(no subject)
So I jump out of my car, right? And I’m all like: “I have brought you here, for I… am SPARTICUS!”
Unfortunately no one got the joke and people just kept speeding by me and honking their horn. I suppose that has a lot to do with the fact that I pulled this stunt off on a little known highway called 240! Okay, so, truthfully, it’s the largest highway in the city. Whatever. I hop back in and putter on my merry way, headed for yet another public place. I get to Stax Museum, parallel park - and as you all know we black people don’t do that so well (see: Cedric the Entertainer in The Original Kings of Comedy).
I jump out of my car, right? Look down my pants and then I’m all like: ”I am a real boy!”.
Unfortunately no one gets the joke. Six or seven crackheads stop what they’re doing (asking people for change) and look at me. They proceed to march my way and I hop back in my car. Burning rubber, I’m gone. I boogie on down, hit 240 and come off at Riverside Drive. I make my way to Beale Street, drive all the way down to Dyer’s Burger right down the street from the B.B. King Club.
So I jump out of my car, right? And I’m all like: ”Holy shit, I have fudge packed in my trunk!”
Unfortunately no one gets the joke. Hundreds of people stare at me, another lady says I need Jesus. One fellow even drops some coins at my feet. I play the game, lean down, scoop up my change, bow a few good thankyous and hop in my car. I back up and gas it, burn some pretty good rubber just to round the corner, pass a single light and head into the Parking Garage of yet another famous locale.
I jump out of my car, right? And I’m all like: -- Ah! Gotcha! Not there yet.
I walk across the sky-bridge over traffic below, make my way through the double doors and into Peabody Place. I head down the escalator, past security right into Dan McGuiness Pub. I take a seat, have a Scotch and Soda, sip it down quick…
I jump out of my seat, right? And I’m all like: ”DID THAT DRINK HAVE ALCOHOL!? Are you insane!? I’m allergic you sick BASTARD! And… Oh crap, you look like Stan Lee!”
I pay for my drink, good foot it out of Dan McGuiness, hop my way on down the walk to another escalator. I ride it down directly into Tower Music store. The place is jumping, alive with beatniks and rap-addicts getting their fix on the free Play-Go-Rounds. I purchase a Marvel figurine in honor of my newest sighting of Stan Lee, then…
I jump to the middle of the store, right? And I’m all like: ”I’m the newest, hottest rapper on the scene! My name is God! If you say my jams don’t bump you’re going to HELL.”
Unfortunately no one gets the joke, people stare at me and gawk. Another lady says something rude but I ignore her cus I know I rock. Yeah! This time security escorts me out, they push me through the doors that lead out to the street with my bag in hand. I’m cursing but it doesn’t matter.
I jump off the curb, right? And I’m all like: ”Hey, these guys just grabbed my ass! SEXUAL HARASSMENT. SEXUAL HARASSMENT!”
Unfortunately they don’t get the joke. One of them starts to curse and the other threatens to literally kick my ass. I try to apologize but in the end the only thing that works is walking across the street and back into the parking garage. I ride the elevator up to my car, hop in and ten minutes later I’m back on 240. I zoom-zoom-zoom like a Mazda commercial in my 929 and hop off on the Airways exit. I take Airways to Park, Park to Highland, Highland to Poplar and minutes later I’m at the Memphis Zoo. I park my ride and run for the ticket line.
So I jump in the line, right? And I’m all like: “This place has Pandas. And that’s when THE ALIENS INVADED!!!”
Unfortunately no one gets the joke. The man in front of me yells back and tells me not to scream around his wife and kid. Once again I have someone threaten to kick my ass so I boogie for the car. I’m back in, I’m riding to the house. I arrive in front of my apartment building, park my car.
I jump out of the car, right? And I’m all like: “Lady, Lady, guess what I just did!? Me and Hulk Hogan stole six candy bars from some kids, ran in circles in the mall and bodyslammed a guy for NO DAMN REASON cus we’re HARDCORE! ”
Unfortunately she doesn’t get the joke. She stares at me for a while, rolls her eyes and says ’What the fuck’s wrong with you!?’ I say:
”I have no friends and I’m completely unpopular. But I think that’s just the root of my problems!” with a great big smile on my face.
And now I’m here. Yeah. Cool, huh?
P.S. Yet another chronicle of the life and times of Ant. The biggest asshole I know. Myself. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke..
