to myself for 2010
Dear Self for 2010,
Now I know what you're thinking. "Why am I reading this? Why do I need to know any of the information that is about to be presented to me?" For starters, its because this year, was certainly not the best for you. You had high hopes in 2008 and look what happened, you made mistake after mistake and now look at how unhappy you are. On the bright side, you've learned alot and you've definitely grown, making yourself a better person. I apologize overall that your dumb ass alot of great things for the future, but maybe it can be fixed and maybe it was worth the pain. You cry yourself to sleep now, bitch and moan about how unhappy you are and about how dumb you've been, and wonder to yourself why the fuck you're living still. No worries. You'll get the fuck over it. One of these days.
Because you might need some guidance, look back to this when you need help. Maybe some of the information now will help you later on in 2010 because Goddess' knows you're gonna need lots of help and that's just the sad truth. Read this every now and then and hopefully you'll make some sense out of your problems. Deal? Good. Now put down those damn shrimp crackers and read carefully.
1) First and foremost, your education should be of the highest value to you. I know it is, which is why I mention it first. January 1st, you need to start filling out your scholarships and your FAFSA. If you don't, Donghae dressed as Santa will come through your door and do unpleasant things to you in your sleep. By this I mean, STOP BEING LAZY. After January 1st comes, you really have no reason not to fill any of your shit out (unless you need info from your mother, which we will cover soon). So do this, apply for scholarships and for Nevada State College. It sucks that this is your only choice, but with the accommodations included, you really can't go wrong. not only that but they have what you want. You know this, I know this, your sisters know this. So DO SOMETHING. You can wait till the adviser comes in Spring to your school, but why wait when you can get this shit done now? Exactly. You have to worry about money for college so start doing that. I mean it. You'll regret it. Once its all done and you have everything planned, then you can relax. Until then, work your ass off. You know that scholarship you want badly? Work for it. Do not sit there and not do your schoolwork and fuck around. Seriously. it will fuck you sideways in the long run. You're doing so well now, so keep it up! Mr. Clyde said you need at least 4 A's and 2 B's next semester (also depending on what happens at the end of this semester) to get your GPA up to a 3.0. You've done all you can and you still continue to do all your work and work your ass off. You'll be proud of yourself if you keep going so keep going at it!
2) Don't worry about your mother. As far as you're concerned, she's a stranger to you. She didn't bother calling for months, not even for Christmas. It'll be a complete surprise if she calls for your birthday. And you know what? Not even Jimmy's family called. He's gonna yell at them good for not giving a fuck about you. Don't sweat it. You have other things you need taken care of. You know what, she's not even gonna be there for you when you graduate or even help you out with a car or college tuition. Make your plans without her considered because the more you keep throwing "What ifs", the more you're going to get hurt because she's going to do exactly what you and your dad know she's gonna do. Better get surprised than keep getting hurt because hurt is the only thing you know from her. And that's okay. It hasn't killed you so its making you stronger and there's nothing wrong with that. You're tough as nails, just like her. You can deal. In fact, don't even think about her. The more you do, the more depressed you'll become. You're too positive sometimes and you put too much faith in people who really shouldn't have faith put in them. They always let you down because you have such high expectations for them. And by expectations, I mean, you think they really are good people who are worth a damn and that they care about you (like Jeremy, for example). You need to stop. You're crying yourself to sleep too much so don't do it.
3) Stop crying yourself to sleep. Really. Cause its getting old and its annoying. I hate how you purposely take out your earphones just to cry and wipe your snot in several thousand tissues before going back to bed, only to tear up a bit more. FUCKING STOP. You don't get enough sleep for this reason. You bullshit around and then when you get to bed, you're depressed as hell. You don't even bother to listen to Super Junior when you're like this because you're too busy being emo. Tonight will probably be one of these nights for several reasons. When you get this way, lodge it into your small, stupid head of yours that you need your music. You need Super Junior. Something happy, something full of life, unlike you. Something needs to put life back into you and if that something is a bunch of Korean boys singing songs about pajama parties, then so be it.
