"And I don't know where to look...my words just break and melt..."
So, I'm at work and I have absolutely nothing to do. That's probably a sign that I should do homework or something so I can sleep tonight, but yeah. You see how that's obviously going. I'm such an emotional wreck right now. I figured that maybe writing it all out I'll be able to see it and an answer will pop out to me. While it's personal, I'm not going to make this entry private because well, I don't care that much. I think that making an lj private is kinda stupid. If you don't want people to read it, don't put it on the net. Plus I really don't think that many people read my stuff so I don't think it will be that big of an issue. So here goes...
On the boy front...I have ridiculously intense feelings for someone that is not even a remote possibility. I know what you may be thinking. I do this ALL the time. I have a new crush almost as often as I change my underwear. Well, I'm head over heels for this guy, as much as I can be. I do actually associate with him, not so much anymore because I'm trying to cut myself off. He's just so cute and sweet and funny and from what I've observed we have a lot in common. But there's no possible way that it could happen. And that's not even from a low self-esteem place. It's a factual thing. There's no way it can happen. I won't go into further detail about why, but I think you get it. I'm completely killing my self over it and it's just stupid because I don't even think he returns the sentiment. All I do is keep telling myself how stupid I am to feel this way. I'm losing sleep, I'm losing focus, my eating habits are all fucked up. I'm just a wreck and this has a lot to do with it and I don't know WHY! He shouldn't have this affect on me.
Next...I wrote an article for a class that stirred up memories and emotions that should have stayed where they were. My childhood is my past and I don't wanna look back at all. Those were horrible, horrible times and it's heartbreaking to know that I allowed myself to be treated in such a way and to remember how weak I was. I barely recognize the child version of myself because I was so weak and I allowed people to hurt me so badly for no other reason except children are cruel by nature. That doesn't really help my emotions.
I don't know how to deal with all of this. Talking about it isn't helping. Half the time I just wanna cry but no tears will escape. I'm not holding back crying because I'm not afraid to cry in the least. I just can't do it. Because I'm such an emotional mess I feel like I can't help people or do what I need to do and that's tearing me up inside because I like to make people happy. As much of a bitch as I can be, I love when the people around me are happy. I feel like I'm bringing people down and I don't want to do that. I'm just so desperately lost and depressed and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know why I'm feeling this way and I don't know why I'm just letting all the petty little stupid shit tear me to pieces. I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Writing this didn't really help much...hopefully reading it will.
On the boy front...I have ridiculously intense feelings for someone that is not even a remote possibility. I know what you may be thinking. I do this ALL the time. I have a new crush almost as often as I change my underwear. Well, I'm head over heels for this guy, as much as I can be. I do actually associate with him, not so much anymore because I'm trying to cut myself off. He's just so cute and sweet and funny and from what I've observed we have a lot in common. But there's no possible way that it could happen. And that's not even from a low self-esteem place. It's a factual thing. There's no way it can happen. I won't go into further detail about why, but I think you get it. I'm completely killing my self over it and it's just stupid because I don't even think he returns the sentiment. All I do is keep telling myself how stupid I am to feel this way. I'm losing sleep, I'm losing focus, my eating habits are all fucked up. I'm just a wreck and this has a lot to do with it and I don't know WHY! He shouldn't have this affect on me.
Next...I wrote an article for a class that stirred up memories and emotions that should have stayed where they were. My childhood is my past and I don't wanna look back at all. Those were horrible, horrible times and it's heartbreaking to know that I allowed myself to be treated in such a way and to remember how weak I was. I barely recognize the child version of myself because I was so weak and I allowed people to hurt me so badly for no other reason except children are cruel by nature. That doesn't really help my emotions.
I don't know how to deal with all of this. Talking about it isn't helping. Half the time I just wanna cry but no tears will escape. I'm not holding back crying because I'm not afraid to cry in the least. I just can't do it. Because I'm such an emotional mess I feel like I can't help people or do what I need to do and that's tearing me up inside because I like to make people happy. As much of a bitch as I can be, I love when the people around me are happy. I feel like I'm bringing people down and I don't want to do that. I'm just so desperately lost and depressed and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know why I'm feeling this way and I don't know why I'm just letting all the petty little stupid shit tear me to pieces. I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Writing this didn't really help much...hopefully reading it will.