Hybrid: Out.
Unfortunately no one got the joke and people just kept speeding by me and honking their horn. I suppose that has a lot to do with the fact that I pulled this stunt off on a little known highway called 240! Okay, so, truthfully, it’s the largest highway in the city. Whatever. I hop back in and putter on my merry way, headed for yet another public place. I get to Stax Museum, parallel park - and as you all know we black people don’t do that so well (see: Cedric the Entertainer in The Original Kings of Comedy).
I jump out of my car, right? Look down my pants and then I’m all like: ”I am a real boy!”.
Unfortunately no one gets the joke. Six or seven crackheads stop what they’re doing (asking people for change) and look at me. They proceed to march my way and I hop back in my car. Burning rubber, I’m gone. I boogie on down, hit 240 and come off at Riverside Drive. I make my way to Beale Street, drive all the way down to Dyer’s Burger right down the street from the B.B. King Club.
So I jump out of my car, right? And I’m all like: ”Holy shit, I have fudge packed in my trunk!”
Unfortunately no one gets the joke. Hundreds of people stare at me, another lady says I need Jesus. One fellow even drops some coins at my feet. I play the game, lean down, scoop up my change, bow a few good thankyous and hop in my car. I back up and gas it, burn some pretty good rubber just to round the corner, pass a single light and head into the Parking Garage of yet another famous locale.
I jump out of my car, right? And I’m all like: -- Ah! Gotcha! Not there yet.
I walk across the sky-bridge over traffic below, make my way through the double doors and into Peabody Place. I head down the escalator, past security right into Dan McGuiness Pub. I take a seat, have a Scotch and Soda, sip it down quick…
I jump out of my seat, right? And I’m all like: ”DID THAT DRINK HAVE ALCOHOL!? Are you insane!? I’m allergic you sick BASTARD! And… Oh crap, you look like Stan Lee!”
I pay for my drink, good foot it out of Dan McGuiness, hop my way on down the walk to another escalator. I ride it down directly into Tower Music store. The place is jumping, alive with beatniks and rap-addicts getting their fix on the free Play-Go-Rounds. I purchase a Marvel figurine in honor of my newest sighting of Stan Lee, then…
I jump to the middle of the store, right? And I’m all like: ”I’m the newest, hottest rapper on the scene! My name is God! If you say my jams don’t bump you’re going to HELL.”
Unfortunately no one gets the joke, people stare at me and gawk. Another lady says something rude but I ignore her cus I know I rock. Yeah! This time security escorts me out, they push me through the doors that lead out to the street with my bag in hand. I’m cursing but it doesn’t matter.
I jump off the curb, right? And I’m all like: ”Hey, these guys just grabbed my ass! SEXUAL HARASSMENT. SEXUAL HARASSMENT!”
Unfortunately they don’t get the joke. One of them starts to curse and the other threatens to literally kick my ass. I try to apologize but in the end the only thing that works is walking across the street and back into the parking garage. I ride the elevator up to my car, hop in and ten minutes later I’m back on 240. I zoom-zoom-zoom like a Mazda commercial in my 929 and hop off on the Airways exit. I take Airways to Park, Park to Highland, Highland to Poplar and minutes later I’m at the Memphis Zoo. I park my ride and run for the ticket line.
So I jump in the line, right? And I’m all like: “This place has Pandas. And that’s when THE ALIENS INVADED!!!”
Unfortunately no one gets the joke. The man in front of me yells back and tells me not to scream around his wife and kid. Once again I have someone threaten to kick my ass so I boogie for the car. I’m back in, I’m riding to the house. I arrive in front of my apartment building, park my car.
I jump out of the car, right? And I’m all like: “Lady, Lady, guess what I just did!? Me and Hulk Hogan stole six candy bars from some kids, ran in circles in the mall and bodyslammed a guy for NO DAMN REASON cus we’re HARDCORE! ”
Unfortunately she doesn’t get the joke. She stares at me for a while, rolls her eyes and says ’What the fuck’s wrong with you!?’ I say:
”I have no friends and I’m completely unpopular. But I think that’s just the root of my problems!” with a great big smile on my face.
And now I’m here. Yeah. Cool, huh?
P.S. Yet another chronicle of the life and times of Ant. The biggest asshole I know. Myself. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke..
Hybrid: Out.