4) Basically, those last two sentences from the last paragraph.
5) You have goals. Accomplish those goals, especially while you have time. Keep studying your languages and using them. Watch as much dramas as you can to learn and keep reading. Keep listening to the music. Keep speaking to yourself and writing everything down for practice. You're never going to learn if you don't practice. Learn as much as you can so that when you get to college, you can totally do that study abroad thing that you've always dreamed of. I know you want to do it, so prepare yourself to do it. You can't really get anywhere until you get to college so do the first few steps into preparing. And don't let anything stop you. Except for your schoolwork because money for college is more important. And really, that wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't slacked off the last few years. Oh well, now you're paying. Sucks, doesn't it?
6) Your dad is a wonderful dad. And you fucking know it. Since you've been back, you've definitely given him more credit than you have so that's definitely an improvement. I'm glad you've done well. You know he's more than willing to help you out so take advantage of that. If you ruin things with him, you're parentless. Well, biological parentless. But you're too afraid to ask others for help so don't fuck this up for yourself. You'll end up hating yourself even more so than you do now. He's done so much for you and he continues to do so. Even though he's got problems up the wazoo, you can't blame him for it and the fact that he's trying, just like you're trying. Give him more credit, go easy on him. Since your mother is wallowing in her own self-loathing and hatred, he needs to be both parents to you. That is hard, you know that. Be close and don't hate him. No matter how many beers he drinks a day. He still loves you. That will never change. So go and fucking watch A Clockwork Orange with him. No matter how many naked chicks and penises pop up on screen.
7) Your number one thing on your To-Do List (other than get your money for school, etc.) is get the fuck over Jeremy. Let me tell you this now: you call the motherfucker over and over again. He's had enough and you know it. Yet, you still have denial and you have that fucking hope and faith in him that I don't like. Again, it lets you get hurt more and yet, you do nothing about it. You just keep getting hurt and keep getting hurt. That is seriously not okay. You can't enjoy the simple things in life without fucking saying "Oh, me and Jeremy.." or "Jeremy this.." or "Jeremy that..". Can't you see its fucking ruining you?! You won't allow yourself to want anyone else but him and that is just not fucking okay. The bullshit needs to stop and it stops when school is back into session, right when the new year begins. No, he isn't going to be around anymore and he'll probably never call you again. You ruined it so he has the right. Fucking deal with it and let it be. I know you're attached, but you just can't let yourself be that attached to him. You threw yourself at him and you've begged. He's done nothing but play with your heartstrings because he has them. Take them back; they belong to someone who won't use them like that. And yes, there is such a person and that person isn't him. Go to prom, get another fucking picture for your frame and put the old ones away somewhere where you won't find them until you're over him. Until you can fucking look at those pictures of you and him together and smile and remember the times and NOT cry all day long, put them away and don't take them out. It kills you right now. And you know what, you may be fucking married already and you may still look at them and cry. If that happens, burn the pictures. Anything. Delete them from your hard drive, anything. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Look, he's not going to call for your birthday, when you graduate, anytime. He didn't even call for Christmas. This is his fault he's missing out. Yeah, you ruined it, but you've grown and you're better. You know better. He's chicken shit on taking a "risk" so let it be. Someone else deserves your love. Not someone who can't appreciate everything you've done.
8) Meet yourself a nice Chinese boy. You know the one. Once you figure out how to talk to him, go for it. Don't be chicken shit. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. He's still such a cutie to look at.
9) Don't forget the promise you made for your birthday now that you're turning 18. You've been waiting for this day since you were 14 (or 13, whatever).
10) Whatever the fuck you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT get yourself into a relationship if you think it won't work. Instead of one pathetic date, go on two or three. You need it because hey, you're picky and you have standards and because you're so damn picky, you ruin relationships with people if those standards are not met. There's nothing wrong with being picky, just don't keep hurting people, okay? You can barely look at yourself in the mirror some days.
