the most: I have no experience with not understanding how I feel, so I don't know how to counteract it.
I think I just need to force myself to keep writing, and keep trying to fix whatever is wrong with me.
However the hell I'm supposed to do that, anyway.
Dad: You alright, son?
Me: Uh, yeah? Why?
Dad: You don't look very happy.
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: I don't know, you just don't look very happy.
Honestly, I was in shock. My dad NEVER notices things like that.
And he's right. I'm not happy. I was doing pretty good for a while there....but now? I honestly don't know how to describe it. I've never really felt like this before. For the first time in my life, I actually had to consider the fact that maybe I have come to hate myself. As smart as I am, and as "great a guy" as I keep hearing that I am, I still feel very awkward and out of place.
Thinking about it, I don't believe I hate myself. I don't deserve that. I've molded myself into a strong, decent guy, and despite what others may think of me, I know who I truly am and what I'm truly capable of.
No, I think my problem is that when everything exploded in October, the only thing I could say to myself is "I wish I could just stop caring."
Well, half of me got there. I really can't write much anymore, which scares the batshit out of me, since I've ALWAYS been able to write. I've been trying, but nothing I've been writing for the past couple of months seems very good to me. The main thing that made my writing so good was the openness in it, and how I poured my heart and soul into every word. Now, though, I don't have the ability to be that open anymore.
That's the main thing that's changed about me from a year ago. I've become very closed off. It's almost like I'm ashamed of how I feel, which is very, very strange.
Or maybe it's that I don't feel like anyone has been quite able to understand it.
Hell, maybe even I don't understand it. That's what worries me the most: I have no experience with not understanding how I feel, so I don't know how to counteract it.
I think I just need to force myself to keep writing, and keep trying to fix whatever is wrong with me.
However the hell I'm supposed to do that, anyway.