Life is a funny little daisy. Does it love me?
I'm stuck. No, really, I'm stuck. People, I have no idea what I'm going to do about anything anymore. I've gotten to that point where caring isn't an option. I hate thinking about it, but the fact of the matter is, I have to. What 'it' is, I'm not going to bother getting into, but suffice it to say it'll likely be clear by the time this message is over. Today I have a quest, today I have a problem and the quest is the problem. Only this time I have no idea how to start it. The road isn't clear; the fork has daunted me. I'm worried that no matter which direction I choose, left or right, it will invariably be the wrong way. What is the road? I can answer that part at least, I think. I think I feel brave enough to do that now, at least for you, the people who bother to stick by me and read this thing whenever I update it. Through the filth, through the jokes, through the slander and the ridiculousness, you continue to stick by me. Through the truth, through the revealing times when I show you my guts, through the bullshit and right down to the bones. I think I'm ready to answer this question.
It's life. The road is life and I'm at an age and in a time where that fork ahead of me is just that much scarier than the one my parents stood in front of when they were my age. What do I do? What do I want to do? What would I like to do? Is there anything about me that's worth pursuing? Am I even a worthwhile human being or have I just been fooling myself into thinking that somewhere, somehow someone was thinking about me? Have I merely let myself believe that at some point someone would even want to have something to do with a person as callous and hard as I am? I don't want to be hard, I don't even like being hard but I am. I have to be to survive. I've been hard since I was very young and at the same time, I don't regret being that way. I dislike the fact that I had to be, if you're curious, but all in all, I can't force myself to hate myself over it or find any reasons why I might have been wrong; even if I was. But this time I'm so unsure it's frightening. I'm stuck.
At any given moment in our lives we all make decisions. People make decisions, it's how we navigate the winding roads and treacherous passes of life. It's how we climb our own personal mountains and defeat our own personal demons to reach the peak. What frightens most of us is the fact that our peak might have already been reached and we're spent and have nothing left to offer ourselves or life; that our only remaining direction is to go down the other side of that mountain never achieving the goals we'd dreamed about when we were young. It's that kind of thought that worries my decisions, that clouds up my reasoning and makes this, the end of my childhood, that much harder to exist in- to cope with, I should say. Am I a bad person for being afraid of it? Does it make me weak or a careless youth who's little more than a joke to myself and to those watching? Absolutely not; I think the very fact that I have the courage to admit my fear and to tell you about it no less makes me that much stronger.
Bad things happen, true. I could screw this decision up so bad that there is no undoing it, true. In the end though, it's not that you're angry because this decision is so hard, but that for other people who knew what they wanted and had the time, resources and plan to get it, had the decision so much easier. Choices of career, choices of, hell, even choice- they're hard. You don't want to have to face them but when you do you find yourself gritting your teeth and setting your shoulders, preparing for the long haul. You find yourself wanting it to be over with while at the same time, in the back of your mind, enjoying the challenge. I haven't reached the enjoyment yet. It's still a difficult climb; it's still beating me down every step of the way. It seems like it's going out of it's way to try and hurt me, to stop me or to make everything I do seem that much more worthless when compared to the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that life exists, life is an entity and you have very few shots to make it work for you before you end up working for it. I'm a little scared, true, but I am not defeated. I'll never be defeated.
This decision. This damned decision. I'm not a rich man, I'm not a man of easier means than any other man I know, but I still have this decision staring me in the face. I still have a duty to myself and to my family to make this decision and to meet this challenge. Whatever my choice, whatever my end result, I have the wherewithal to know that I'll be glad in it, even if it's not what I wanted. I have an adult life ahead of me. I'm 19-years-old and I have a pair of very large shoes I need to fill. I'm about to be as honest with you all as I have ever been. I do want a family. I do want a wife. I do want kids. I do want that and all the problems that come with it. I want a successful career, I want a life, and I want the best for my future family. I don't want them to have to settle for second, third, fourth and fifth best like I had to my whole life. I don't want them to have to see the hardship and the problems I've seen. I don't want them to be touched by death like I was. I don't want to expose them to the darker parts of life that I saw- the things that jaded me, the things that weakened and hardened me at the same time. It isn't fair and it isn't right. So what will I do?
The road I choose now has the strangest effect. Unlike anything else in your life, decision-making is the only infinite. It's the only thing that ripples forward and effects who you are and who you will become. It's the only thing that has a chokehold on you that you cannot shake. A decision is permanent, just like your voice, your words, and your thoughts. Once you think it, say it- it's there, it exists. The whole world can see it and love it or mock it. You can't take it back, you can't cry and demand it be brought back to you like that favorite toy you had when you were young. Just like every second that ticks by on a watch or clock, once it ticks into being and ticks away, you can't have it back. It's not yours anymore. Seize every second you possibly can because it's only yours to do with what you want for the duration of its life. I suppose it's kind of the definitive metaphor for living. Do with your life what you want and what you will, but make it count because when it's gone, it's gone for good. You don't get another shot, at least not with this life. And so, rightly made and rightly written. I'm a little scared.
