(no subject)
As I was playing Bingo on pogo.com and sipping my glass of warm apple cider I wondered why I was still here. Why, during my many years of feelign a need to kill myself I only ever tried twice? I had felt like this since I was about seven, though what happened to make me want to end it all is not something I can share in a public post. Not yet, anyway,
I don't think I ever really hit the breaking point until my grandfather died, January 13th I believe was the date. But I might be wrong. All that matter's is, after the funural I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I had always felt like Papa was the only person in my life who didn't just have me around because I liked to do things for people. I never felt like I had to earn his love, because he always had plently to give. So after he died I picked a date. Feb 25th..... Though oddly enough that was the first time me and Mel spent the whole day together and I felt to happy by the time I got home to even care.
But as I was playing bingo, and listening to my father tell me he hated my mother's games and he was leaving her I just couldn't help but ask myself what was it? Why did I keep myself alive and deal with the stress from my family, my friends(or lack of), my life? But honestly it was for the same reason as to why I have most of the problems I have had most of my life.
I can't let anyone else win. I can't let anyone get away with shoving me into the dirt and kicking me while i'm down. I always feel this need to get back on my feet, brush my self out, and deck them so hard a few teeth fall out. Now, I never had. I would much rather bring someone down with my words. But you know what I mean.
And yeah, if you hit me I'll cry. Call me names and I'll yell. Yell at me I'll cry, flip you off, and run to find a place to act like a four year old for a little while. But for some reason I think this is the only way I have made it past all the shit I have been through. There maybe some other reason as to why I haven't. You could even say that it was because I needed to met Mel or something. But the way I see it, I'm just to damn stubborn to give up.
I don't think I ever really hit the breaking point until my grandfather died, January 13th I believe was the date. But I might be wrong. All that matter's is, after the funural I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I had always felt like Papa was the only person in my life who didn't just have me around because I liked to do things for people. I never felt like I had to earn his love, because he always had plently to give. So after he died I picked a date. Feb 25th..... Though oddly enough that was the first time me and Mel spent the whole day together and I felt to happy by the time I got home to even care.
But as I was playing bingo, and listening to my father tell me he hated my mother's games and he was leaving her I just couldn't help but ask myself what was it? Why did I keep myself alive and deal with the stress from my family, my friends(or lack of), my life? But honestly it was for the same reason as to why I have most of the problems I have had most of my life.
I can't let anyone else win. I can't let anyone get away with shoving me into the dirt and kicking me while i'm down. I always feel this need to get back on my feet, brush my self out, and deck them so hard a few teeth fall out. Now, I never had. I would much rather bring someone down with my words. But you know what I mean.
And yeah, if you hit me I'll cry. Call me names and I'll yell. Yell at me I'll cry, flip you off, and run to find a place to act like a four year old for a little while. But for some reason I think this is the only way I have made it past all the shit I have been through. There maybe some other reason as to why I haven't. You could even say that it was because I needed to met Mel or something. But the way I see it, I'm just to damn stubborn to give up.