11) You're beautiful. On the inside and the outside. You're so lucky you've got both. Some people (who shall not be named) aren't that lucky and they know it, so they lash out on you and try to make you feel like a bad person, which makes them a hypocrite. Fuck those people. You're generous, kind, caring, giving, loyal, loving. You've got so much to offer and yet, not everyone sees it. Don't change. And as for your looks. How many people give you compliments on your hair color? Like, every single person. Even the cashier at CVS. Isn't that odd? Your eyes are gorgeous. Your skin... eh, needs some work. Give that shit time. Exercise some more and you'll be in great shape. Make that a New Year's Resolution, okay? EXERCISE EVERY DAY, FATASS. Got it? Good. Take Mocha with you while you're at it. She needs the exercise too.
12) Take good care of your friends. As if you don't already. Just keep it up. Some may not be appreciative as the rest but they still love you for it and that's all that matters. You like making them happy so do it. You've got nothing to lose.
In conclusion, you're wonderful. You truly are. Of course, there's always alot of work to maintain that but it should be no problem for you. Things will calm down significantly, more so than now. After you graduate, take a road trip with your friends, with your dad and relax for a summer. Or even go find a job until you have to quit a few months later (haha~). Keep up with the great job you're doing now in school. Don't worry too much about guys. Not worth your troubles so don't get too attached, okay? But don't have too much fun either, though I know you want to. Spend some time studying, or with your Wii (cause you've been so lost without it!), dancing to Super Junior and supporting them (SUPER JUNIOR HWAITING!), and basically living your life. You've got the third season of True Blood coming in June (OMGGG SAM~) and My Chem's fourth album. You're graduating high school, you'll be 18. Stay positive, alright? Don't let a few bumps in the road get to you. You're so much better than that. Pick up the pieces of 2009 and stash them away once they're collected. You don't need to let them be there to let you get down. Take a breath and walk with happy smile. You still have so much you need to do and yeah, its overwhelming, but in the end it'll be worth it. Be patient and let it come to you. You deserve it. Smile. You've got nothing to be afraid of and so much to look forward to. Don't let bullshit get in the way. You're strong.
Good luck and make the right choices.
Sincerely (and with love!),
Yourself you're leaving behind in 2009.
Now I know what you're thinking. "Why am I reading this? Why do I need to know any of the information that is about to be presented to me?" For starters, its because this year, was certainly not the best for you. You had high hopes in 2008 and look what happened, you made mistake after mistake and now look at how unhappy you are. On the bright side, you've learned alot and you've definitely grown, making yourself a better person. I apologize overall that your dumb ass alot of great things for the future, but maybe it can be fixed and maybe it was worth the pain. You cry yourself to sleep now, bitch and moan about how unhappy you are and about how dumb you've been, and wonder to yourself why the fuck you're living still. No worries. You'll get the fuck over it. One of these days.
Because you might need some guidance, look back to this when you need help. Maybe some of the information now will help you later on in 2010 because Goddess' knows you're gonna need lots of help and that's just the sad truth. Read this every now and then and hopefully you'll make some sense out of your problems. Deal? Good. Now put down those damn shrimp crackers and read carefully.
1) First and foremost, your education should be of the highest value to you. I know it is, which is why I mention it first. January 1st, you need to start filling out your scholarships and your FAFSA. If you don't, Donghae dressed as Santa will come through your door and do unpleasant things to you in your sleep. By this I mean, STOP BEING LAZY. After January 1st comes, you really have no reason not to fill any of your shit out (unless you need info from your mother, which we will cover soon). So do this, apply for scholarships and for Nevada State College. It sucks that this is your only choice, but with the accommodations included, you really can't go wrong. not only that but they have what you want. You know this, I know this, your sisters know this. So DO SOMETHING. You can wait till the adviser comes in Spring to your school, but why wait when you can get this shit done now? Exactly. You have to worry about money for college so start doing that. I mean it. You'll regret it. Once its all done and you have everything planned, then you can relax. Until then, work your ass off. You know that scholarship you want badly? Work for it. Do not sit there and not do your schoolwork and fuck around. Seriously. it will fuck you sideways in the long run. You're doing so well now, so keep it up! Mr. Clyde said you need at least 4 A's and 2 B's next semester (also depending on what happens at the end of this semester) to get your GPA up to a 3.0. You've done all you can and you still continue to do all your work and work your ass off. You'll be proud of yourself if you keep going so keep going at it!