What will the end of my road be? What will the chronicles and legends of Anthony be years from now when I'm old, my youth spent, my shot gone? What will my decisions bring me? What will they give me and what will they take away? Am I the person I think I am? Am I as strong as I'd like to be? Am I even as strong as I think I am? Does it even matter to think about it? Those are all questions we have to answer for ourselves. Those are all things we, as people, have to define on our own so the reasons and the definitions make sense to us. We're human and with humanity comes mistakes. And that's why we worry. We don't want to make a mistake. Mistakes are often permanent. But at the same time, we don't want to not make a decision because we're all aware of the consequences of simply not doing anything. It's a scary paradox and it invigorates us to experience it. If we all have the power to shape who we are and at the same time, we all know what we want to be... Then why is something that sounds like such a sure thing so damn hard?
Help me, God...
Hybrid: Out.
It's life. The road is life and I'm at an age and in a time where that fork ahead of me is just that much scarier than the one my parents stood in front of when they were my age. What do I do? What do I want to do? What would I like to do? Is there anything about me that's worth pursuing? Am I even a worthwhile human being or have I just been fooling myself into thinking that somewhere, somehow someone was thinking about me? Have I merely let myself believe that at some point someone would even want to have something to do with a person as callous and hard as I am? I don't want to be hard, I don't even like being hard but I am. I have to be to survive. I've been hard since I was very young and at the same time, I don't regret being that way. I dislike the fact that I had to be, if you're curious, but all in all, I can't force myself to hate myself over it or find any reasons why I might have been wrong; even if I was. But this time I'm so unsure it's frightening. I'm stuck.
At any given moment in our lives we all make decisions. People make decisions, it's how we navigate the winding roads and treacherous passes of life. It's how we climb our own personal mountains and defeat our own personal demons to reach the peak. What frightens most of us is the fact that our peak might have already been reached and we're spent and have nothing left to offer ourselves or life; that our only remaining direction is to go down the other side of that mountain never achieving the goals we'd dreamed about when we were young. It's that kind of thought that worries my decisions, that clouds up my reasoning and makes this, the end of my childhood, that much harder to exist in- to cope with, I should say. Am I a bad person for being afraid of it? Does it make me weak or a careless youth who's little more than a joke to myself and to those watching? Absolutely not; I think the very fact that I have the courage to admit my fear and to tell you about it no less makes me that much stronger.
Bad things happen, true. I could screw this decision up so bad that there is no undoing it, true. In the end though, it's not that you're angry because this decision is so hard, but that for other people who knew what they wanted and had the time, resources and plan to get it, had the decision so much easier. Choices of career, choices of, hell, even choice- they're hard. You don't want to have to face them but when you do you find yourself gritting your teeth and setting your shoulders, preparing for the long haul. You find yourself wanting it to be over with while at the same time, in the back of your mind, enjoying the challenge. I haven't reached the enjoyment yet. It's still a difficult climb; it's still beating me down every step of the way. It seems like it's going out of it's way to try and hurt me, to stop me or to make everything I do seem that much more worthless when compared to the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that life exists, life is an entity and you have very few shots to make it work for you before you end up working for it. I'm a little scared, true, but I am not defeated. I'll never be defeated.
This decision. This damned decision. I'm not a rich man, I'm not a man of easier means than any other man I know, but I still have this decision staring me in the face. I still have a duty to myself and to my family to make this decision and to meet this challenge. Whatever my choice, whatever my end result, I have the wherewithal to know that I'll be glad in it, even if it's not what I wanted. I have an adult life ahead of me. I'm 19-years-old and I have a pair of very large shoes I need to fill. I'm about to be as honest with you all as I have ever been. I do want a family. I do want a wife. I do want kids. I do want that and all the problems that come with it. I want a successful career, I want a life, and I want the best for my future family. I don't want them to have to settle for second, third, fourth and fifth best like I had to my whole life. I don't want them to have to see the hardship and the problems I've seen. I don't want them to be touched by death like I was. I don't want to expose them to the darker parts of life that I saw- the things that jaded me, the things that weakened and hardened me at the same time. It isn't fair and it isn't right. So what will I do?
The road I choose now has the strangest effect. Unlike anything else in your life, decision-making is the only infinite. It's the only thing that ripples forward and effects who you are and who you will become. It's the only thing that has a chokehold on you that you cannot shake. A decision is permanent, just like your voice, your words, and your thoughts. Once you think it, say it- it's there, it exists. The whole world can see it and love it or mock it. You can't take it back, you can't cry and demand it be brought back to you like that favorite toy you had when you were young. Just like every second that ticks by on a watch or clock, once it ticks into being and ticks away, you can't have it back. It's not yours anymore. Seize every second you possibly can because it's only yours to do with what you want for the duration of its life. I suppose it's kind of the definitive metaphor for living. Do with your life what you want and what you will, but make it count because when it's gone, it's gone for good. You don't get another shot, at least not with this life. And so, rightly made and rightly written. I'm a little scared.
What will the end of my road be? What will the chronicles and legends of Anthony be years from now when I'm old, my youth spent, my shot gone? What will my decisions bring me? What will they give me and what will they take away? Am I the person I think I am? Am I as strong as I'd like to be? Am I even as strong as I think I am? Does it even matter to think about it? Those are all questions we have to answer for ourselves. Those are all things we, as people, have to define on our own so the reasons and the definitions make sense to us. We're human and with humanity comes mistakes. And that's why we worry. We don't want to make a mistake. Mistakes are often permanent. But at the same time, we don't want to not make a decision because we're all aware of the consequences of simply not doing anything. It's a scary paradox and it invigorates us to experience it. If we all have the power to shape who we are and at the same time, we all know what we want to be... Then why is something that sounds like such a sure thing so damn hard?
Help me, God...
Hybrid: Out.