2) Don't worry about your mother. As far as you're concerned, she's a stranger to you. She didn't bother calling for months, not even for Christmas. It'll be a complete surprise if she calls for your birthday. And you know what? Not even Jimmy's family called. He's gonna yell at them good for not giving a fuck about you. Don't sweat it. You have other things you need taken care of. You know what, she's not even gonna be there for you when you graduate or even help you out with a car or college tuition. Make your plans without her considered because the more you keep throwing "What ifs", the more you're going to get hurt because she's going to do exactly what you and your dad know she's gonna do. Better get surprised than keep getting hurt because hurt is the only thing you know from her. And that's okay. It hasn't killed you so its making you stronger and there's nothing wrong with that. You're tough as nails, just like her. You can deal. In fact, don't even think about her. The more you do, the more depressed you'll become. You're too positive sometimes and you put too much faith in people who really shouldn't have faith put in them. They always let you down because you have such high expectations for them. And by expectations, I mean, you think they really are good people who are worth a damn and that they care about you (like Jeremy, for example). You need to stop. You're crying yourself to sleep too much so don't do it.
3) Stop crying yourself to sleep. Really. Cause its getting old and its annoying. I hate how you purposely take out your earphones just to cry and wipe your snot in several thousand tissues before going back to bed, only to tear up a bit more. FUCKING STOP. You don't get enough sleep for this reason. You bullshit around and then when you get to bed, you're depressed as hell. You don't even bother to listen to Super Junior when you're like this because you're too busy being emo. Tonight will probably be one of these nights for several reasons. When you get this way, lodge it into your small, stupid head of yours that you need your music. You need Super Junior. Something happy, something full of life, unlike you. Something needs to put life back into you and if that something is a bunch of Korean boys singing songs about pajama parties, then so be it.
4) Basically, those last two sentences from the last paragraph.
5) You have goals. Accomplish those goals, especially while you have time. Keep studying your languages and using them. Watch as much dramas as you can to learn and keep reading. Keep listening to the music. Keep speaking to yourself and writing everything down for practice. You're never going to learn if you don't practice. Learn as much as you can so that when you get to college, you can totally do that study abroad thing that you've always dreamed of. I know you want to do it, so prepare yourself to do it. You can't really get anywhere until you get to college so do the first few steps into preparing. And don't let anything stop you. Except for your schoolwork because money for college is more important. And really, that wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't slacked off the last few years. Oh well, now you're paying. Sucks, doesn't it?
6) Your dad is a wonderful dad. And you fucking know it. Since you've been back, you've definitely given him more credit than you have so that's definitely an improvement. I'm glad you've done well. You know he's more than willing to help you out so take advantage of that. If you ruin things with him, you're parentless. Well, biological parentless. But you're too afraid to ask others for help so don't fuck this up for yourself. You'll end up hating yourself even more so than you do now. He's done so much for you and he continues to do so. Even though he's got problems up the wazoo, you can't blame him for it and the fact that he's trying, just like you're trying. Give him more credit, go easy on him. Since your mother is wallowing in her own self-loathing and hatred, he needs to be both parents to you. That is hard, you know that. Be close and don't hate him. No matter how many beers he drinks a day. He still loves you. That will never change. So go and fucking watch A Clockwork Orange with him. No matter how many naked chicks and penises pop up on screen.
7) Your number one thing on your To-Do List (other than get your money for school, etc.) is get the fuck over Jeremy. Let me tell you this now: you call the motherfucker over and over again. He's had enough and you know it. Yet, you still have denial and you have that fucking hope and faith in him that I don't like. Again, it lets you get hurt more and yet, you do nothing about it. You just keep getting hurt and keep getting hurt. That is seriously not okay. You can't enjoy the simple things in life without fucking saying "Oh, me and Jeremy.." or "Jeremy this.." or "Jeremy that..". Can't you see its fucking ruining you?! You won't allow yourself to want anyone else but him and that is just not fucking okay. The bullshit needs to stop and it stops when school is back into session, right when the new year begins. No, he isn't going to be around anymore and he'll probably never call you again. You ruined it so he has the right. Fucking deal with it and let it be. I know you're attached, but you just can't let yourself be that attached to him. You threw yourself at him and you've begged. He's done nothing but play with your heartstrings because he has them. Take them back; they belong to someone who won't use them like that. And yes, there is such a person and that person isn't him. Go to prom, get another fucking picture for your frame and put the old ones away somewhere where you won't find them until you're over him. Until you can fucking look at those pictures of you and him together and smile and remember the times and NOT cry all day long, put them away and don't take them out. It kills you right now. And you know what, you may be fucking married already and you may still look at them and cry. If that happens, burn the pictures. Anything. Delete them from your hard drive, anything. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Look, he's not going to call for your birthday, when you graduate, anytime. He didn't even call for Christmas. This is his fault he's missing out. Yeah, you ruined it, but you've grown and you're better. You know better. He's chicken shit on taking a "risk" so let it be. Someone else deserves your love. Not someone who can't appreciate everything you've done.
8) Meet yourself a nice Chinese boy. You know the one. Once you figure out how to talk to him, go for it. Don't be chicken shit. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. He's still such a cutie to look at.
9) Don't forget the promise you made for your birthday now that you're turning 18. You've been waiting for this day since you were 14 (or 13, whatever).
10) Whatever the fuck you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT get yourself into a relationship if you think it won't work. Instead of one pathetic date, go on two or three. You need it because hey, you're picky and you have standards and because you're so damn picky, you ruin relationships with people if those standards are not met. There's nothing wrong with being picky, just don't keep hurting people, okay? You can barely look at yourself in the mirror some days.
11) You're beautiful. On the inside and the outside. You're so lucky you've got both. Some people (who shall not be named) aren't that lucky and they know it, so they lash out on you and try to make you feel like a bad person, which makes them a hypocrite. Fuck those people. You're generous, kind, caring, giving, loyal, loving. You've got so much to offer and yet, not everyone sees it. Don't change. And as for your looks. How many people give you compliments on your hair color? Like, every single person. Even the cashier at CVS. Isn't that odd? Your eyes are gorgeous. Your skin... eh, needs some work. Give that shit time. Exercise some more and you'll be in great shape. Make that a New Year's Resolution, okay? EXERCISE EVERY DAY, FATASS. Got it? Good. Take Mocha with you while you're at it. She needs the exercise too.
12) Take good care of your friends. As if you don't already. Just keep it up. Some may not be appreciative as the rest but they still love you for it and that's all that matters. You like making them happy so do it. You've got nothing to lose.
In conclusion, you're wonderful. You truly are. Of course, there's always alot of work to maintain that but it should be no problem for you. Things will calm down significantly, more so than now. After you graduate, take a road trip with your friends, with your dad and relax for a summer. Or even go find a job until you have to quit a few months later (haha~). Keep up with the great job you're doing now in school. Don't worry too much about guys. Not worth your troubles so don't get too attached, okay? But don't have too much fun either, though I know you want to. Spend some time studying, or with your Wii (cause you've been so lost without it!), dancing to Super Junior and supporting them (SUPER JUNIOR HWAITING!), and basically living your life. You've got the third season of True Blood coming in June (OMGGG SAM~) and My Chem's fourth album. You're graduating high school, you'll be 18. Stay positive, alright? Don't let a few bumps in the road get to you. You're so much better than that. Pick up the pieces of 2009 and stash them away once they're collected. You don't need to let them be there to let you get down. Take a breath and walk with happy smile. You still have so much you need to do and yeah, its overwhelming, but in the end it'll be worth it. Be patient and let it come to you. You deserve it. Smile. You've got nothing to be afraid of and so much to look forward to. Don't let bullshit get in the way. You're strong.
Good luck and make the right choices.
Sincerely (and with love!),
Yourself you're leaving behind in 2009.